Signs of UNHealthy Boundaries

[Leah]

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries


1. Telling all.

2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.

3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance. 

4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.

6. Acting on the first sexual impulse.

7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.

8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.

9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.

10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want.

12. Touching a person without asking.

13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.

14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.

15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

16. Letting others direct your life.

17. Letting others describe your reality.

18. Letting others define you.

19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.

20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.

21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

22. Self-abuse.

23. Food and chemical abuse.



What a list full!

Love to all,

Leah x

[Ami]

Oh Boy, I am GLAD this is not a test----C Plus, maybe(lol)                                         Hugs,   Ami

[Leah]

Bless you (((((( Ami ))))))

NO test at all, and believe me, I doubt anyone would cross out (as not an issue) ALL of those areas.

Well, I can't for certain, and thinking about it, would that ever be possible? 

I feel sure that even the most accomplished 'boundaryite" would slip-up, now and then.

Personally, I have mastered the "Telling all" as I used to tell everyone and anyone, all, including my shoe size!

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thanks Leah
I am so happy you posted this. I used to have good boundaries, a long time ago. This list is very helpful. I see how I have given myself up, to outside approval,in order to define myself. THAT is how my boundaries "collapsed". I was not defning "me" anymore. The "outside" was.This must be how we give up our boundaries, I would think.
 I am getting them back, slowly. My stomach problems are from a lack of boundaries. It is from feeling like I cannot set them or s/thing "dire" will happen to me(death???--psychic death, maybe)
 I am on the march toward good boundaries, Leah. Thank you for the list.   Love    Ami

[darren]

Thanks Leah
I am so happy you posted this. I used to have good boundaries, a long time ago. This list is very helpful. I see how I have given myself up, to outside approval,in order to define myself. THAT is how my boundaries "collapsed". I was not defning "me" anymore. The "outside" was.This must be how we give up our boundaries, I would think.
 I am getting them back, slowly. My stomach problems are from a lack of boundaries. It is from feeling like I cannot set them or s/thing "dire" will happen to me(death???--psychic death, maybe)
 I am on the march toward good boundaries, Leah. Thank you for the list.   Love    Ami

So I'm not the only who fails this test horribly?  Thats good to know.  I have managed to overcome some of these.

[Iphi]

A great list Leah.  Many items all too familiar.  Thank you for sharing it.   Hmm no way to go but up, right?  Yes indeed, it seems life has given us a ground floor opportunity for building healthy boundaries.

[Leah]

Thanks, Iphi, and I so agree,

the only way is upwards, and onwards.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Genuine Forgiveness, and Letting Go - I consider to be a Healthy Boundary.

The opposite is the unhealthy root of bitterness. My mother was gnawed with bitterness, against anyone who did not surrender.

Leah x

[Lupita]

1. Telling all.------------> Guilty

2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.------------> Guilty

3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.  -------------> Guilty

4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.--------------------> Guilty

5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied------------------------Super Guilty

6. Acting on the first sexual impulse.------------------> Never

7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.--------------------------------> Dont know, no partner in 17 years

8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.----------------------------> Never

9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.----------------------------> Super Guilty

10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.------------------------> Feel bad and dont know why

11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want.-------------------------> Have done it. Not anymore.

12. Touching a person without asking.--------------------------------> Never

13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.---------------------------> I do it with free stuff adn sales.

14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.------------------> Guilty and Super Guilty, I fact I give so much that it is not
                                                                                                     appreciated. I give free piano lessons, do so much for free
                                                                                                     constantly taken for granted.

15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.--------------------------> Guilty

16. Letting others direct your life.----------------------> Done it in the past

17. Letting others describe your reality.-----------------------> Done it in the past

18. Letting others define you.--------------------------> Super Super Super Guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!

19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.-----------------> Done it in the past

20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.-------------------> IN tha past. Not anymore. I do not expect anything from
                                                                                               anybody now.

21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.-------------------> Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

22. Self-abuse.---------------> I do not understand it.

23. Food and chemical abuse.---------------------> Never

Guilty as charged. LOL I guess I have no boundaries. 

Thank you for the thread Lea, it is great!!!!

[Ami]

LOL Lupita
Self Abuse is treating yourself badly in any form, overeating, drinking too much, not respecting yourself
You have more courage than I do to answer that "quiz"
 I just gave myself a grade(C plus) and will leave it at that(lol)       Ami

[Leah]

Bless you (((((((( Lupita )))))))))))

for your openness, and honest heart, as always.

Likewise, I have "Guilty" areas to work on - this list helped me today, to see.

Worked on some to the good, but that said, I have some to work still, to do.

Love to you,

Leah

[Leah]

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

1. Telling all.

2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.

3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance. 

4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.

6. Acting on the first sexual impulse.

7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.

8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.

9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.

10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want.

12. Touching a person without asking.

13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.

14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.

15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

16. Letting others direct your life.

17. Letting others describe your reality.

18. Letting others define you.

19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.

20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.

21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

22. Self-abuse.

23. Food and chemical abuse.



Melody Beattie (1987) believes that setting limits (boundaries) is not an isolated process -- she writes as follows:

"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with.

Boundaries are rooted in our beliefs about what we deserve and what we don't deserve.

Boundaries originate from a deeper sense of our personal rights - especially the right we have to be ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves. 

Boundaries naturally flow from our conviction that what we want, need, like and dislike is important."


Personal limits are not about controlling, or changing, other people's behavior.  In fact, they're not about other people at all.

They're about you, and what you need to do to take care of yourself.


Love to all,

Leah

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=7027

[Juno]

I'm still doing a lot of these.  But I can recognize when they are occurring in me and in others.  That's a start I suppose?  If I am doing these things and at the same time a person I have met is also doing these things with me, no wonder it takes so long to "get over" that person.

I can recognize when someone I don't appreciate is doing these things with me.  It makes me angry and repulsed.  Then the problem is how to deal with this person (say, at work or if they happen to be my next door neighbors) when I can't avoid them.  It is very stressful.

I am at a very, very awkward stage with this knowlege of boundaries. 

1. Telling all:  showing improvement here

2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting:  never do this anymore

3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance:  never do this anymore

4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out:  nope, not anymore

5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied:  having problems with this one with the people I don't like

6. Acting on the first sexual impulse:  could have happened in the past, will never happen now

7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself:  good boundary on this one

8. Going against personal values or rights to please others:  still think I have to please others, don't know how to be tactful, I guess

9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries:  noticing this big time

10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries:  noticing it and hating it when it happens

11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want:  I get angry when someone attempts it

12. Touching a person without asking:  trying to be careful and remember which people don't like being touched

13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting:  almost never--hate it when I see others doing it

14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving:  not so much, but I know someone who does this

15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you:  nope, it makes me very angry

16. Letting others direct your life:  having trouble here

17. Letting others describe your reality:  hmmm, my self-doubts can still get triggered

18. Letting others define you:  having trouble here

19. Believing others can anticipate your needs:  I want people to do this

20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically:  I want people to do this

21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you:  I hate falling apart but I want to be taken care of

22. Self-abuse:  working on taking better care of myself, but it is hard in light of some of the above

23. Food and chemical abuse:  that's a rare one with me


bean's suggestions:

This is a good list and seems like a few may be missing that I've been guilty of, like

-not noticing when someone seems too good to be true until its too late:  I'm almost too good at recognizing these people, nobody believes me when I try to point it out

-taking on someone else's fear, anxiety, anger...:  I think I am still somewhat absorbent

-doing battle for another:  have gotten some trouble for doing this and still struggle with it

-expecting others to empathize with my anger - a lot of the time:  yep, me too

-letting emotions get the best of me at work:  all the time, a real struggle with this one

-not seeing red flags, or seeing red flags and believing I can "handle it" when I really should just walk away:  sometimes walk away too late, then it gets complicated

-expecting someone to rescue me, or solve my problem:  yep, still wish for this


Yes, a very awkward time in my life....

[Leah]

I would add to the list:

>  The False Consensus Effect:   being in error when assuming that others think the same way as oneself.  Therefore, failing to acknowledge just how devious others can be and suffering as a consequence.


Leah x