A different kind of voiceless issue

[LilyCat]

After the disastrous ending of my friendship et al with the N pastor, I evaluated some things and made some decisions. (Bear with me on this...)

The first one was that from now on, I will take myself seriously. I have never, ever done that in my life. Ever!

I think that will resolve some issues of entitlement for me, and probably some others as well. And if I don't take myself seriously, who else will?

Reading Drama of the Gifted Child, and Dr. G's essay on voicelessness, helped me understand how much I've accommodated myself to others. "Drama" helped me go waaaaaaaay back and realize that it started from early on. My parents expected me to conform to their needs, and never give me real choices about what I wanted. This included almost all my interests, except for reading.

So, in the context of feeling so empty (which made room for the N to invade my space, so to speak) and trying to move forward, I made a list of the things that I knew myself to be interested in, and want.

It was very short, maybe three things.

One of them was taking voice lessons. I was an instrumental major in college, didn't sing there but began singing in earnest in my church choir under a very talented director (for 30+ years). During the past few years he paid me to be section head because he couldn't find a professional alto. (We have paid soloists/section heads, but I don't do solos!! Never!!!) I think it was also to help me out while I was out of work and then struggling in a low-payin job. In any case, it was a shock to me, and seemed quite funny, because the voice teacher in college was horrible to me. (We had to take a minimum skills class to teach.) No way have I ever thought of myself as a singer.

I had my first lesson on Saturday.

It sort of freaked me out. There I was, singing in front of someone (I have never willingly sung before someone, just in our section or quartet. I must be part of a group!!) I had to open my mouth and sing. Talk about speaking (singing) up!!

Then it just became strange. Singing properly is very physical, in a way I hadn't known. It involves really getting in touch with your body in a myriad of ways. (And having a pixie of a teacher who's a former ballerina doesn't help with confidence! She's very nice, though.) So not only did I have to stop being shy and sing in front of her, I also had to get in touch with my body, which I'm not used to doing in that way.

As we progressed through the lesson and started to find a bigger (more resonant, projects more) voice, I was having real problems, mentally. I had to struggle to give myself permission to develop a real, mature, voice that can be heard and projects. (Okay, it's going to take some time, but she was delightful and said we can get so much more out!)

I never expected to have to confront myself about wanting to sing better, or with a bigger voice. What a surprise. It's going to take genuine courage for me to step up and let others hear that voice. I'm so used to being hidden and hiding myself in all areas of life, including this.

It's really great to have a music director who hears something in you, and has that kind of faith in your ability. (I don't question the musicianship part, just the vocal part.) AND, he was the one who stood up for me about 1,000% during the harassment hearing, so it is triply great. Also nice to have fellow altos who have always been so supportive of my singing. (Really, I thought I sang off-key all these years.)

And I have to say, I know this was something the N pastor really enjoyed about me. He used to do the funniest little thing when we sang (he sang in our choir, has a really nice voice). He used to stand near me when he could, and then he would always sort of turn toward me, or lean into me (hard to describe), and listen. Okay, he's a bad man, but he did a lot of sweet things like this in his craziness, and this was one of the ones that I particularly liked.

I also got to thinking over the weekend, perhaps because of this -- I wonder why it was so important to my parents that I major in music. They were so odd (typically) -- they pressed me really hard, it seemed like the only option they gave me. I rebelled and then they gave in and stopped the pressure (I think, thinking that if they backed off I would come around). Then when I decided to go into music (surprise, surprise), they took away my support. Just when I needed lessons for college auditions, they stopped them. (Strange...) This is what I mean when I say they took things away from me, especially if I was successful.

I just wondered why it was so important to them that I went into music. My sister was already a music ed major, so it's not like they needed a music teacher in the family.

I can see why they would encourage music lessons, etc., but to major in it is a whole different ballgame. It was the "approved" career path (education only, not being a pro). Believe me, it's not because I had any native talent. I'm a good musician today because of lots of education, but it's not because I'm a natural musician. I know that, it's very obvious when I listen to my real musician friends.

I didn't even have a choice about what instrument to play. I was told I would play french horn, and that was it. It wasn't what I wanted to play, I never really liked it until I got out of college and studied with a prominent professional.

Anyway, this all came as a surprise. I never expected to encounter a "voiceless" issue of this kind. It's going to be a growth thing to step up and allow myself to sing out and sing with a very mature, womanly voice. (Not that I sang with a little girl's voice, but when you hit your real voice it's very mature and ... womanly.)

All a very interesting little nest of things.

[Izzy_*now*]

Can't help you with singing, LC--screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech
IZ

[Ami]

Dear LilyCat,
 I played the piano since I was a child and the guitar since junior high. However, I never felt so naked, as when I took voice lessons. Using your voice makes you feel so vulnerable.You have nothing to hide behind. It is just "you" and only you. I understand what you mean that it is a paradigm shift in your body and mind. I think it will be exciting for you to see the changes that occur.
  I would be interested in updates.   Ami                                                                                                                     

[Gaining Strength]

He used to do the funniest little thing when we sang (he sang in our choir, has a really nice voice). He used to stand near me when he could, and then he would always sort of turn toward me, or lean into me (hard to describe), and listen
That's very sweet and endearing.  I certainly see the appeal.



I wonder why it was so important to my parents that I major in music. They were so odd (typically) -- they pressed me really hard, it seemed like the only option they gave me. I rebelled and then they gave in and stopped the pressure (I think, thinking that if they backed off I would come around). Then when I decided to go into music (surprise, surprise), they took away my support. Just when I needed lessons for college auditions, they stopped them. (Strange...) This is what I mean when I say they took things away from me, especially if I was successful.  From this one paragraph I wonder if the pastor was the only N in your life.  That pressure and then sabotage when you became successful - that has N parent written all over it.  That is so painful to read, so painful because I lived it and didn't even admit it to myself until recent years - that my own parents would sabotage me.  When I have told others about specific examples of sabotage they were quick to offer other explanations.  Noone wants to believe your parents would, could sabotage you - but you know they did.  Mine did too.

I am deeply sorry that you experienced that.  I am so glad that you are finding your voice now.  It is never too late to heal.

All my best to you,
Gaining Strength

[LilyCat]

Thanks, everyone.

Izzy, that was just too funny! Loved the cat. I'm in the middle of cat wars at home...don't know if they'll get resolved or not.

Ami, thanks. How neat to hear that you like music also. And good to hear that someone else knows that "naked" feeling. It really was!!! I'll keep you updated.

GS, as always, thanks for your wise and wonderful words. Yeah, the pastor was just utterly charming and really wonderful, even before I fell for him. But once he "fell" (???) for me, he really was just so endearing. It was like he was totally infatuated. I guess to some it would seem like junior high, but to me it was totally endearing. He just couldn't control himself. Used to seem so totally happy just to be near me ... like, when he couldn't really be near me because it was during a church service or activity, but he could sit within a certain proximity. Often, he would just glow. And he would totally light up when I walked in the room, as if I made his whole day. I guess this was his idealization. Sigh. It wasn't real, but it was so sweet.  He always had this air about him that I had totally brought him to his knees. Absolutely captivating. 

I have often wondered whether my dad was an N. I asked my therapist, but he said no. He doesn't go for labels much but he said if he had to classify him, he'd say he was schizoid. But I do think my dad had some definite N traits. Easily hurt, very sensitive, sometimes I saw those cold, distant eyes; it was very scarey. Really, though, he was just terribly needy and, underneath, afraid. He didn't have a false personality or anything. I think all the verbal bullying and controlling he did was to keep me close. I'm pretty sure a lot of the taking-away stuff was orchestrated by my mom. I could get stuff from my dad, but rarely my mom. Same thing, she wanted me to stick around. They groomed me to stick around and take care of them.

Yuo, I've got lots of crazy stories. But I have to tell you, my parents were two of the absolute best people on earth. For all their craziness, I have seldom, if ever, encountered anyone with hearts as good and open and sweet as theirs, even if they didn't always let their light shine. They were always there when someone was in trouble, quietly but unerringly. And I know they were good for sure, because when my brother had his accident (did I write about that? Can't remember. He fell down a mountain in Glacier Nat'l park when he was 27, and sustained massive brain damage. He was in a coma for 5 months and never really recovered; couldn't speak or communicate; was a paraplegic. He wasn't in very good shape. Just massive brain damage.)

...anyway, my parents rose to this challenge as few do. They completely dedicated themselves to him. He lived for 20 years in a nursing home, and for 20 years they drove 30 miles each way to see him several times a week; my dad went up every Sat night to take him out for supper (pizza or something); every Sunday for 20 years they drove up, got my brother, and brought him home for Sunday dinner, then drove him back. They took him on small vacations 1-2 a year, usually to Pennsylvania where they were from. My mom did all his laundry for 20 years, would never let anyone else touch it.

I can't begin to tell you how much they did for him, or how devoted they were. I don't know how they did what they did, when their hearts must have been ripped out of them. I truly don't know how you go on after you lose a child like that. I know it was hard enough for me.

All that, and as their pastor (not mine) said at my mom's memorial service, my mom never complained. And she didn't. She always had time for everyone. No one ever helped them, but she was always there to listen or care for others. I suppose in part because she thought maybe someone would return the favor. But despite their goodness, people didn't. I guess they were just too uncomfortable with my brother.

After my mom died, my dad became known in his little town (they moved back to where they grew up, and my mom died in a car crash six weeks later, which was six months after my brother died) as that "sweet little old man," which he truly was. (It was the town where he grew up.) He always gave the waitresses at the diner a good tip and Christmas tips; took care of a lot of people in this little town where no one had any money; when someone vandalized the mechanic's garage and stole his computer, my dad offered to lend him (he was a good friend to my dad) $5k.

The things they did, my parents never mentioned; I'm sure they did a lot more that I'm unaware of. They didn't do it for glory, they did it because they were good people.

So, people are complex. I had a huge lack of caring from them and enormous abuse from my dad -- oh, the stories I could tell you, even as an adult -- but in so many ways it would be hard to find a better example. I really mean that.

Sorry for the long ramble!!

[gratitude28]

Lily,
I am reading through your posts which are so prosaic...
I can't help wondering if you are still very conflicted by accepting your childhood and how you were treated. It seems you are painting your family life as ideal on one end, and hellacious on the other. It seems you are still having a difficult time believing what your parents did was wrong. Since you have the backing of your Therapist, I would tend to believe your parents were far less than ideal. I wonder if this is as much an issue for you as the pastor???????
Lots of love,
Beth

[LilyCat]

Hi Beth,

Thanks for your reply -- I can certainly see what you were picking up on, and how. Thanks for the word of appreciation, too. I'm chuckling because I may be prosaic, but I know I'm also verbose!

Believe me, I do not idealize my parents, even if it seemed so in my post. I would be the first person to tell you the price I have paid for their neglect and abuse. And I can easily bring up the anger.

In fact, just last night in group I told them that although my dad became such a close friend in his last 10 years, and I truly loved him and enjoyed his company, I never forgot the things he did to me. (I finally figured out why I haven't grieved much over him; he died in October. It's because I'd had enough of him, good and bad.) It's very important that I remember, not to hold a grudge (I don't hold too much of one!) but so that I can remember to be patient with myself, and why I am where I am in life.

And believe me, I don't ever remember idealizing them as a kid. I hated my dad. I actively  wished him dead up until maybe even the last 10 years. I'm not sure what I felt about my mother. She had such a good act going that I didn't see through her until I went into therapy. Except for my dad's abuse, I didn't have a very clear picture of what had happened to me, and it took a lot of years to get that picture.

I don't think anyone can understand unless they've gone through something like what happened with my brother. I saw how it just ripped out their hearts. I saw how they went on, dedicated to him, even though they felt dead inside, if not decimated. Over the years I saw families with similar situations, and plenty of them eventually abandoned their children.

My parents never abandoned my brother. Not long before he died, I realized that if they had done that for him, they would have done it for me, and that was when I realized that they did love me, despite all the shit they gave me.

And you're right there, too. My therapist has often said that I don't have to give them a break just because they were so committed to my brother. But he also hasn't encouraged me to hate them, or have no contact with them, or whatever. He has always said that they loved me, just explained it in terms of them having things upside down, using at least me to meet their needs instead of being there to meet mine. It's been really hard to understand how that affected me, and I took a big leap forward when I read "Drama" and Dr. G's essays. What they did, they did unconsciously.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they weren't malicious, just very needy. I can understand need at that level.

You're right, I don't think I'll ever be totally without conflict, but I think most people have mixed feelings about their parents. Whether it's them or the pastor or other things (even not about people, just things), I seem to have an ability to hold two opposing ideas or experiences or whatever ni my hands at the same time. All I can say is, I just can do that.

And believe me, I know they are SOOOOOOOOOO much more the issue than the pastor. It's just that he's an N, and they weren't. And he's also very recent. And it's a whole different ballgame of hurt and betrayal with him. I thought I was doing so well, and I'm beginning to think that although I am picking up the pieces and moving on, there's more there than I understood. Frankly, as you can probably read in my own post, I've really been missing him this week. But that's the fake him, not the real him, which I was exposed to in only a very limited way. (Not like you all.) All of which makes it hard to wade through. Oh, it's all so confusing!! Mostly that you think you know someone for 10 years, and then all hell breaks loose. First the guy seems to be in love with you, then he turns out to be someone from another universe, and not an especially good someone ... and then there's the abuse of his office. Oye!

Anyway, thanks again. I really appreciated your reply. I"m really glad you took the time and effort. You gave me some great food for thought.

[LilyCat]

Beth,

Whoops! I actually looked up prosaic because it's one of those words I assume I know the meaning of ...

but clearly didn't.

Oh well.

Now I have even more to think about --

[gratitude28]

Uh oh, Maybe I don't know the meaning of prosaic (I assume it has to do with nicely written prose). I hope I didn't make a blunder!!!!

Lily,
You are so on the ball!!!! You sound like you have a good hold on all of your thoughts - good and bad. That is wonderful. We can all hope to be at your level.

As for missing the pastor... well, I sometimes miss drinking (the part I remember as fun), but I know to do it would be to kill myself. Your pastor is like the alcohol - he will lead to destruction, and quickly.

Lots of love,
Lily

Wow, talk about alliteration

[LilyCat]

Gratitude,

That's so funny -- that's what I thought you meant. Ha, ha!! But then when I looked it up, although it said prose-like, it seemed more to mean sort of matter-of-fact. So I took that to mean emotionless. Which would have made sense under the context.

So funny!!

This is such a weird day. My sick co-worker called and started talking about another co-worker being out for their son's surgery, which I knew nothing about. I thought she said Dennis and she'd said Janice. (Both work here.) Then I was talking in person to another co-worker, and the same thing happened. Guess I need to get my ears cleaned!!!

As to being on the ball -- well, it's taken 25 years of therapy, 20 (individual and group) with my current therapist, who is such a wonderful and smart man. I do believe he is unique in the field of therapist. He will literally tell us that "that's f---ed" up. VERY plain spoken, as you can see! But also very, very perceptive. I do not know where I'd be without him. Probably out on the street somewhere. (I'm not kidding.)

Yup. You're right about the pastor. But I don't think I'll ever be in contact with him again. He'd been in a pile of trouble if he contacted me. He's already in a pile of trouble without me!! So sad.

Anyways ... thanks for all your input!! Feel like I'm getting to know you better.

(((((gratitude28))))))))

PS -- liked that alliteration!

[Ami]

Dear LillyCat,
 What I am doing that is really helping me is to take the pain of current life and feel the pain of my childhhood, as Alice Miller says. I cried ,last night, b/c of feeling alone, but it was the aloneness of life with my M. I  felt better, today.
     Hugs   Ami

[LilyCat]

Hi Ami,

Love that Alice Miller. "Drama" is such a great and insightful book.

I'm glad you're finding it helpful. Keep up the good work! I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you ... I think of you and everyone on here so often, and how hard it must have been to grow up with an N parent, especially a mother.

It takes a lot of courage to face pain and feel it. Good for you! Know that there is sunshine on the other side of it.

((((((Ami)))))))