Lunch with Mother

[Gaining Strength]

I had lunch today with my mother and her sitter Lo, whom I adore.  My mother has not been feeling well and today was in prime form.  I knew several people in the restaurant and spoke to a few.  Each time I do I cringe.  But I know why - she puts me through the grill asking who the person is, how do I know them, who is that with them, what do they do for a living.  When I answered one of her questions in a way she did not like she told me so.  I explained to her that her questions were far too demanding and unpleasant.  She apologized in  a huffy manner.

I am not searching for "answers".  I just wanted to share it.

I talked to Lo about it later and she was disgusted by my mothers behavior there and with her alone earlier.  I don't need to denigrate my mother but to share my frustration.  Thanks

[debkor]

Hey GS,

Who hoo *guilty*   I have done somewhat the same as your M to my D but I knew enough to shut up and I was being annoying. 


Love
Deb

[Ami]

I am glad you shared your frustration, GS. Go to a restaurant in another city,next time(lol).         Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I knew enough to shut up and I was being annoying.

Who hoo!  You are  far advanced of my mother.  She has ZERO idea that there was anything wrong with our exchange other than my response to her.  OMG it just drives me crazy.  

So now it's time for me to let go - what a pain all this healing stuff is - what a worse pain living in the darkness. bleh!

[Ami]

This healing stuff does seem hard, very hard, at times. You are right about the darkness, though. Been there, done that(lol)
                                                                   Love   Ami



((((((GS)))))))

[Gaining Strength]

It's yucky but it's not permanent.

[gratitude28]

GS,
Congrats on being level with your NM. It was great that you were able to clearly tell her that she overstepped. I think this is important with the N as the setting of boundaries has really worked for me... and I think for others here. We can't erase the behavior, but we can contain it to some extent.
Lots of love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

this is the reason lunch with mother was so nerve jangling to me:  She would do this same thing (demanding questions about people I knew) when I was a teenager.  If I introduced her she would be rude to them and then later disparage them.  She did not have the capacity to warmly welcome people into our fold.  There was never a time that she was gracious to someone I introduced to her.  Even the friends I had before my husband died hated being around her.  At my wedding and my son's christening she would walk into a situation and try to take over and be rude (cold-shoulder) people who had committed no offense other than step up to help me (jealously trying to keep people out.)

When I was a child she would arbitrarily pass an edict that I was not to befriend people I introduced her to or that I was not to speak to such people.  This was always embarrassing, often humiliating.  It would happen to people I knew well or only knew in passing.  At that age she had complete control over what I did. 

In years past, I would simply avoid speaking to people I knew or was familiar with when I was out in public with my mother for fear of her reaction.  I won't do that any more.  I realize that I have lived being controlled by her rudeness and humiliation all my life.  It's so weird.  She owns absolutely none of her behavior.  Neither of course, does my father.  Neither of them has ever owned nor acknowledged any errors in their actions towards their children.  They aren't able.  They are Ns.

I've slipped from my promise to myself to turn my focus from my wounds to my positives.  I need to get back on track.

[Ami]

You are allowed a teensy ,weensy slip, GS(lol)      Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you Ami.  Just one - remember I'm an addict(lol).

[Sugarbear]

My mother does this also. I think it is a combination between lack of boundaries and the inability to think of you as an adult (equal) and therefore she is entitled to question you to her satisfaction. Oh, and a total lack of basic social skills. It goes with being an N, I guess.

In years past, I would simply avoid speaking to people I knew or was familiar with when I was out in public with my mother for fear of her reaction.  I won't do that any more.  I realize that I have lived being controlled by her rudeness and humiliation all my life.  It's so weird.  She owns absolutely none of her behavior.  Neither of course, does my father.  Neither of them has ever owned nor acknowledged any errors in their actions towards their children.  They aren't able.  They are Ns.

It isn't fair that you have to bend and twist yourself in order to accommodate your N parents. I know why you need to do this, but it definitely isn't fair. Don't you wish there was some magic bullet - something you could say or do that would finally, FINALLY get through to them?

[Hopalong]

I won't do that any more.

Healthiest thing I've read all day.

Atta girl, GS.

love,
Hops

[Overcomer]

I cannot believe how similar our parents are.  Some of my very best friends got the snub all my life and my parents were never friendly towards their parents either.  I love what you said about them never owning anything-why would my mom accept  ANY responsibility?  It is easier to place blame than to accept responsibility!

[LilyCat]

GS,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you had a rotten lunch. I don't have any experience with an N parent, I don't know what it's like, but from reading your post and so many others, it just sounds so awful. Eeeech! It's hard to know even what to say.

...I'm trying to understand the healing you are all trying to do. This kind of background (N family) is new to me. My only N experience was with my pastor, and he was mostly in the idealized stage, so it was very nice, if confusing, until he went nasty on me those two times. It never got intimate enough for me to really experience his craziness on a day-to-day level. (Thank the lord!)

I just wanted to let you know that I care, even if I don't know what to say. You have been so generous and kind to me on this board -- you're a great person, and very wise, and deserve some pats on the back.

LC