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Writing my mother

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Michelle:
I wrote recently about my latest contact with my mother where she answered my brother's cell phone (thread titled "Coming face to face with my nmother").  Ever since that day (about 3 weeks ago) I have felt pushed to the edge emotionally.  I'm not sure what is going on with me but I have just felt very unsettled and unsure about what to do with this whole "relationship" (or lack of) with my mother.  She has continued to write me her usual crappy emails and leave her usual crappy phone messages.  I have wanted to reply on several occasions but just couldn't think of the words I wanted to say.  A few months ago I just wanted to yell at her and tell her how much I hated her.  Now I just want to cry because I feel so sad about not having a mother and how messed up we both are because of this whole situation.  The saddest part to me is that I just don't miss her.  I long for a mother figure, but I honestly don't miss "her".  That just proves to me that she has contributed nothing to our relationship but hurt, stress and misteachings.

She wrote me again a couple of days ago.  The usual guilt, blame, blah blah blah.  For some reason though, this time it didn't bother me like it usually does.  I felt very sound in my mind and was quite clear on exactly what I wanted to get across to her.  I have been struggling with the "closure" issue - I just cut off contact with her almost 4 months ago and never really gave an explanation or anything.  I have felt really badly about that - not because of her feelings - but because for me the whole issue is just "hanging" there - unfinished.  So I decided to write her.  The only communication I have had with her in these 4 months was when she answered my brother's phone.  

Her letter to me said:

--- Quote ---Michelle, Thanks for the latest pictures of the babies:) They sure are growing fast! B has your big ole eyes and it looks like K is really getting taller by the day. I called her on her birthday and I just cant believe that you wont let them talk to me. Michelle whatever you have against me  shouldnt be keeping me from talking to them.I never thought you would do something like this. I only hope you sleep good at night because  I never thought it was in your nature to try to hurt me like this. I miss you and the babies and wish you would try to understand that no matter what has happened in our life ,it shouldnt be making you this bitter! I have never done anything intentionally or otherwise to hurt you and I hope you know that. So maybe you should be thinking of this and take the time to call me. Love Mama
--- End quote ---



Here is my reply:

--- Quote ---Dear moma,
 
I received your latest email.  I did not appreciate how it was full of blaming statements that were intended to make me feel ashamed and guilty of myself.  Some of the blaming statements that you said were:
 
~   I called her on her birthday and I just cant believe that you wont let them talk to me. (If I am not speaking with you, then my children will not speak with you either.  We are a united family.)
 
~ Michelle whatever you have against me shouldnt be keeping me from talking to them.  (This belittles the pain that I feel by saying that I should "overlook" it and let you have your way.)
 
~  I never thought you would do something like this. I only hope you sleep good at night because  I never thought it was in your nature to try to hurt me like this. (These are all blaming statements.  There is no resolution or communication in them - they are meant only to induce guilt.)
 
~  I wish you would try to  understand that no matter what has happened in our life ,it shouldnt be making you this bitter! (Again, this statement downplays my pain.)
 
~  I have never done anything intentionally or otherwise to hurt you and I hope you know that. (Just because you won't admit or choose to see that you have caused pain to others does not mean that it doesn't exist.)
 
~  Maybe you should be thinking of this and take the time to call me. (Another blame statement.)
 
When you say these things to me, I feel like my feelings are not as important as yours.  I feel that these statements are intended to shame me into talking to you.  Actually, they have just the opposite effect.  They make me feel angry, disappointed, sad, and disrespected.
 
I want you to stop sending me letters filled with disrespect, blame, and guilt.  If you continue to send these letters, I will block your email from my mailbox so you are unable to write me anymore.  This also applies to phone or mail messages.  
 
You are a very deeply hurt person - primarily from your own childhood.  You don't realize it, but your hurt has been passed on to your children through your actions and words.  I hope that one day you can admit to your own hurts and pains and seek help from someone to help you deal with them in a healthy way.  Maybe then you can repair and restore the relationships with others that have been damaged.
 
Michelle
--- End quote ---


I know this letter will probably do nothing but fuel her fire even further.  But I am at the point where I am ready to back up my threats.  If she can't at least treat me as nice as she does a stranger on the street I'm done.  I'm not sure if I did the "right" thing.  But for me, right now, this felt right.  I have felt good about it since I sent it and am not expecting anything in return.  I did it to receive some closure for myself.  

Thanks for listening.
Michelle

Anonymous:
Michelle,

I think that's a super-brave letter. It's a true statement of the facts. Of course, she won't agree with what you wrote because she lacks any capacity to take responsibility. Remember the famous line of Jack Nicholson's in A Few Good Men? "You can't handle the truth!" Well, that's your mother. But it's okay to tell it to her anyway.

bunny

flower:
Yea Michelle!!!

Here's to closure! It feels good.

I thought about closure today.  I figure a normal relationship (which we don't have with our moms) would have a back and forth working out of closure until both sides were satisfied. I've tried to bring closure for years that involved both sides. I always met a brickwall - my mom. So, since the closure is only going to be one sided, I figure it can be what seems right to me.

flower

Dawning:
Michelle, your sincerity, commitment to your own personal growth and recovery, the responsibility you are taking for your own healing...etc and etc is so genuine and sincere.  But I doubt your NMother will ever *get it* and I think you have done heaps in coming to terms with that.  I don't know the whole gamut of Nism - and there are alot of different kinds of Nism (including the healthy kind) but you are right about all the things you italicized and people with NPD absolutely CAN NOT *hear* this stuff.  

If writing to her helped YOU, empowered YOU then that is all that matters.  


--- Quote ---Now I just want to cry because I feel so sad about not having a mother and how messed up we both are because of this whole situation.
--- End quote ---

 
This whole situation is one which she is not taking any responsibility for.  You are getting un-messed up and she doesn't like it.  She wants you to stay messed up if she is anything like my NMother.  The healthier you get, the more threatened she will become.  It is normal to cry over these Nmothers and what they can't do.  Have you ever listened to a tape by Clarissa Pinkola Estes called "Warming The Stone Child?"  I ordered my off Amazon.  Its very healing.

It is highly likely that your mother is going to take that letter and twist it into something that has to do with her and not getting her supply met through you.  But you know so you can be prepared to choose how you want to deal with it.  You don't have to explain or justify a thing and don't let her try and make you do that.  Your honesty and integrity in writing that letter stands on its own.

p.s.  I would just like to add that my cousin has been trying to get me to write a letter like this to my NMother for the past 4 months.  My cousin said that her aunt (my mother) probably doesn't think I have it *in me* to stand up to her.  Your letter is so well-written and the closing part was just what my cousin told me I should write to my mom.  I haven't done so but it would be along the same lines as yours.  Fortunately or not (not sure which) Nmom seems to have severed contact with me as she sensed that I was getting close to exposing her during our last telephone conversation.  For me, I have no preference as to how the enmeshment virus is killed as long as I don't have to deal with her crazy-making anymore.

findingme:
Michelle -

I'm new to the board...  Just want to tell you that your situation is very similar to others.  You're making some very bold & healthy steps toward taking care of YOU (and your kids).  Someone once told me that looking out for yourself is selfish ONLY if you're doing it at the expense of everyone around you.  That is how N's survive.  You would protect yourself (& your kids) from a predator, right? Unfortunately, whether they know it or not, our N parents, spouses & friends are predators, & we have to be careful.  Way to go, girl!!   :!:

findingme

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