asking the right questions----

[Izzy_*now*]

Does any one of you notice that you must ask your self the correctly worded question, or have someone else ask you the correctly worded question, in order for you to drag up the exact truthful answer from inside, rather than a take off of the truth, (a lie) although you have felt you never lied?

(Is that a run-on sentence? My english teacher is rolling in her grave.)

Only I am inside my head. I've mentioned about in and out of therapy from the age of 19.--whew!  I realize now that only my DD can say the correct things (not all the time though, therefore confusion) or ask the right thing (not always though) to dive right into the crux of the matter.  The only person.

At this point we are far more comfortable in communicating and her last communication touched on situations, for which she still requires answers and with her wording being different, this last time, I felt the 'prick of a needle going straight inside to the heart of the matter".

I also see that quiet, polite communication that is dead-on correct, minus any blame-throwing, is far more conducive my being able to correctly word the answer she needs, and vice versa.

Perhaps I have the wrong title, but it has taken persistence and hurt for both of us to reach this point of, it appears, the tender feelings returning.

She has agreed to look after things for me, but prepayng my funeral made her think of suicide, even just my dying, and she  admitted she couldn't face this so couldn't answer. I had also told her she needn't worry about looking after me in my old age, as I  didn't want her burdened that way and I would be okay on my own.

She had worried about that, she admitted, and wondered with her busy life, how she would manage. I also told her my suspicions that the 6 years my mother spent in the hospital before dying were unnecessary, but that I believed she chose that, rather than burden one of her children.

I read things here and know it can be a physical, emotional, financial burden and any of you involved in this stage can realize that with my mother and me and our wheelchairs makes the burden more of one.

Anybody grossed out by my being practical?

Izzy

[nogadge]

  There was a short writing I came accross, called "An Elephant in The Room".  Sometime back, I was clipping such things out on death and dying after my second loss.  It was one way I found comfort.  I'll see if I can find it for you.  It deals with what I've come to sense from those who loss has not touched up as close and personal as others.  Most people who haven't lost another are usually pretty/very uncomfortable with the subject  and try to understand/empathise with platitudes and the usual obligatory sentiments.  It makes them very uncomfortable,and with out understandings or what is actually okay to say.  Often they will change the subject to talk about any and everything else, trying not to make you uncomfortable /spare you, when in fact it is usually their own feelings from inside them that they are experiencing.
  Shortly before my aunt and mother passed, I had the same difficulty working thru my own feelings when our conversations dealt with the reality of their passing.  It was hard, but they helped me understand what our talks meant to them, and to me.  It's so hard to have the mortality of someone you thought would be with you for the rest of your life tell you of the things they need to say to you when you are both fully aware, and you have to accept and acknowledge their passing is a reality and they will be gone.  I wanted to ignore it at first, and then it would get better and go away, wouldn't happen..... but it doesn't work that way.
  I suppose the point I trying to get at is help this person with patience and give her time and understanding to realise how to help you with what ever you want and need to share.
Momma used to say, "Honey, if you just stop and think about it, youfigure out how/what to do.  Alll you got to do is think about it." 
  I've felt that wonderful sense of warmth and tremendous wisdom from you on more than one occasion when I've read your words.  I'm just a stranger to you, and you have been able to figure that out with me, I can't help but believe this even more when it's for those next to you.
Just let it come from your heart, and you do have a big one.  You'll find a way with those you care for.  That's my sense of directions, when talking  is hard. 
  Nogadge

[Leah]

She has agreed to look after things for me, but prepayng my funeral made her think of suicide, even just my dying, and she  admitted she couldn't face this so couldn't answer. I had also told her she needn't worry about looking after me in my old age, as I  didn't want her burdened that way and I would be okay on my own.

Hi Izzy,

As I had discerned, and so glad to know that open communication has now resolved this, for you and your daughter.

Also,

Perhaps I have the wrong title, but it has taken persistence and hurt for both of us to reach this point of, it appears, the tender feelings returning.

Positively delightful, again, for you and your daughter.

As for being practical, that's okay, just BE yourself, in accepting ourself, we can likewise accept others, and their very own uniqueness.

Love,

Leah

[Overcomer]

I think it is very healthy to be able to ask the right questions and to talk about real stuff.  My family does a whole lot of dodging the issues and just pretending that everything is ok.

[Hopalong]

I think you're so right, Izz.

Wording the question so it must be answered truthfully, without any blame in the question, is such a skill.

Good on your and your DD.

Sending tender feelings,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you very much, everyone.

I am happy you understood--

but nogadge
No one is dying yet. This is about my prepaying my funeral and checking with my DD to be sure she is willing to be the Executor.

I know the elephant story, the blind men'seeing' only parts of the whole and misinterpreting the whole.

So it does fit with applying the right question, the right answer, in understanding one another and not glossing over any relevant part.

It is very important to me, and I have always known the truth, that there will never be any more anger between us.

Love
Izzy

[nogadge]

  THANK YOU IZZY!
I didn't like thinking along those lines.  I so glad.
Nogadge