I was watching Survivor last night and it prompted me to think about this chart. The women on the show were doing well, which means that they now have a group of women dominating the proceedings, "picking off" the men, one by one - voting them off the island. They were saying things like, "We're Black Widows, chewing them up and spitting them out." My H was saying, "Wow, they are some mean b*@ches." I said, "If it were men, they'd just be 'smart'."
Anyway, as the show went on, the women got more and more "aggressive" in their words, and power-hungriness. At first I was proud of them, but as they got more arrogant, I started to feel ashamed of them.
As I said, it reminded me of the following chart. It's been helpful to me in having a "governor" for my voice. I found this info on a random site, and I'm sorry to say I no longer have the original URL. If I come across it again, I'll update this posting.
Assertive vs. Passive and Aggressive Behaviour
How you communicate with others is sometimes defined by psychologists according to patterns of interpersonal behaviour, that is, either passive, aggressive or assertive. Each broadly defines a particular way of responding to others; whether you respond passively, aggressively or assertively will to a large degree determine not only how people treat you, but how much confidence and self-respect you're able to develop and maintain. The table below outlines some of the various ways different behaviour styles are expressed, and the effect they may have on others.
Characteristics
PASSIVE
Allow others to choose for you. Emotionally dishonest. Indirect self-denying, inhibited. In win-lose situations you lose. If you do get your own way, it is indirectly.
ASSERTIVE
Choose for self. Appropriately honest. Direct, self-respecting, self-expressing, straight-forward. Convert win-lose to win-win.
AGGRESSIVE
Choose for others. Inappropriately honest (tactless). Direct, self- enhancing. Self-expressive, derogatory. Win-lose situation that you win.
Your Own Feelings on the Exchange
PASSIVE
Anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated. Angry at yourself, and/or others.
ASSERTIVE
Confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later: Accomplished.
AGGRESSIVE
Righteous, superior,deprecatory, controlling. Later: possibly guilt.
Others' Feelings in the Exchange
PASSIVE
Guilty or superior. Frustrated with you.
ASSERTIVE
Valued, respected.
AGGRESSIVE
Humiliated, defensive, resentful, hurt.
Others' View of You in the Exchange
PASSIVE
Lack of respect, distrust. Can be considered a pushover. Do not know where you stand.
ASSERTIVE
Respect, trust. Know where you stand.
AGGRESSIVE
Vengeful, angry, distrustful, fearful.
Outcome
PASSIVE
Others achieve their goals at your expense. Your rights are violated.
ASSERTIVE
Outcome determined by above-board negotiation. Your and others' rights respected.
AGGRESSIVE
You achieve your goal at others' expense. Your rights upheld; others' are violated.
Underlying Belief System
PASSIVE
I should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeased... except myself.
ASSERTIVE
I have a responsibility to protect my own rights: I respect others but not necessarily their behaviour.
AGGRESSIVE
Whatever it takes to be seen as “right”.
