I think I am slipping into depression

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 `I have just gotten in touch with deep pain and feel so much better, I think that is the way to go, in healing. I was having stomach problems b/c I felt like I had to lose myself in order to get  love from people. I am amazed at how I was replaying childhood trauma , again and again.
 I am going to find a therapist who will let me heal repressed memories ,in the unconscious. That is where my next level of healing will come. I pass this along for your  consideration.   Love   Ami


(((((((((((Kelly)))))))

[Iphi]

(((Kelly))) You've gotten such good insightful advice here, I can't add anything except that you are doing so much and you are such a loving mom (getting essentials for the kids condo!) and you must be also so stressed about your dad.   You are a love and there are a million things going on at once in your life.  How about some slow down time?  And the lap band is a work in progress - I work with someone who had it and her daughter too and their lives are totally changed - but it took time.

[Overcomer]

Wow thanks all-especially Deb!  I realized after reading these threads that I HAVE been through a whole lot of stress-you know that stress test where you get points for what you have gone through and the higher the points the more stress you are feeling?  Death.  Move.  Surgery.  Loss of a job.  D married and then pregnant.  Another surgery.  A new business.  Change at work.  Ill health!  Etc.  I think I have hit the wall.  Everything has accumulated and I agree I need TIME-SPACE-QUIET!  thanks!

[Overcomer]

My dad looks like Santa.  He wears Nebraska attire every single day of his life.  He loves sports and will talk sports with anyone who will listen.  He is the line of guy who talks to people on elevators.  My mom emasculated him long ago making financial decisions without his knowledge and says it is her money since she made it-not a thought that he supported HER while she was in college and making her fortune-now suddenly it is HERS?  everyone loves my dad!  My mom should have spent more time!

[lighter]

(((Kelly)))

You're a good mama..... I'm sure your daughter'll appreciate the toilet paper and condiments more than you know.

As for feeling trapped with your job, husband..... mother.....

you are trapped.

You have good reason to feel sad and you know what speaking truthfully, to either of them, will get you.

Your father's failing health is is hitting you really hard, bc you're human and a loving child.

Dealing with that normal stress, while emotionally and physically exhausted from your mother and husband..... just makes it more difficult.

(((Kelly)))  Cry really hard, if you can... maybe in the shower.  Sink into the sadness and loss then spend some time thinking about what you need to do and say with your father before he passes.

Do you need to write a letter?  Is there someplace you want to take him.... back to the house you grew up in?  To the sea?

Do you need to tell him something that's been hard to say, til now?

Don't lose that opportunity bc you're being sabotaged by M and H.... disengage from those negative emotions, the best you can.

You're a good person, with more stress on her than most.

Deal with your father, then turn to your mother and husband. 

You have choices. 

lighter

 

[Ami]

Thinking of you, Kelly. You are a decent, kind ,loving person. Your M is the one with the problems she has tried to "throw" on you.
 Our "job",now , is to throw off that heavy burden .
 It is hard to let go of old messages, which SEEM so true, so not able to be questioned.They are deep in our cells . My stomach carries  the pain my M put on me.
 Your weight issue, I bet, is a reaction to your M's burdens on you.
 I am making progress with my stomach.  We need to find the essential "us" with it's own integrity and beauty, not marred by our NM's. I am so sorry to hear about your F, Kelly.       Love    Ami

((((((((Kelly)))

[Overcomer]

As I am thinking about it my mom is losing her power over me.  As you all have pointed out I am overwhelmed by stress right now.  My mom is the scapegoat for me.  Not that she is not a crazy making woman-she is!  My hopes are that she goes for my new business and she will be less and less present at the store.  I need to take a time out VERY soon!  Even if it is a couple days to lay down and read books and do Nothing!  I would like to go to a hotel and VEG!  My dad has a family reunion in June.

[Overcomer]

And it is my parents 50th Wedding anniversary plus my d will have her baby.  He needs to live for these things.  He wanted to go to Hawaii for their 50th but for some reason my mom just would not or did not make those arrangements.  I cannot for the life of me figure out why she did not do it-unless she is losing it enough that it was too overwhelming to heh!

[Certain Hope]

More hugs ((((((((Kelly))))))) ... just caught up with reading here and - well, Deb's post is so awesome and true! I agree!!

  My prayer for you is that you'll continue to remember all that you've accomplished so far by God's grace and not give in to the negative thinking patterns.
And I'll be holding your Dad in prayer, too... that he'll get a restoration and renewal - - a new spark of life - - and great encouragement in the Lord for the road ahead.

Love,
Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Thank you all for giving me perspective-it has REALLY helped.  Where I thought I was sliding down that slippery slope you all caught me and showed me that I could stop myself with a bubble bath and some much needed down time-now just to find that time.  My mom is going to go on the business trip that I was going to go on.  I am going to try to give myself a break this week.

[Leah]

(((((( Kelly )))))))

Please know that you are in my prayers, and also, your whole family.

Take gentle care of you,

Love Leah

[Ami]

Thinking of you, ((((((((((Kelly))))))))))      Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

WELCOME TO KELLY WEEK!!

This week is for stopping, an hour twice a day, morning (even if you get up earlier) and evening, to:

honor yourself and love yourself and be affectionate and compassionate to yourself.
If you need to cry, let 'er rip...you'll feel better afterward
If you need to sleep, unplug ALL the phones, hang a DO NOT DISTURB, EXHAUSTED WOMAN SLEEPING sign on your door and curl up with a comforting book and drift off under your coziest light blanket
If you need to eat, eat slowly, peacefully (there will always be more you can have next time)
Delegate: anything that you don't absolutely have to do yourself, leave a note: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES, THIS IS MY WEEK OF REST. Kitchen, laundry, etc. Your autistic daughter can understand too. So can your hubby. Don't offer them a choice.
No makeup. Just Kelly the way she was born, peaceful and content in her own skin. Napping, listening to birds.

Stuff like that...can you? Make up your own. Whatever you KNOW is "being good to yoursefl".

Deb's post was so wise and kind. Just amazingly wonderful, and an honor to read.

love
Hops

[towrite]

(((((((((Kelly))))))))  That's a lot to bear for anyone.

love, towrite

[Overcomer]

Death.  Two surgeries.  A move.  The loss of a job.  Working with my mom.  A hormonal autistic 13 year old.  D married.  D pregnant.  H lost job.  Dad's health.  MY health.

So today all it took was ONE conversation with my mom to put more anxiety in my life.  She told me SHE felt kicked to the curb.  This is the first time my mom has ever played the martyr.  Maybe that is because she lost her control over me and the way to try to get it back is to play the guilt card.

I told her I just could not leave my d home alone all summer with the new pool.  Her response was Can't you get a babysitter?  No, mom I am just not going to come in.  We are going to pay me if I work at home and am a responsible parent!!

One conversation.  Just one.  Enough to set me back a couple of days!!