Life terrors

[spyralle]

I am starting another thread because i think all the things I am about to post have been triggered y this job.  I'm not sure and I don't really know what I mean but I need help else I am going to just go mad or do something even worse.  I hate myself..  There I've said it I HATE MYSELF!!!!!..  I can't bear to look in the mirror.  I feel like I am getting old every time I look at myself I seem to age my job and the senior people in it have made me voiceless again.  They talked over me and laughed and sniggered at me when I tried to be ethical and now I have walked and I have absolutely nothing..  No self esteem, no reference

at the same time I've been going out with a guy for the past six months.  He's handsome kind and soft but he's eight years younger than me.  I AM TERRIFIED HE WILL LEAVE ME BECAUSE I AM UGLY OR OLD OR BOTH..  I keep looking at my skin and comparing it to his and measuring out the time when it'll be too much for him and he will go.  He of course looks a lot younger than he is which makes it 100 times worse.. 

I'm tired of feeling like this and i feel like I'm giving up on everything..  I don't have ay more fight in me... 

And now I feel pathetic for posting this and like I am just wallowing in self pity

sorry

Spyralle

[Iphi]

((((spyralle!))))  Not at all pathetic!  You've had a hard knock at your most recent job, though it sounds like you are well out of it.  I have an appointment in just a few short minutes and can't post at length as I desire to, but huge hugs to you for now  (((spyralle)

[Overcomer]

It is the same thing I felt when I had had it and applied as a waitress at a new restaurant...I believe I was the brunt of their jokes after I left.  Then i thought, "hey, what are you thinking?  I could run this place with a blindfold on......plus I could give better service than ANY of the kids.

You stay young in your mind Spy and this guy will not leave you - if you are young at heart.  But I know what you mean....suddenly I feel too old and not marketable..

[Sela]

Dear (((((((((((Spy))))))))))

Lot's of people feel beaten down and self-loathing, I think, sometimes.  It's truly like a big slippery slide where one thing goes wrong which makes the next thing seem worse and leads to a whole downward thinking process that gets one feeling quite out of strength and hope and even the will to go on weakens.   Just so you know you're not alone or the only one who has ever been where you are.  You're not alone Spy.



The good news is........there is a way out!  It might sound unlikely but there is.   It's the best way to get past all of this........starting with today.


Please decide you have been mistaken in your thinking!   Please decide not to agree with yourself or allow yourself to think that you are old or pathetic or wallowing in self-pity or that all is lost or that you are voiceless.  These thoughts are not helping and you said you need help.


Please make up your mind to think helpful thoughts and to reject the way you've been thinking this past while. Please choose to say to yourself:

"I am in charge of what I think".
"I'm going to think good thoughts today".(or for the rest of today).
"I'm still very young at heart and have much to offer an employer".
"I will only think stuff that helps me".
"I will find a better job and a nicer place to live".
"I will be much better off than I have been".
"Thinking good stuff helps me".
"I have a voice and I will use it".
"I will take care of myself and enjoy my life".
ETC.


You have to make up your mind, Spy.   No one else can fix this.  You control your own thoughts (as we each do) and though most people can relate and many have been exactly where you are.......

It's not helping, right?
This way of thinking, so far, is not helping you to feel better, is it?


I betcha making this one decision......the decision to think good things from now on (as much as possible)....can and will make a big difference in the way you feel about yourself and your life.  And before you know it......good things will be happening and this will all be just one of those bad memories that can be filed away in the bad memory department.

But you have to be the one to put a stop to the old, nasty tapes that are playing and you have to replace them with new, helpful, much nicer tapes.   You have the power Spy!!


I hope this helps.  Really I do.  I know it's not easy but it is doable.  Please give it a go.

(((((((((((((((Spy))))))))))))))))

Sela

[sKePTiKal]

Spy - I second Sela's suggestions - it works for me! Just wanted to add - there is no prize for "getting it totally right"... and no one "right" place to be with this... I just practice, remind myself, over & over, and if I mess up and start back to old mental habits - just tell myself, it's OK, I'm new at this... I'll do better the next time. Nothing BAD will happen if it takes a while for this to work... just keep practicing. And then one day, I realized it really WAS working...

Sela - I love the way you've written this... it's so clear, easy, and do-able...

[Certain Hope]

Dear Spyralle,

Just a note to say that you don't sound a bit pathetic to me. In fact, I admire you for being able and willing to talk about this stuff that's been wearing on you.
To me, that takes alot of courage... and humility.

And I love Sela's post, too... so practical and simple to implement. Like I keep reminding myself, this retraining of the thinking patterns takes time and lots of practice, and every bit helps. You'll see... each little slump really will be not quite so far down and much shorter lived.

Oh, and about the guy thing... My husband is 7 years younger than I,  and so I'm quite familiar with the process of making comparisons. What a waste of time and energy! Besides - - - honestly, it all evens out soon enough...  Just think, when you're both in your 60's, whose gonna care about a few years? I had a hard time with it when he was still in his 30's and I was mid-40's, but that was just a freak of digits... LOL.  Anyhow....  aww... really, it's all so relative... and so meaningless. Alot of that superficial stuff just vanishes in the light of the real stuff of love and commitment... and YOU, I believe, have that real stuff. I am sure that's what he sees.

With love,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

I am starting another thread because i think all the things I am about to post have been triggered y this job.  I'm not sure and I don't really know what I mean but I need help else I am going to just go mad or do something even worse.  I hate myself..  There I've said it I HATE MYSELF!!!!!..  I can't bear to look in the mirror.  I feel like I am getting old every time I look at myself I seem to age my job and the senior people in it have made me voiceless again.  They talked over me and laughed and sniggered at me when I tried to be ethical and now I have walked and I have absolutely nothing..  No self esteem, no reference

at the same time I've been going out with a guy for the past six months.  He's handsome kind and soft but he's eight years younger than me.  I AM TERRIFIED HE WILL LEAVE ME BECAUSE I AM UGLY OR OLD OR BOTH..  I keep looking at my skin and comparing it to his and measuring out the time when it'll be too much for him and he will go.  He of course looks a lot younger than he is which makes it 100 times worse.. 

I'm tired of feeling like this and i feel like I'm giving up on everything..  I don't have ay more fight in me... 

And now I feel pathetic for posting this and like I am just wallowing in self pity

sorry

Spyralle

It is your genuine voice talking but I hear also perhaps the voice of your parents, were they critical of you?

It sounds like you have good moral character and the N's you work with can never stand that, right?

When someone good comes along to an N it threatens them, their projection defenses and dissimulation kick in.

"This example also illustrates how a narcissist deals with unwanted awareness of her moral turpitude. Whenever her efforts to keep knowledge of it repressed fail and it surfaces to consciousness on her, she just tells herself, "No, I'm not like that...SHE is!" projecting that fault or failing off onto the nearest target. You might say that this is how she cleanses herself of sin — by smearing it off on someone else." 


This stuff can really tear us down and then we begin to tear ourselves down.  N's tweak our self hatred, if we have any. But you can bet that if you are hanging out with N's too much in your life then you perhaps are a LV who is still unconsciously attracting the toxic air in your life because it is so familiar.

But then again, N's are everywhere and sometimes we just fall prey, who knows.

Anyway...This past year the N in my life took so much from me, including my looks, I deteriorated out of my own self-hatred that was tweaked by the covert bully in my life but the present is just an acting out of my childhood; the real bully in my life was and is my mom.

But I am determined to get my beauty back, beauty is really on the inside, a loving heart can never grow old and never dissapear.

(((((((((((((Lise )))))))))))))

 ((((((((((((((((Spyralle))))))))))))))


http://www.kickbully.com/main.html

[spyralle]

Sela - You know you always are able to make me stop and think with your simplicity..  Yesterday when I was driving to work to confront her I was chanting all the stuff you told me.  The same stuff you taught me when I very first came here when Nbf left and stole all my money and self worth.  Thank you for reminding me that I have innate strength x

and that's the beauty of coming here.  It's a constant.. I have grown up in a world of unpredictability.  the consistent message I get here has taught me so much.

Certain Hope - I am so glad to hear that it can work.  I am exactly where you were 45 and he is 38....  It sounds so scary when you say it out loud.  That's why I'm monitoring every wrinkle etc....  People say being with someone younger keeps you young.  I think that must be if you don't feel rubbish about yourself in the first place....

Thank you all of you for getting me through yesterday

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxx

[Gaining Strength]

I love Sela's post.  Add to it:  I look better than I feel.  and He enjoys being with me.

Stress can dehydrate and accentuate the aging of the skin.  Check Hops energy thread, there are some great anti-stress supplements which can really healp.

You are amazing!  Who wouldn't want to be with someone of such character strength!!!  I am so proud for you and proud of you.

All my best - GS

[Hopalong]

Hi Spy,
How did it go yesterday?
Was it as bad as you expected?
How do you feel now?

As to guys...hoo boy. I am just-58 and have begun a (something) with a man who's 46. Rather than making me feel older, I feel suddenly mysterious, elegant, womanly. His responses are lovely.

You have decades and decades of dazzle left in you. And I have a little tale (I kid you not):

Last week at the nursing home, I was wheeling Mom (97, paralysed arm, no hairdo for weeks) down the hall. A little old man in his own chair got in our way intentionally just to banter with her a bit. As we moved on he said to me (no BSing, he meant it): Your mother is a beautiful woman. Mom still reels in male attention and gives off the vibes of "I'm a woman and proud of it".

So don't you fear, dear. There will be men who'll trace wrinkles with wonder and lose their fingers in your white hair and listen to you speaking as though you're wise, and you'll realize you ARE wonderful, sensuous, and full of the richness of experience to share.

The right kind of guy can appreciate that. The shallow ones are too boring to mess with anyway.

love
Hops