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In the name of 'help'

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Anonymous:
After years of thinking and deleberation and after I raised the issue with my NHS counsellor finally I have got the 'it is alright to say it' sign from him.... I feel violated, belittled, emotionally drained, insulted, ripped off, conned and seriously abused by a person who took it upon himself to 'help' me from my 'problems'. He is a priest and a professor in a College in India where I studied.. and I feel I have been robbed in day light for THREE YEARS and I didnt realise it until my present counsellor thought that I have been abused by him.

All these time I have been thinking about him as am ideal person and the 'father figure' which was missing in my life. He was the only other significant person in my life .. apart from my abusive parents. What is he like ?  He is a monster.. a maniac trapped in his intellect.. out of touch with life !

This is how it began...
I was writing my entrance exam to College.. most of my way through the exam, this person I have never met before in my life.. tapped me on my shoulder and said 'you are doing fine..I am the Head of the Dept and if I give you admission would you study here ? " I said yes.

Looks like the 'if i give you admission would you study here' means 'would you give me admission to study and analyse your self ' and my 'yes' was praised as 'spontanious' and 'directly from the heart' obviously I got the top grade it seems even in the entrance exam. Yea right.. I am an open book.. not much ego.. and he knew it.

After that it was regular 'sessions' of 'psychoanalysis' and my grade depeded on it. I was his 'special' student. He calls me even with a 'pet' name and he would remind the entire class often that I was ' a very sweet person' ( there were obviously talk behind my back that we had gay relationship )

These 'sessions' would often go like this..he would want to meet my dad.. cos thats his method of teaching it seems. He would insist that he wanted to meet my father because he know that I would not forgive him and look after him. He wouldn't want to meet my mom.. because according to him ' I see her daily'

If I resist and am not co-operative and if the 'session' took place in class.. he would look at the other students and say 'what can I do today ? she ( my anima I presume ? ) is very arroogant today.. but she is so beautiful.. somehow she has stolen my heart..I can't concentrate' etc.. and the 'session' is usually over

On other occasions when I do 'concent' he would praise me for my 'spontanity and being myself' and hug me.. saying that I have forgiven my father.. he would hug me.. the class would laugh.. he would say 'why are you shy ? you are a beautiful person.. and you know this is right ignore those who laugh it is all only a mask.. feel my heartbeat, why are you trembling.. dont worry.. you are nice"

Such 'psychoanalytic sessions' would go on on a daily basis sometimes during class hours.. sometimes over after class.  

Such 'sessions' would also involve my parents sometimes. Namely my father. He would insist on seeing him other wise he would refuse to let me attend the viva/exam etc. The logic ? ( the exam could be on a subject of communication theories.. and my failing to forgive my self through my father is the inability to see myself through him.. is 'noise' and isn't perfect communication.. or an inability to love.. so in fact in his mind I am failed etc ) and he is trying to give myself a second chance to pass the 'exam' by brinning my dad to college and trying out a 'spontanious' exam. When my dad comes though.. he would praise him saying' dont worry.. your son is doing really well.. and you can be proud of him' etc. He wouldnt say such things when my mom visited him though. In fact he would say.. I am meeting her.. ' cos I dont have much option... she is winning today.. I am falling for that woman"

Such 'sessions' would also involve assignments. I had to right essays on 'love' and 'touch' and present it to class.

Sometimes the 'sessions' were also corrective. He would comment on what I wear.. I was not supposed to wear black clothes..or white ones.. ( polarity ) but had to wear coloured clothes. I also had to iron them.. and he  wouldnt want my mom to iron them for me too. While walking.. he would try to imitate my footsteps.. he would try to push me to a side.. block my way.. ask me to say ' good morning' and smile at him each day.. I had to report to him each morning and say 'good morning to him'.. I had to eat quite a lot each day for breakfast and report to him what I ate.
'
.. all the while I was 'learning'  he know that ' you wouldnt forgive yourself by yourself.. you wouldnt forgive yourself for the sake of your dad.. that why I am here.. try forgiving yourself for mysake"
also ' you would love to change your name and be someone else.. But still I love you '

I was asked to 'give up on my mom, dislike cats, give up cricket, hate England, forgive my dad, give up on computers graphics, encouraged to eat meat, encouraged to use my right hand ( i am left handed ) etc etc

The logic ? cats are selfish and I happened to mentioned that I owned a cat, cricket ? it is a gay mans orgy.. and he didnt want any students in the faculty to follow or watch the game.. England ? ruled by a queen.. lacks a father figure meaning the men havent forgiven themselves as men, computer graphics ? because learning it was not education.. it is more like tunelled vision rather than lateral thinking ? eating meat ( I was a vegitarian as a kid ) vegetarian is 'soft', left handedness ? right brain is for feelings.. and left brain for intellect.. therefore reason had to come out more it seems

It also involved 'dream interpretaion' maintainig diaries etc.. cos the subject  at that time was script writing. When I submitted my script.. even without reading it he dusted his chair with it.. and smiled at me and hinted ' I dont have to read it .. I already know the content. I can see it in your eyes.. but dont worry I will always love you' etc

How forgiving is he to the other students who are not 'learining' and not willing to show up their 'true selves' to him ? Some of them had to leave college for good. He couldnt even get to attend the marriage of two of the student just the day after graduation.. ' cos he couldnt see his true selves in them '

On his 'bad days' ( atleast once a week ) he has even challenged the students for an intellectual and physical fight and claimed that he could win each one of us cos we were not ' up for it' The class itself was a failure it seems except for certain individuals ( thats me ) cos the group dynamics wouldnt work and therefor he couldnt see himself in the group. He even challenged that that no one in the class is capable of loving and he would even place a bet on it..if only any of us were honest ewnough to even have a bet with.

Sometimes he could not concentrate because most of us were chauvenists it seems. I was particularly named in front of the class for that. The reason ? I was not controlling my anima.. meaning  I dispaced it on to a woman. The reasons are things I figured out for myself later on though.. after years of reading into his words. He would never give any explanation for his judgements ( me and the other students were never going to understand it anyway.. after all we weren't as forgiving as himself :roll: )

Sometimes he would challenge us on psychoanalysis. He would never teach it because 'it is pointless.. and he doesnt like to waste his energy' but he loves to challenge us on it claiming ' none of you are worthy enough to write any decent reprt on it.. and even if you did it would do great injustice to the field of study'. On the rare occasion when he even got himself to trying to attempt teach the subject.. he mentioned the 'Oedipus myths.. well I am not going to try tell it to you.. it might afftect a few of you here.. certainly upset atleast one guy ( me I think ) even though he wont recognise the significance of it now "

When the day is even worse.. which is atleast once a week.. he would refuse to attend class claiming 'I wont be able to see myself in the class today because as a group you are not true to yourselves and are being cowardly' Sometimes he would have 'private sessions' with me or one of his other 'special' students from junior/senior years when he douesnt attend class. He would love to inflate my ego then ..'I know you will become famour soon.. don't forget me then " He would hug me.. 'I know you are doing this becaise you like me from the deepest of your heart.. why be shy ? " then he would go on.. " why are you looking shocked ? .. my appearance.. ? it is only a mask.. I am also just like you.. also more like your dad.. appearance could be deceptive.. do you want me to shave  if that would help ? "

Sometimes he would offer to help find a girlfriend.. because he knew that I  could easily be deceived by women it seems. He even advised my dad that he needed to find a wife for me. He has even offered to name my kid if ever I got married cos he know the right name for a child born to a person such as myself it seems.

:cry: What did I learn out of him ? An intellectual monster who is so caught up in his own head.. why did he hug me ? who needed those hugs more ? who was learning from who ? who is the narcissist ? who has a problem with women ? who is the chauvvanist ? who is so unforgiving ?

While not disowning my own shortcommings I reserve the right to hate and hate with a vengence from now on this self serving, pathertic excuse of a priest who in the name of 'helping' me dumped on me his worthless and insecure self from which would I still haven't started to heel

the angry Spirit

Nic:
You have obviously come face to face with a Class A, top of the line, pathetic Narcissist and been horribly hurt by this.
I'm so sorry for you, however, i'm glad you could see it..i'm glad you identified the Nism..i'm offering you validation with this post.  You have indeed been violated.  I feel almost nauseous thinking about that man! :x

And now you're left with the grieving process.  I'm glad your parents didn't do this to you..sadly that hurts even more.
I'm glad you have used your voice and put this down in writing. I celebrate your clear -headedness as far as this is concerned.
May you get on with your life and be happy and not suffer overly from PTSD.
I'm sorry this happened to you, what a nightmare!!! :x
You won, he's lost. :D
All the best,
Nic :)

Anonymous:
Spirit,

This 'priest' (so-called) is not only an N, he sounds psychopathic.  :evil: He is extremely dangerous and destructive. It's good that you can acknowledge how outraged you are. That's the beginning of the healing process. Good work.

bunny

Feline:
I am so so so glad you escaped that control freak and got out of his cult.
I dunno what to say to you 'cause I am just stunned at what you said... I hopeyou  heal and straighen out your heart after all that happened swiftly.I hope you have some real caring,genuine emotional supports helipng you where you are at now who will listen to you and feel with you through your healing process.And please do not blame yourself and feel guilty for being manipulated and used by a sociopath.
Because what you went through is just scary and it could happen to anyone.Everyone at one time or another in life is vunerable or unaware of thier own boundaries or going through stuff and are not aware of the way manipulators operate on emotions and exploit  people's fears and hopes.Everyone gets taken in sometimes,saddest part is it sometimes hurts alot and causes alot of damage inside your heart. Be gentle with yourself you have been through alot.Just remember you were strong enough to escape the sociopath's influnce and get out  and that is such a healthy positive act on your own behalf.
I'm here and I care and I hear you.

Spirit:
Thanks a lot Nic, Bunny and Feline

I really feel confused dazed and stunned by these thoughts. There are now other issues that are also bothering me. I fee la bit vulnerable and stupid t obe honest.

As I would have mentioned in my earlier posts that I was with counselling woth a women counsellor when I was doing my post graduate studies. I would have attended around 15 sessions before I dropped out.

Although I didn't look at the above mentioned issue about that 'non-entity' in the same light then.. I did speak about him. When ever I did she would change topic. Why ?

If all three of you can easily see and validate my doubts, as a Counsellor couldnt she have come to the same understanding even if I spoke of the above mentioned nutter in positive light ?

Also there was an incidence where I was working part time and there was an event that was definitely emotionally abusive ( yes.. at that time I asked for it and again said 'yes' and didn't look at it as abusive ) but I did mention it to the counsellor.. she imediately changed topics.

My present counsellor who again I believe is not too sure if he wants to take me.. ( in fact he has refered me to the therapists in the hospital) asked if I had come to counselling despite my earlier experiences.. which I obviously even failed to understand were nowhere near being helpful to me

Am I addict to abuse ? I feel very very vulnerable. I am right now trying to figure out details about my past counsellor cos I don't know anything about her and I even believed that it was normal.

I am not going to trust the NHS aswell.. nor the GP nor my present counsellor.. I have decided to go for second opinions even if I feel I really need to trust the counsellor to heel..second opinion meaning I will ask questions and double check that the person I might talk is not abusive..ask the GP about the counselling body perhaps.. and the counselling body about the NHS etc but me not being the best of judges it is going to be tough and I will be earning the 'bad patient' reputation.. it is like catch 22

any advices ? also anybody know why the NHS / BACP so confusing and not transparent ? I always get a feeling that that never give meaningful answers.

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