How do you reconcile loving someone that hurts you?

[Sugarbear]

My mother would tell me that she didn't love me or that she hated me whenever she got mad at me. I was deeply hurt when she would go to this extreme, and I know that I never brought up love when we were fighting. Even though I didn't understand it at the time, I knew the difference between how I felt about her and what I was feeling in that moment. I was never trying to hurt her when we fought - but that seemed to be one of her main goals with regards to me.

I tried to make her see that bringing up love in this manner was eroding our relationship (among other things) but she seemed to see this as proof that this hurt me and used it even more (a favorite tactic of hers).

She and my sister don't seem to understand the disconnect here. I can still love and care about her and miss the good times, but I can't keep someone in my life that wants to hurt and control me. I still love my mother, but I can't deal with her anymore.

To my mother (and I guess my sister) love is conditional.

So do you believe it's possible to love someone but not want them in your life?

[Izzy_*now*]

hi sugarbear

I speak from the other end. I am the mother and I have a daughter.

So do you believe it's possible to love someone but not want them in your life?

I believe it is possible. I have a thread just below yours, about "Once upon a time I had a daughter....

We live 2000 miles apart and I haven't seen her and my 3 grandchildren for years (long story) except the eldest, will be 22 this October, motorcycled out for 2 nights and visit in 2005. What we had was so sad for me because he was not the little blond boy I last saw (for the most part) at age 4½, and I last saw his sister soon to be 19, when she was 2.

I realized that  a coat of sadness covers me as I think about dying. I have signed everythiing over to my daughter and prepaid my funeral, making things so easy for her, but she has things to do to collect the money.

I just realized that when I asked her if this was okay, as I did it automatically, she never answered. She has said nothing. I have emailed and asked her to please talk to me about this!

If she won't say anything , then I must change my Will and anything that has her name on it. but to whom? I have no one else....and I don't even have her.

I loved her father, but didn't want him in our lives. He was an abusive alcoholic at the end ('72) and killed himself in'79

[Hopalong]

Oh, Izzz....
big warm arms and a spongey shoulder for you
I'd rock you in my arms, friend
{{{{{{{{{Izzy}}}}}}}}}

YOu need community, a place where a few volunteers are always needed...
maybe some kids who need to learn the computer?

I'm sorry for the heartache, dear.
Those tears popped out of Pandora's box and now you're grieving...

Just finishing something you couldn't finish, so long ago, since you had to focus on survival stuff.

You're going to be okay, Izz.

love,
Hops
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

[Leah]

Hi Izzy,

I hear your voice.

However, I am remembering your recent, wonderful engagement by email with your daughter, which was a marvellous breakthrough, and then more recently I read how your daughter had asked YOU Izzy, for advice on the best web development software, to which you expressed being uplifted by the fact that she sought your personal advice, rather than merely running an internet 'google' oror similar, on the subject.

There has been much gentle healing of the distance that occurred between yourself and your daughter, due to external influences by N's.  Your daughter's now exH treating you appallingly, that is a fact, and so I feel that in your daughter's heart is much deep sadness, and also regrets too.

Speaking personally, in the shoes of a daughter, I would find your email most heart rending and heart wrenching, simply because in this particular scenario - mother and daughter have had a breakthrough and have been engaging with a spirit (or whichever other word you prefer) of reconciliation, and then comes along an email discussing death.

Separation and Loss are mighty big issues.

And speaking in the shoes as a daughter, who is faced with impending seperation, after some years of seperation and loss in relationship - money is no compensation, for loss, of any kind.

Money cannot buy back the years, the loss, the heartache, the pain.

I have much I could share on this very subject matter, but for now will leave it as simply a perspective whilst standing in your daughter's shoes.

I realized that  a coat of sadness covers me as I think about dying. I have signed everythiing over to my daughter and prepaid my funeral, making things so easy for her, but she has things to do to collect the money.

I just realized that when I asked her if this was okay, as I did it automatically, she never answered. She has said nothing. I have emailed and asked her to please talk to me about this!

Truly, hand on heart, I think your daughter has retreated (withdrawal) into her own personal shell - where it feels safe and pain free. 

Love to you,

Leah x

[Leah]

My mother would tell me that she didn't love me or that she hated me whenever she got mad at me. I was deeply hurt when she would go to this extreme, and I know that I never brought up love when we were fighting. Even though I didn't understand it at the time, I knew the difference between how I felt about her and what I was feeling in that moment. I was never trying to hurt her when we fought - but that seemed to be one of her main goals with regards to me.

I tried to make her see that bringing up love in this manner was eroding our relationship (among other things) but she seemed to see this as proof that this hurt me and used it even more (a favorite tactic of hers).

She and my sister don't seem to understand the disconnect here. I can still love and care about her and miss the good times, but I can't keep someone in my life that wants to hurt and control me. I still love my mother, but I can't deal with her anymore.

To my mother (and I guess my sister) love is conditional.

So do you believe it's possible to love someone but not want them in your life?

Hello ((((( Sugarbear )))))

My sincerest empathy, as I have walked and lived, in your shoes.

Yes, it is possible to love someone but not want them in your life, as I do, now, with my NMother and also NSister.

Twice, I allowed them back into my life, and on each occasion the outcome was detrimental to my health and wellbeing, both physical and emotional.  In fact, each occasion of renewing contact and engagement turned out to be 100 fold worse than previous! 

Truly, I do still love my mother, very much so, sadly, it has to be from a distance.  Much sought after wise counsel confirmed this, though pangs of guilt and "if onlys" drift into my thoughts.  Such is the sincere unconditional love that I have for my mother, and also for my sister too.

The truth is, from first had experience and pain, they prefer conditional love, for hidden agenda and purpose, of personal pleasure and gain.

Compassion that they cannot be anything other than that which they choose to be, with serenity, which thankfully is a great help - in my heart i know and accept the true fact that I cannot bring about any change in their heart, thoughts and actions.
 
Love, Leah

[Iphi]

Dear Sugar - I feel just the same as you.  I meant to reply to your earlier post where you shared how your mom and sister are coming to clean up your mom's house.  Btw, I thought Hops's advice was awesome - to helpfully provide information on cleaning/junk/goodwill and other services in the area.

Your situation is very close in parallel to mine.  We have a triangular situation between me, my sister and my dad.  They have a close relationship and in the past, I was the donkey.  They looked down on me, but I was the first call when some help was needed or something unpleasant had to be done.  Or if my mom had some crisis, they offloaded all the responsibility for that on to me and distance themselves from her (my parents are divorced and my mom lives in a group home, she is mentally ill but very stable these days - couldn't manage on her own, however).

Over the past few years I have been gradually distancing myself and dropping the the responsibilities.  Some backsliding into enmeshment, guilt, bad habits, dysfunction.  But right now I haven't talked to my dad in months and keep in minimal, but pleasant email contact with my sister.

I love my dad.  I wouldn't have experienced all this, stuck with it, tried so much for so long, if I didn't.  But everything I did, it never worked and has only ultimately shown me that there is nothing I can do to stop him from habitually harming and hurting me.  For a long time I thought it was a sacrifice of love to allow that.  But you know what? I don't care for that point of view anymore.  He is foolish and destructive and is in many ways leading a life that a wiser person would greatly regret.  Our ways must part or else his regrets will be my regrets. 

He will never understand or accept my position or outlook and it is unlikely my sister ever would either.

Btw, whenever we argued or fought, my dad always fights as if he is a wild animal - no holds barred, always escalating like crazy, fighting to wound, to kill, hitting out with everything he has.  'fighting fair' is a foreign concept to him - or rather, he would most likely say that any argument is the other person's fault (and so they are not fighting fair by fighting at all), so he is justified in whatever he does.  I think my blood pressure is rising just describing that!  Aiiiee!

I have huge, enormous issues with arguments and discussions now.

Take good care of yourself.  I really understand.

[LilyCat]

Oh Sugarbead, it's not only possible, sometimes it's the smart and healthy thing to do.

[LilyCat]

Whoops, SugarbeaR, sorry for the typo. I don't see type very well, especially on a computer.