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[lighter]

Finding Peace, how old is your older daughter?

::waving to CB::

Nice to see you on the board, you've been missed.

Lighter

[Overcomer]

Not to hijack the thread but I am so glad to see one of our voices of reason-hi CB!  Missed you!

[debkor]

OMG CB!!  it is so good to see you and I have missed you so!

We have done everything you speak of and his studying in his room was never allowed untill his request to do it on his own.  I felt he was capable, we all felt he was capable and he was capable.   He has the skills and tools.  The thing is he can do it. He was now 13 and again I had to walk in his shoes.  What would I want? How would I feel? at his age.  He always has been assisted. Am I going to choke him?  He had been doing it on his own for a long time. But with us always over his shoulder. The Psyh seen this. He totally took him out of the program, IEP, he felt that my S did not need the program and should fly on his own.   I am seeing ressistance should I ignore his, pleas, force him to do it OUR way when he may just be ready to do it his way. And the end result is I had to let him go.  He had to do it  himself.  I cringed when I did this but it was so apparent that he really need to do this.  I was not only dealing with a disablility I was dealing with self esteem now. 

I have walked every step with him in his shoes.  I do understand. I really do.  I know him like a book and I have to go over every thing I think to make sure I am making the right decision and seeing everything clearly.  I think I am.  I think I have.

He is Capable and he can do it.  He will be bored with many things in life to come as he grows older, such as, a job and routine, but such is life and I can not assist him for the rest of his life. And no one else will.  You get bored with a job or bored with studies in college and your out.  They don't give a hoot if you fail or not in a job, in school, in life, itself.  We fend for ourselves and make it what we want. 

And that is what I am trying to teach him.  Sometimes you have to let them go to learn on thier own.  Sometimes out of failure comes success and I do really believe in those words.  If you are never to fail then how do you grow?  How do you take responsibility?  I really do believe CB that I was the one who was so afraid of *failure* for him and that is normal but to try to always keep him from experiencing his own failure he will not reconize it when he does *as his own* or claim it *as his own* deal with it and move on, do better because he wants to not because he has too.   

Now, ofcourse, I am not going to let my son totally go, he is only 13 but I think he got a taste of his own medicine and I truly believe he needed it. 

When we are growing we go through so many maturity levels and this (experience) is due to I think he's imaturity not his disability.  I seen it happen with my older children, not in the same grades, but in college.  1st year was PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! and thier grades were not the best.  They straighten up when they seen what was going on.  Thier maturity level was not exactly where it should be and it was new to them. Out of the house, living on campus, friends, PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!  I understood this also.  I knew this was a possibility, cause I know I would have done the same, but waited to see if it would turn around when they saw thier grades.  It did and I'm hoping the same for my little guy right now. 

Sometimes there is nothing more we can do.  I can't get inside his head or body and make him.  Well maybe right now I can make him but I want him to want to do it on his own. 

I know he don't like the results and this may just turn things around and he will know there are consequences.  Really what consequences has he had before in school?  None he was always assisted and modified to make things easier.  And he ran with it untill we took it away from him because he is capable of doing the normal work.

And I guess in some ways, like I said,  he had a learned behavior, that it was made easier from 1st all the way through 5th and I do have to take accountability for this. He used a crutch more then he should have and we are the ones who gave it to him.  Now don't get me wrong he did need to be modified and he did need lots of assistance but when do you know to stop.  When did he know to stop.  We didn't.  We had to take it out and see what happens and why.  And we have.  He really can Fly he just swooped a little and I'm hoping he comes back up to soar.  Only way to find this out is to monitor what is going on.  I do not feel comfortable stepping in and taking over as of yet and I do not feel comfortable letting him fail on his own. .  I still want to give him time to correct his own actions.  I believe in him, failures and all.  And this is something I honestly must let go a little longer. I gave him time on his own, and he did not do so well, but I must give him time to now correct it.  Then we will go from there. 


Yet I still contiune to worry and I'm scared.  .  I want the best for him and I struggle myself on decisions of my own on what way to go with it.

I think this time I feel confident that to continue to make him work for himself, not take total control, with exception of homework assignments signed by teachers and reports on his effort, will still give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes and me not totally take over because he made one. I think he will feel much better about himself and his corrections coming from him and me not making him.

I have given this alot of thought and I have always allowed and given my other children the opportunity to fail and make their own corrections.  I noticed that I did not allow this with my younger S because I was so focused on his disability that I over looked that  he deserved the same as my other children.  Opportunity to fail and opportunity to correct his failures.

and I do believe he was lazy.. and I do believe he knows this... and I do believe that is why he has failing grades.... and I believe he had learned.  Kind of like his own *mini college*  on my own, parrrrrrrtyyyy in 13yrs old kind of way which means, doing least possible you can when your first out on your own and this was his first time out of assistance from anyone.

So I bite my lip and hope this turn itself around..................without me becoming the Commander as of yet.  If it does not turn around then I will. 

So I spin and hop and cross my fingers that what I believe is correct.. but I do think so..

Wow sorry CB this turned into a novel but it's been so long since I spoke to you and I missed you so and your inputs I kind of went on and on. I think about you often.

How are you anyway??   You have a BF?  This is so wonderful.  You sound good. 

And I think you would be a wonderfull teacher just like Lup.  Have you ever thought about it?

I sure am happy to hear from you again.  Keep in touch!!


Love
Deb


 

[debkor]

Hey FP,CB,LUP,

I hear you FP and CB.  They are challenging (kids) period, don't know if they make me old or keep me young. 
It's so good to hear from everyone.  How have you been FP.  You know it's weird because today I sat with a girl who went to high school with my son, year ahead, but she now is teaching cheerleading in her old high school.  How did they grow so fast. 

Is your D in high school FP?  Mine use to go through periods of not studying like they should but then Cram about the day before a test.  Use to make me crazy. 
 
Anyway, it's nice to know when I come on here ranting that I have you guys who understand the frustrations, especially Lup.

And Lup hope is all is going well, I'm thinking of you.

Love
Deb

[Lupita]

Well, it is fair to give an update of my son since everybody is talking about sons. My son never gave me a problem until college. He is going to graduate this year. But he reckt his car and is undrivable, we still have to pay insurance and monthly payment, he wants me to cosigne for another car, I said until this a fully paid I will not cosigne for anything else, he is saving to pay this car in full to release that from my credit and then I will cosign again for anotrher car, in the mean time he is having to be transported by friends and me and girlfriend, crazy, I have to get one hour earlier to be able to take him to university and go to work, those days he sepnd at my house so I can transport him he leaves everything in the leaving room I am about to kill him, lol, wets the bathroom all over, I do not know what does he do in the bath room that it is completely inundated after he takes his bath, the sink is all wet all over after he broshes his teeth, I do not know what odes he do, if he had to leave with me again I would go crazy. I feel guilty that I am not happy that he was spending a few days with me, but it was so much work. I started to resent the hours of sleep and I started scolding him for everythijng and finaly today he took everything, and I left himn ath the university with piaNO, no transportation, bags, clothing, amplifier, computer, and I told him, that after work if he does not have anybody to take him I will take him backl again, but he does not want to. I told him that he will leanr his lesson, that the next car he will take good care of it and appreciate it. He told me that he would call me if he does not get anybody to ride with. I mean to his house, where he lives. At least this is the last week of school for him for now. And When I am on vacation I can drive him around all he needs. And after trhat hopefully we will have the money to pay ofr the old car and get a new one. He still takes dance lessons with me and we dance together and have so much fun as a family dancing. And we play piano together nad have fun and enjoy music. Just yesterday I went to one of his concerts. He played wonderfully. So professional!!!! He plays better than me!!!!!!!!! And in dance class, our teacher told us that he was right and I was wrong because I was correcting his movements. So, her said I would have liked top have a video camara to record the moment when the teacher said that!!!!! I love my son so much!!!!!! 
The male teacher at the beginning he was looking at me in an ugly way, and one day he could not resist anymore and asked him where did he meet me, and he said "I met her the day I was born, she gave me birth" And that teacher was nice to me since and said that it was very nice that we were sahing a nice activity as a family. I love my son so much!!!!!
He is extremely intelligent, a little lazy sometimes, a few Cs, more Bs, and a few As. 3.65 GPA, in college senior, I think it is wonderful!!!!! I was a straight A student and I was mad at him at the beginning of college but after five years it is OK.
I love my son so much!!!!!

[finding peace]

My oldest is 9.  She is in 3rd grade.

I am doing pretty well these days Deb – thanks for asking ::knocking wood::

I am not really superstitious – but I had a first-generation Italian grandmama who was as superstitious as they come.  I loved that woman dearly – I can still picture her throwing the salt over her shoulder and advising me never to pick up a penny that was tail-side down up unless I flipped first – but I had to do this cautiously so as not to pick it up while flipping it.   : ) some very good memories there.  (On edit - oh I can just see her shaking her head at me in mock sadness with a mischevious twinkle in her eye for getting that backwards ....)

CB – it really brightened my day to see you posting again - I pray that everything is going well with you.

Lupita - your love for your son shines through your posts - that brightened my day too.  A 3.65 - pretty darn good!!!

Love y'all
Peace

[debkor]

Lup,

Wow, you have a really good Boy, Man, Son, Wow!!  Your a good Mom. You both should be proud.

FP,

I still do not pick up pennies (lol) and scream, NOOOOOOOO put it down, it's not head up.  I have even done the salt thing.  AND don't ever put shoes on the table.  But now broken Mirror means nothing to me.  I should shut up before I put the whammy on myself with the mirror thing (lol).


Love
Deb

[lighter]

So glad you finally got to an update, Lupe.

Sounds like your son's doing OK.... all in all.

Pretty normal stuff and thank goodness he wasn't hurt in the accident.

Good job, sticking to your guns about paying off wrecked car before co signing for the next.

Sorry but.... I don't see wet as a problem..... my bathroom is VERY wet after bathing two little girls, as a matter of fact.

::picturing your son splashing around like my baby ducks in the tub::

hee

It's just water and.....

I'm so happy you two are still dancing and playing piano.

Sounds delightful!

Lighter