Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
overreaction, or not?
flower:
((((((((tigerlily))))))))
Thinking of you...
tigerlily:
Well, it's been a week since my mother died. I have been waiting to react in some way, but, so far, all I feel is a sense of relief and a quiet sadness that this is the end of the story. I still feel (emotionally) like it could have "been fixed" so that we could have had a normal relationship, even though (intellectually) I know that could never happen. And now I am realizing that I spent so very much of my time thinking about things in terms of her- how it would affect her, what she would need, how I could live my life around her needs, etc. etc. etc. I am feeling very weird because I did that for so long that I didn't even realize I was doing it, and now,for the first time, I have my life to myself. And I almost don't know how to act. It is REALLY weird.
However, something really nice has happened. All of the people (like aunts and uncles) who I know my mother biased against me are all dead. I used to hate the thought of going back to my home town because I always lived in her shadow and I always felt not quite accepted by them because of the things she used to tell them about me to make herself shine instead of anyone who could take the spotlight away from her. But now, when I made plans to have a memorial service for her in my hometown in a month's time, I heard from all my cousins who didn't get that bias from her, and, in fact understand what I went through because some of them had a similar experience with their mother (my mother's sister.) They have been so supportive of me and have validated my feelings so much and want to all get together while I'm there so that we can all reconnect and share the fun memories we had together as children. This is the first time I am actually looking forward to going home because I am being treated like a peer and as a valuable person in the family. It is mind boggling.
I will keep you posted in what it's like to go through the death of an nparent because I'm sure you have conflicting feelings about it too. When it actually happens, it is different than what you expect. At least, so far, it is for me.
Moonflower:
........
Anonymous:
Dear Tigerlily,
Hugs to you.
Mourn your losses, all of them. I'm so heartened to hear that your cousins and you are connecting in a healing way. That's so great.
Peace, Seeker
Discounted Girl:
Sounds like you are handling this quite well tigerlily -- I am sorry for whatever sadness you are experiencing. More than likely, instead of mourning the loss of her, you are mourning the loss of all the time, the moments, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years that you wasted trying to please the unpleaseable; trying to be loved by someone who would not love you -- that is what you must bury -- it's over and it ain't comin' back. I find it interesting in the slant you now have on returning home and being with your non-toxic cousins and others. That would feel very good -- it must feel like what the normal family feels, without having to watch your back and second-guess yourself every second. Good luck to you -- I feel like you will be taking giant leaps in levels of comfort and peace now. :)
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