so blue I'm purple

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Hops
Thinking of you always and, again, I am sorry for this mess your Nmother has created.

In the long run, you will win. Being steadfast, loyal, caring, suffering in silence, etc. will stand you in good stead, if there is a judgement to be handed down.
((((((((((((((((hops)))))))))))))))))0

[Sela]

Dear, dear (((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))),

I'm so sorry for all you are going through.  I'm so sorry for not being here earlier to support you.  I'm so sickened by the sheer cruelty of your mother and her conniving, rotten son!  They are only related to you biologically Hops.  Not in any other way.  The two of them belong in the same pit.

They have no inkling......not a shred..... of the kindness and goodness that prevails in you.  They are pathetic.  And you are solid and true, fair and loving.

At the moment, I feel like leaving her there to rot

No one would blame you one bit if you did and I can imagine many would feel exactly the same.   She will rot with or without you Hops.

So will he.

Both of them from the inside out.



And you......no matter what happens ......will grow and flourish and bloom and stay kind and good inside.  You will remain solid and keep the truth....stay fair and keep on loving.  Somethings I bet they both envy and will never, no matter what dirty tricks they play or have played....no matter how nasty they are or try to be....will never, ever be satisfied.  Only envious and jealous and full of self-hate and rage.......doomed to behave worse and worse as time goes on because that is all they are capable of (even if they are totally unaware of it).

Hops, I want to send you some of that white light Mum used to always send people and the strongest good vibes possible across this endless cyberspace.  I will pray for you but you truly do not need my prayers because you are blessed with a prize worth more than all the houses on earth and all the money too.

You are blessed with a good soul which no amount of material anything can ever buy.  Exactly what those two slimy vampires will never have because they only know how to rip and tear, unlike you who generously mends and builds.

Please take care of you, nurture you and protect you.  You must!

Sending love and large, big, huge hugs,

Sela

PS:

Hiya H&H, way back on page 1 and 2!  So glad to see your posts and hoping all is well with you!   Sending you a big ((((((((((((H&H)))))))))  too! 

[lighter]

(((Hops)))

Please don't stop twirling in the garden.....

it'll be ok.

Light

[Hopalong]

I am so moved by everything each of you has said.

I can't bring myself to write more about it tonight, but please know how deeply I appreciate this outpouring of support and friendship. Heartfelt thanks, all of you.

And I have had a very good weekend so far...
joyous day with the gardener (y'all do know he's not "a gardener" but my Friend, right?). We went to the rain barrel workshop and came home with 2 huge blue 55-gal barrels, plus all the trimmings. They just fit behind my azaleas (too-tall azaleas) so there'll be 110 gallons of water that doesn't waste groundwater...for garden, car washing, etc. It'll take another day to get it all assembled. I felt very close to him last night.

Today was an electrifyingly right sermon by one of our coministers (they're both leaving for their new congregation in California in a month, we'll miss them terribly). He focused on how America can only restore its moral center by fully restoring Iraq. And how we need national humilty, the acknowledgment that we are trying to correct a moral wrong that was done in the name of this nation. It has never been done before--that an aggressive nation holds itself accountable and tries to right its wrong. I hope and pray our new leadership will see it the same way.

This afternoon I spent several hours working with Eyes Wide Open (an exhibit of the human cost of war) for my state. We had the soldiers' combat boots placed on display, families had put tokens and letters and photos with them. We also had a display of shoes to represent the estimated ratio of 200 Iraqi civilians killed for every American military death. With names attached to all of them. We had a platform and read all the names...American and Iraqi. I rang a bell after each name. It was a draining and moving experience and people's responses were wonderful.

I am tired and trying to just take each day as it comes.

love
Hops

[Leah]

((((((((( Hops ))))))))))

Bless you for sharing.

How I wish all war would cease - for good!

How I wish all people would live with straightforward respect of one another - for good!

Love,

Leah

[lighter]

So glad you had a good day..... sounds like you needed it.

Love the rainbarrells.....

 watering things at the end of the day, so the sun doesn't soak it all back up.....

being wise with resources.

Yes.

(((Hops)))

[Ami]

Thinking of you, Hops. I am so sorry you are going through this. Betrayal by a M has to be the worst, I think.
You took really good care of her,Hops. The N's seem to have good D's. I don't know how that works, but I was always a good D, too. My heart goes out to you, Hops.             Hugs,   Ami

((((((Hops)))))))

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Ami.

I'm actually trying to deal with my fear, now.
Of loss and dislocation and not knowing where home is.

More than my feelings about her. They're pretty mild, maybe I'm just exhausted with all that. How she is and who she is don't feel relevant to the question of the house.

The betrayal is done, I'm just worried about how I'll cope with its effects on my life.

On and on it goes, and I had thought I was beginning to enter a chapter of peace and space and celebration.

Now things feel contracted and fearful again.
So I'm avoiding essential paperwork I must must do in order to stay safe even in the short term.

Overeating and biting my nails. Tells me something.

Hops

[Ami]

((((((((((Hops)))))))))
I am sorry, Hops. Words are so ineffectual sometimes, for this sort of betrayal and the accompanying hardship. My heart goes out to you.   Love   Ami

[Sela]

Dear Hops,

Glad yesterday was good.

One thing I was thinking:   Maybe this won't be as much of a loss as you may be fearing?

Maybe you will end up in a better place......a place where there are no painful memories or sick bioligical sibblings able to pop in and torment you?  Maybe you will find a new, fresh, more peaceful home than you ever imagined?  Maybe you will do better than cope?

This is what I am hoping for you Hops.  That you will end up much better off!  Able to manage....no problem and happier than you anticipated!  I dream of your own.....new......more beautiful garden full of everything there is now and then some.  And a lovely gardener/friend by you....sharing your joy!

Sela

[seasons]

((Hops)) I am so sorry to hear what your snake of a brother has done to you. Sadly I am not surprised, which makes it worse.

What they are capable of is just...........
Pure underhanded evilness.

My heart and prayers are with you. love seasons


I share Sela's' loving heartfelt wishes for you too.

Maybe you will end up in a better place......a place where there are no painful memories or sick bioligical sibblings able to pop in and torment you?  Maybe you will find a new, fresh, more peaceful home than you ever imagined?  Maybe you will do better than cope?

This is what I am hoping for you Hops.  That you will end up much better off!  Able to manage....no problem and happier than you anticipated!  I dream of your own.....new......more beautiful garden full of everything there is now and then some.  And a lovely gardener/friend by you....sharing your joy!

Sela

[Healing&Hopeful]

Big hugs to you Hoppy me darling!  I'm so sorry I haven't been on here sooner and wasn't here to respond quicker.

There are so many wonderful words and so much love for you on this thread.  Sometimes we can gain strength from the love of others who aren't our family.  I feel I can relate to what you are going through as it feels like when my Mum, stepdad and brother stood in my room, watching me packing and saying I was never coming back once I'd left.  The bio N dad telling me to go... and you know what Hoppy dear, sometimes I think these are signs that it is time to move on.  To find a home filled with love, instead of sickness and the nastiness of your brother.  I'm so glad you've got such a good minister and felt what was said made a lot of sense.

Take care of you and do things that make you smile Hoppy honey.

Love H&H xx

(((Hi Sela, lots of hugs back at ya)))))

[Iphi]

Oh my god Hops, I've just read this whole topic right now.  I can't believe it and yet it is all so tediously repetitive at the same time.  Is that why it seems surreal that it should be so shocking and yet so predictable in retrospect? 

I feel a good deal of outrage on your behalf.  Again the venomous creatures sting.  Can they do nothing else?  Apparently not. 

I want to say to you that I have read all your posts about life with your mom and as you may recall, I have always admired the place you have come to in yourself that you have found it in your heart to take care of her and found a place past (most of the) bitterness and resentment.  Of course this place is not detached to the degree of, say, a moon of Pluto, I understand.  But from my short years 'caretaking' (read: personal body slave and stepandfetchit to) my dad, I have a deep appreciation for what you have achieved as a being.  None of this experience is wasted.  It is enormous the loving care and detachment you have shown for this pathetic, wasted being that is you mother. 

In a sense it may be wasted on her, but I do not believe it is wasted in the larger sense.  What you have done is about who you are, and who you are is beautiful!  Wherever you go, you will travel and walk inside that beauty.

I send you my best vibes of courage and optimism for a wide open future.

No matter what happens, their power to betray you and strike at you is at an end.

[Iphi]

Also Hops, I know you are in the midst of events now, but here is a seed for later.  I feel that if you were to write a memoir of your experiences, it would resonate with and help a lot of people.  Have you ever considered this?  I hope you will consider it.  You have an important and meaningful story to share.

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((Hops)))))))))  I wish these developments were not so sickeningly familiiar, but with NPD, of course, this sort of deviance is to be expected.

One thing I was thinking:   Maybe this won't be as much of a loss as you may be fearing?

Maybe you will end up in a better place......a place where there are no painful memories or sick bioligical sibblings able to pop in and torment you?  Maybe you will find a new, fresh, more peaceful home than you ever imagined?  Maybe you will do better than cope?

This is what I am hoping for you Hops.  That you will end up much better off!  Able to manage....no problem and happier than you anticipated!  I dream of your own.....new......more beautiful garden full of everything there is now and then some.  And a lovely gardener/friend by you....sharing your joy!

Sela

What Sela said - yes!

That's my hope and vision for you, as well, dear Hops.... not to inherit a mucked up parcel, but a whole new life - bright and spangly with fresh joy and promise.

Please allow me to be true to my own foundation and just say - - - with God, all things are possible.

Big hugs with love,

Carolyn