Feeling two-faced-- I need some perspective

[Chamomile]

Well, I've been talking to my aunt and a couple of people who are close to me about how I think my mom has NPD.  trying to finally put things into perspective.  These people have been supportive and validating.  I've been feeling really angry at my mom remembering how we were raised, and about her leaving my dad for his friend, and abandoning me as a baby.  Also my brother seems ot be falling into the role of Somatic NPD and has been serially cheating on my SIL and they are now getting a divorce.  My brother is acting so evil, and I do blame my mom.  I know she blames my dad, but my brother was always fine and acted great as a boy around my dad, it was when we were at mom's house that he started acting like a little devil.  My dad is pretty normal, mom's the sweet-n-sour N.

So I hadn't talked to my mom in over a month.  Today she called me and I felt SO NERVOUS and shaky as I answered the phone.  I acted liking everything was fine and I had no problem with her.  How could I?  I just fall back into my old ways of interacting with her.  and then feel like I'm being untrue to myself.  But she is so sweet and demure with me now-- it's like, what I ALWAYS craved my whole childhood-- her approval, for her to show ME that sweet side-- and now I finally have it, and it makes me feel like a whore-- well, I am one of her main sources of N supply right now, since she has no friends, and I am one of her only successful offspring.  I just cannot be honest with her about how I feel (mad, critical, dissaproving, abused) or what I really think (brother and SIL's issues are her fault, and she's wrong about my dad, and-- worst of all-- I realize now that I should have picked my dad in the custody battle when I had the chance, instead of refusing to choose sides).

Well, so I did pick up the phone, and acted normal as possible, if not as warm as usual, and we talked briefly about my brother's marriage that is unraveling and she sighed and asked "well, what can I do?  I've done all I can, you know?"  and I was like, "yeah", but inside I know that all of this is because she really destroyed his soul when he was a child.

And yet that voice on the phone is so sweet and vulnerable and fragile and well--intentioned . . . .

This is so confusing.  Why do I feel like the b!tch here?

My stomach is all tied in knots.  Help.

[darren]

Well, I've been talking to my aunt and a couple of people who are close to me about how I think my mom has NPD.  trying to finally put things into perspective.  These people have been supportive and validating.  I've been feeling really angry at my mom remembering how we were raised, and about her leaving my dad for his friend, and abandoning me as a baby.  Also my brother seems ot be falling into the role of Somatic NPD and has been serially cheating on my SIL and they are now getting a divorce.  My brother is acting so evil, and I do blame my mom.  I know she blames my dad, but my brother was always fine and acted great as a boy around my dad, it was when we were at mom's house that he started acting like a little devil.  My dad is pretty normal, mom's the sweet-n-sour N.

So I hadn't talked to my mom in over a month.  Today she called me and I felt SO NERVOUS and shaky as I answered the phone.  I acted liking everything was fine and I had no problem with her.  How could I?  I just fall back into my old ways of interacting with her.  and then feel like I'm being untrue to myself.  But she is so sweet and demure with me now-- it's like, what I ALWAYS craved my whole childhood-- her approval, for her to show ME that sweet side-- and now I finally have it, and it makes me feel like a whore-- well, I am one of her main sources of N supply right now, since she has no friends, and I am one of her only successful offspring.  I just cannot be honest with her about how I feel (mad, critical, dissaproving, abused) or what I really think (brother and SIL's issues are her fault, and she's wrong about my dad, and-- worst of all-- I realize now that I should have picked my dad in the custody battle when I had the chance, instead of refusing to choose sides).

Well, so I did pick up the phone, and acted normal as possible, if not as warm as usual, and we talked briefly about my brother's marriage that is unraveling and she sighed and asked "well, what can I do?  I've done all I can, you know?"  and I was like, "yeah", but inside I know that all of this is because she really destroyed his soul when he was a child.

And yet that voice on the phone is so sweet and vulnerable and fragile and well--intentioned . . . .

This is so confusing.  Why do I feel like the b!tch here?

My stomach is all tied in knots.  Help.

I don't think you sound two-faced, and I don't think it sounds like you are acting like a bitch at all.  To me it sounds like you're reacting quite normally for the situation, at least thats how I would behave.  I always got confused and didn't know how to act in my situation, but that always had more to do with the other person. 

[gratitude28]

Cham,
I am SOOOOOOO glad you wrote this.
My NM came to visit recently. We had three days of pins and needles and barbs and the normal N stuff. Then on the last two days, I actually was relaxed around her. She wasn't as mean as usual and she seemed to be trying to be normal with the kids and such. I felt sooooo bitchy for being so irritated with her, and for being on the lookout for her to be mean.
But... after a few times calling, we are back to almost normal. She doesn't even remember I exist unless someone reminds her. I haven't heard from my parents in about two weeks. It amazes me when I know my friends' parents call just to see what is up with the grandkids and such.
You are not making it up. You are not the one being bitchy. I can guarantee you will be on here in a month or in a few months and you will be telling us about something new sh has done to be cruel, intentionally or now.
Lots of love,
Beth

[seasons]

Chamomille,

Thank you for sharing this phone call exchange. It resonated with me because I've also had them many times, too many.

I'm in the process of going NC or very brief contact with one of my N sisters.
One of my issues I have battled with is feeling like a fraud. Like I am blind siding her because I have always been a very compliant supply for her.
She has know idea who she is!
My pain is for me alone to know, nothing I could share with her. Impossible imo with an N.

When she is being good. I don't feel happy because I am still carring all the wounds from the last time she took away my existence. Knowing she will attack again.

They are not real. What we have to do is go into survival mode, imo again. It is such a frustrating, lonely dance.

I'm am so happy for you that you are being validated by your aunt and friends. That is such a gift towards healing.

((hugs)) seasons

[Ami]

Dear Chamomille
 You are having "normal" reactions to an abnormal life experience, it seems to me.Trust yourself is what I would say. Trust your heart and your reactions.
 Don't blame yourself or punish yourself for the reactions that anyone would have.                 Love to you,   Ami

[Chamomile]

Thank you.    I am so scared of her finding out what I've been saying behind her back-- even though I try to be fairly decent and considerate in what I write-- but I'm scared that someone will forward her one of my emails or that she'll find this message board or something like that.  I don't think any of that is very likely, but it scares me.  I don't even know why, but it scares the heck out of me!!!

[Gaining Strength]

I just fall back into my old ways of interacting with her.  and then feel like I'm being untrue to myself.  But she is so sweet and demure with me now-- it's like, what I ALWAYS craved my whole childhood-- her approval, for her to show ME that sweet side-- and now I finally have it, and it makes me feel like a whore-- well, I am one of her main sources of N supply right now, since she has no friends, and I am one of her only successful offspring.  I just cannot be honest with her about how I feel (mad, critical, dissapproving, abused)

This excerpt in particular but your whole post in general, could be boilerplate description of the basic emotional life of an adult child of a narcissist.  It is the craziness of the unconscious blackmail (be N supply or lose everything) that keeps us tied in.  When we were children that everything included things that our lives depended on like food, shelter, love.  We are essentially stuck in that infantile need or fear of loss with them.  Hard to move on when the parent who should have guided us did the opposite.