overreaction, or not?

[Anonymous]

Your experiences break my heart.  I am married to an N.  She has been fully exposed I can relate to your stories.  For many years she would get me to do her punishing.  It took me too long to catch on to what was really going on.   When I started to refuse to let her manipulate me like that she raged and attacked me (emotionally and verbally - she only struck me twice).   I am trying to get the marriage ended now.  Have apologized to my adult kids.  I continue to learn about the abuse she dished out to them.  It hurts to know it was happening right under my nose.  I thought she was just abusing me. duh  

[Max]

That last post was from Max.  I had logged in - not sure why it didn't show.

[flower]

Hi Tigerlilly,

I think your mom was incredibly mean and heartless to not inform you right away about your dad's condition.

[Anonymous]

Hi Max,

Your daughters are incredibly blessed to have a dad that believes them.  I think you said before that you have two daughters.

I wish I was so blessed.

Psalm 27

[flower]

That last post was from me.  -- guess it's the logout gremlin  

[phoenix]

bye

[tigerlily]

Wow!  When I first posted on this subject I had no idea that I would hear from so many who have had similar experiences and feelings so close to mine.  While I am so sorry you had to live through those things too I no longer feel so isolated in thinking I was the only one who had gone through this stuff.  For so many years I would never talk about these things because, first, I guess I wasn't even aware that a lot of it was bothering me so much (being used to burying my feelings because I wasn't "entitled" to them), and second, I always thought I had brought it on myself because I had been conditioned to think so by my Nmother. It was lonely being brought up as an only child, but it was even lonelier not having anyone to talk to about my feelings and put things in perspective.  
Someone mentioned remembering the look of rage on their mother's face during beatings and screaming bouts.  That really stands out in my mind too.  I look at my little six year old granddaughter now and see that sweet little face and wonder how the hell anyone could hurt a little child.  How could my mother say she loved me and then beat the hell out of me?  I was that little, and yet she was able to do that and not have any regret.  Unbelievable.  
I remember at my dad's funeral my mother was unbelievably poised.  She acted like she was hostessing a party.  She was greeting everyone and having sparkling conversations - I guess she was enjoying all the attention she was getting.  I was amazed at the time how she kept it all together, but that was before I realized she was a narcissistic personality and fed on situations like that.  
The more I look back now the more everything she did makes sense because it all fits in with the traits a narcissistic person.  It's a lot to assimilate.  
Now that I am no longer willing to continue this crap of feeding into her sickness I am realizing how much I have continually put myself last by trying to take care of everyone else's needs before mine.  I almost don't know how to start taking care of myself because it is always in the back of my head that I am not important enough to do that.  I feel like a shell of a person because I was so conditioned to think that way that I don't even know if there is a person in me to take care of.  I never developed that part of myself.  How does one even start?  It's like trying to go back to a child development phase that a parent should have helped me go through, but, now I have to do it all by myself and I am floundering.  Does any of that make sense?

[tigerlily]

Oh my God, I am SO embarrassed!  One of you said that it is possible to cut oneself off from the Nparent, but when they pull other people into it when they can't get to you, it is very difficult. My mother just called me and told me she wants to ask a cousin of mine ( that she is not all that close to) to give her three thousand dollars so she can get a new hearing aid.  She said that he has a lot of money, so why not?  This is after I told her she didn't need another set.  She already has one set and I bought her another set not too long ago.  She doesn't like the new ones because of the way the adjustment button turns, or something.  I told her to have the employees at the home to help her put them on in the morning, but she doesn't want anyone touching them.  She does this with everything I provide for her.  I  bought her a total of five pairs of shoes recently, and she won't wear any of them because she finds something wrong with every one.   When I refused to get any more she tried to get someone there to go out on their own time to buy for her.  And she makes it look like I am not providing for her and that I have no time for her to do these things.
I just sat down and e mailed all the relatives to let them be aware that her judgment is bad now so if she makes a request of them they should run it by me.  At least I am nipping this in the bud without having to confront her directly and give her that satisfaction of knowing she embarrassed me. Damnation!!!

[Anonymous]

At least I am nipping this in the bud without having to confront her directly and give her that satisfaction of knowing she embarrassed me. Damnation!!!

Tigerlily,

First, good idea to notify the relatives about your mother's poor judgment. Second, how did your mother embarrass you? I'm not seeing how you look bad here.

bunny

[Anonymous]

It's like trying to go back to a child development phase that a parent should have helped me go through, but, now I have to do it all by myself and I am floundering.  Does any of that make sense?

It not only makes sense, you have hit the nail on the head.   But you don't have to do it by yourself. Do you have a therapist? You deserve that kind of support with your mother draining you so much.

bunny

[tigerlily]

It embarrasses me because I have to write such an email in the first place.  I know a couple of them will understand, but some of the others who only know her sweet little old lady side (and who have heard her very subtley trash me over the years) may think I am putting HER in a bad light.
As for therapy, I really can't afford it right now.  I am determined to work through this though.

[phoenix]

bye

[Anonymous]

It embarrasses me because I have to write such an email in the first place.  I know a couple of them will understand, but some of the others who only know her sweet little old lady side (and who have heard her very subtly trash me over the years) may think I am putting HER in a bad light.

I see. Well, whoever thinks you're putting her in a bad light is stupid. Obviously you're just being practical. They should feel sorry for YOU having to deal with a difficult, possibly demented old woman.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Bunny,

Have to agree with you.  However, I can add my mother's story to tigerlily's.  My mother took care of her Nstep-mother for years without a thank you or any kind of appreciation.  just request after request. This involved numerous trips to doctors 45 minutes away on a weekly basis, grocery and laundry errands, dinners at our house.  She was a pill.  

The Stupid People: My mother spilled her guts to the pastor who replied that Stepmom told him numerous times how won-der-ful my mom was to do all this for her (to look good to Pastor).  Never a word to my mother. My mother said, she doesn't say it to me.  Then after she died, Stepmom's best friend had the gall to call my mother up and dress her down for treating her so shabbily!  "What's wrong with you?  Why were you so mean to her?"  My mother, who never argues, finally found her voice.  "There were TWO people, the public X and the private X.  I knew BOTH!  So mind your own business!!"  

Wow.  I was so proud of her when I heard that story.  But it really hurt her to know that here she was bending over backward and not getting anything in return except the ol' character assassination.  I hate that.  It was pretty awful.  Fortunately Stepmom's sister was around to validate my mother's perceptions.  So the bottom line is, some adult children do the noble thing and get dumped on in front of family members, as is Tigerlily.

What do these weirdos really want?  Not peace, not love.  Drama.  

Seeker

[OnlyMe]

I am an 'only'child as well, and am nearly at the end of my rope dealing with my senior Nmother and all her manipulations.  I have just discovered this chat group, and this is my first chat experience, so please bear with me.  Like many of you, I have never really been free to tell The Truth.   This is a huge leap, just to put this in writing.