Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Adult Siblings Who Were Raised in Narcissitic Families
Anonymous:
Hello,
I wish I had the opportunity to band together with my siblings while growing up and to feel closer. Ironically, we were told and we acted as though we were all "close" in our post school years. My mother was the main cheerleader of Ndad who was gone a lot. When he was around, his unspoken attitude was that we were major inconveniences. As a result, my oldest brother and I became invisible. My Nbro was the golden boy and copied my father a lot.
My Ndad is a verbal bully. He didn't call us names or swear, just got really loud, disgusted, and would insinuate that there was something wrong with us if we spoke our minds. "What made you say that? How can you think that?" Nbro was a major tattler and mother's favorite (because he was most like Ndad). My other brother never talked about anything and today is a very angry bottled up guy who is not very insightful about anybody's feelings, let alone his own. Nbro would take on Ndad and that's when the fireworks flew. My father HAD to win any argument and would follow my brother from room to room (like the Great Santini & basketball) to continue to make his "points".
My voiceless bro operates from a small fortress built inside of himself, even within his own household of wife and two kids. Like his wife, he is very passive aggressive. I felt closest to him growing up, but today I wonder if that "closeness" was really only identification with his loner/outsider status. We didn't talk about anything intimate if we talked at all. He and I were sort of numbed out. He watched TV and I read. He married a BPD woman and we siblings do not see him anymore because he is a major enabler of her machinations.
My Nbro is coming to the conclusion that he was abused by my father. But he says it like he was the only one! :roll: He isn't very interested in my experiences except to have me say "I know" and validate what happened to him. I also used to have to watch what I said because he would use it against me. Now I don't care if he does or not because I see it for what it is and can speak my truth to my parents a bit more now. I can defend myself by pointing out the consequences of how their words and actions affect me (they don't stop to think about that...but when I point it out to them it has some effect), at least with my mother.
Anonymous
Dawning:
Hello Ishana.
--- Quote ---What are your experiences related to this subject? How were your relationships with your siblings when you were young?
--- End quote ---
I am an only child. Nmother and Nfather divorced. I guess the closest thing I had to siblings were my two cousins but my mother and aunt have always disliked each other since I can remember. I was physically abused by my aunt when I was under the age of 10 (in private) and she will never admit to the abuse. Once, she abused me in public, and it is an "unspoken rule" that no one is allowed to bring it up. I confronted her about this last year and she justified it. She said I was a *little bitch* - guess that means I deserved it. What a load of crap. :x But the effect lingers...I still question myself...AM I REALLY a little bitch who deserves to be hit and slapped around? Uninstall...uninstall...
Bunny wrote:
--- Quote ---In my family, my mother is supposed to be the conduit. We aren't supposed to talk to each other, but only through her. This is an unspoken rule, not stated outright. So we don't talk to each other that much because if my mom finds out, she sulks and makes us feel guilty. So we're still under her control in some ways.
--- End quote ---
This is similar to what my grandmother did with my mother and aunt. My first therapist told me that her mentality was likely "divide and conquer." My grandmother was brought up in an orphanage as a child. Her insecurities were likely expressed by keeping the two daughters separated somehow even though on the outside the family appeared *perfect.* Nonetheless, the hostility between my mother and aunt still exists and was, for awhile, in danger of being passed down to the kids - us cousins. I have a pretty good relationship with one of my cousins. She allows me to use her address for insurance purposes, etc.
My grandmother is in denial about everything. It is maddening to be with her. Very passive-aggressive. The last time I saw her was when my mother and I were planning to take a drive to a city about 4 hours away and stay for two night before I caught a flight. Our relationship was pretty good then (relatively speaking) but grandmother sulked...yes, that is the perfect word. She felt like she didn't want to *impose* on the other daughter by asking her for care. I invited grandmother to come with us but that did not turn the trick. It seems she wants to keep everyone divided and will to her dying day. Several weeks ago, I got a letter from her telling me that *you are loved just as if you were one of my own children and grandchildren." WTF???
Thanks for the questions, Ishana.
p.s. as a teenager and young adult, I was enmeshed in this hatred between the two sisters. I, naturally, wanted to protect my mother and also wanted to shout out the abuse I had received at the hands of my aunt but no one would listen. the more I got embroiled with protecting my mother, the worse it got for me - I became the identified patient and my mother could pass off her rage onto me (ie, get me to do her raging for her) so she could come out of it smelling like a rose. In the last several years, I have used the rather effective imagery of seeing the three of them (grandmother/mother/aunt) as a 3-headed monster.
Ishana:
Thank you all for your responses. It seems that we all have very different experiences and responses to our Narcissistic childhoods even if we are raised in the very same household. I admire each of you for seeking your own voice and truth. I also perceived a great deal of love and understanding for our siblings, even if we still experience difficulties or are not as close to them as we would like.
I asked the question because I am experiencing difficulties in my relationship with my younger sister. My sister has special needs, which makes things even more complicated. Sometimes I get tired just trying to figure out the dynamics of what is going on, let along try to find a healthy or workable response.
Lately I've been wanting to pull away from her but she is very needy, especially emotionally. The problem is that when I try to be available or there for her she just pushes me away. Then, when I stay away she becomes enraged that I'm not giving her enough attention.
I understand that a big part of growing up in a Narcisstic/Enabler household is the lack of attention. I experience this loss myself. I am trying to figure out how to have healthy interactions and provide my sister with support without enabling dysfunctional behavior or taxing myself so much that it affects my well-being or happiness.
I have only had contact with my younger brother 3 or 4 times since I became an adult and left home. I am sad about this because I feel I do not know him. I understand that the reason he is so distant is to protect himself, but I still feel sad for myself and my son, who is his only nephew. My brother is my son's only Uncle. My brother only saw my son once, when my son was 3 years old. My son is 20 now. This is a deep loss for me and my son.
I realize this is all because of how dysfunctional our home was and the deep level of pain the three of us (my sister, brother and myself) carry. It makes me mad that I STILL have to deal with all of this after all these years. :evil:
Ishana
Dawning:
Ishana wrote:
--- Quote ---I asked the question because I am experiencing difficulties in my relationship with my younger sister. My sister has special needs, which makes things even more complicated. Sometimes I get tired just trying to figure out the dynamics of what is going on, let along try to find a healthy or workable response.
--- End quote ---
Has a trustworthy diagnosis been made regarding your sister? Nowadays, there seems to be alot of information on special needs once a diagnosis has been made. Then, you'll have the option of joining a support group and/or investigate strategies and maybe you won't feel so tired or see the situation as so complicated if you can share with others.
--- Quote ---My brother only saw my son once, when my son was 3 years old. My son is 20 now. This is a deep loss for me and my son.
--- End quote ---
I can relate to this loss so well...its so sad. I had - until recently - an overwhelming sense of loss and pain I was not in touch with. No one in my family - esp my parents - has ever acknowledged my loss. What gives me heart and hope about your story is that you ackowledge a loss *too*. This makes it alot easier for your son - to have a mother who is not in denial. I'm glad you care about him so much.
Anonymous:
Hi Ishana,
Your post about your brother/son's uncle reminded me of another thing. My parents did not stay in touch with their siblings really. My father would call his brother once in a great while. They weren't close but they weren't enemies either. They were both rather detached from everyone.
I've only seen my mother's sisters about twice (each). I never saw her brother and he lived closest to us. It turns out he was a raging alcoholic. My aunts were pretty flipped out, too.
It's no wonder that if any of us wanted to move away for career reasons, they were very angry and hurt. Because they had done that very thing and they felt rejected Big Time. They interpreted a move as a rejection of them, not growth of us, and as a failure of their parenting. Ugh. So we were strongly discouraged from "hurting" them the way they hurt and ran away from their homes. Happy families stick together... :roll:
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