Lise,
You wrote, "...I can use the situation with my mom to practice being more gentle...now that's and idea!"
You are a gentle spirit, aren't you? Yes, a great reminder that you can be assertive without being aggressive.
I work in the "sales" field and so "influence" and "selling" are big daily things for me. There is a sales guru named Herb Cohen and his big thing was having the attitude of, "I care - but not that much!" really increased his ability to influence others. In other words, let them know you're willing to walk away, although you would rather stay - but it's up to them. You know?
This is great boundary practice.
Whether a person is your mom or not does not give them an excuse to be bad to you. Although, every mom needs a little leeway here and there, I know I do!
And - your mom does at least seem to TRY to express herself - however ineffectuall and hurtful she is. She's letting you know she wants IN - to your head and your heart. I don't know her intentions, but she wants to be closer to you and doesn't want to be shut out. That much is clear. But everyone should know that it is a privilige to be inside the head of someone as caring and loving as you. Unless they are respectful and grateful and caring in return, keep that door LATCHED!
Dandylife