Breakdown...

[darren]

I apologize in advance because I'm not in a very good mood, and the last
thing I want to do is be a downer.  I don't know if expressing how I"m
feeling is a good thing and getting in touch with my emotions, or if I'm
just giving in to self pity.  Its hard to know which is right.

Most of the time I don't really feel anything at all.  I'm just numb,
and I'm used to it.  But apparantly I don't handle stress very well, and
when emotions start coming out I handle them badly.  I got stressed
yesterday, and when that happens I just seem to fall apart.  It makes me
feel as though life just isn't worth all this trouble, and I'd just like
to give up.  I've had rare moments before like this, and generally there
are people around me who care too much, and I care too much about, to
put them through something so horrible.  So its not really an option,
but the feelings remain nonetheless.  In a way I suppose I carry on not
for any reasons... just obligations. 

So I did something rare and I shared these thoughs with my current
partner which I'd usually keep to myself.  She's comforting,
understanding, and tells me everything will be okay but I'm not sure I
believe it at the moment. 

Everyonce in a while I stop daydreaming and I take a look around and
realize how different I am from everybody else.  They are talking, and
sharing, and enjoying each others company.  They laugh, and play, and
even cry together.  Everybody seems to be having a good time, at least,
the general public.  Even when they are sad they do it together. 

I feel so distant and very far away from those things.  I never laugh,
never talk, and never have a good time.  I've been that way for so long
that I even keep forgetting how bad its really gotten.  I'm in bad bad,
shape. 

It seems that that last relationship zapped what humanity was left in
me.  There were parts in me that cared about a few people and the world,
but maybe that last relationship has damaged what was still functioning. 

Sometimes it bothers me a great deal, but at least thats rare.  Maybe
its a good thing, shifting from something schioid to something avoidant.
But I just can't talk and share with people, not like everybody else
does.  Its different.  I speak whats on my mind and then I walk away.  I
can't hold conversations with people, even online.  And its not anxiety,
or shyness... its not that I lack social skills. 

People always ask me if I'm okay, even when I am.  They tell me hello
and ask me how I'm doing.  I don't even know how to answer that.  I just
lie and say everything fine, but really, I don't have a clue as to what
I am or what I'm feeling.  Small talk seems so strange and foreign to
me.  I suppose the majority of the time I don't appreciate people or
enjoy them, and I guess when I do I start feeling left out. 

Anyways, sorry for the rant.  Getting it out on paper seems to help.  I
appreciate that people take the time to offer me support even though I'm
really bad at offering friendship in return.

I read something recently that says I feel the way I do because the amount of hurtful feelings exceeds my abilities to cope.  I'm pretty sure that it wont always be the case.

[sKePTiKal]

I read something recently that says I feel the way I do because the amount of hurtful feelings exceeds my abilities to cope.  I'm pretty sure that it wont always be the case.

Darren: I'm sorry you're feeling this way... but I think that expressing those feelings - writing, telling someone - is the beginning of how you can learn to cope.

You titled your post Breakdown - I see it as more progress that you are sharing this about yourself. It doesn't sound as if you like this very much. When I was in a similar state, I didn't like it much, either. But we are where we are - and are who we are - until we can change or do something about it... It's OK. You're getting there.

I went through a phase when people asked me, in greeting: How are you? that I would respond with something completely off the wall like: going crazy! Mad as hell & I'm not gonna take it anymore! Don't have a clue how I am today! It kinda felt good to make a pleasantry more real; to really tell people in response to that question just how I was... but of course, it put a lot of people off and they started to avoid me... (go figure!)  others would just laugh, like I was making a joke... it was a long while before I could feel comfortable just being polite, without wanting to make it something more than that.

[Gaining Strength]

Darren, I am wondering if you can trace these bad feelings back to their origins.  From my experience and from much that others here have shared that can be a very productive way of eradicating the terrible grip such painful emotions can have on our current life.

Yours - GS

[darren]

I read something recently that says I feel the way I do because the amount of hurtful feelings exceeds my abilities to cope.  I'm pretty sure that it wont always be the case.

Darren: I'm sorry you're feeling this way... but I think that expressing those feelings - writing, telling someone - is the beginning of how you can learn to cope.

You titled your post Breakdown - I see it as more progress that you are sharing this about yourself. It doesn't sound as if you like this very much. When I was in a similar state, I didn't like it much, either. But we are where we are - and are who we are - until we can change or do something about it... It's OK. You're getting there.

I went through a phase when people asked me, in greeting: How are you? that I would respond with something completely off the wall like: going crazy! Mad as hell & I'm not gonna take it anymore! Don't have a clue how I am today! It kinda felt good to make a pleasantry more real; to really tell people in response to that question just how I was... but of course, it put a lot of people off and they started to avoid me... (go figure!)  others would just laugh, like I was making a joke... it was a long while before I could feel comfortable just being polite, without wanting to make it something more than that.

You're right PhoenixRising, it does seem like a step in the right direction.  Feelings like this are something I'd usually keep inside and not share, especially to those around me.  Its also I sign I'm getting in touch with some emotions that usually seem so far away.  I think learning to experience them is best for me as opposed to avoiding them as I do now.  I suppose I really do want to be normal and get all better all at once and forget that its hard work and a long journey. 

I like your responses to people, that kinda sounds like something that would be in character for me.  I feel a bit fake talking to people nowadays and just telling them I fine... even a joke would be a more appropriate response.  I'm not so afraid of putting people off and having them avoid me, that happens anyways =)  I don't need people around who wont allow me to get a little crazy once in a while.  Its hard to strike a balance though.  I think if I shared everything it'd really freak people out and make them uncomfortable.

On another note,

Last night I opened up to my partner and told her I was starting to feel a bit... I don't know if suicidal is the word 'm looking for.  As the words came out my mouth I almost started to cry... I felt something start to well up inside.  Then, it just went away.  I know I cried a lot as a kid, and as a teen, but I don't anymore.  It kinda freaks me out.  I can get angry.  I can get anxious, but other emotions seem like a distant memory.  Anyways, I'm feeling a lot better today than I did last night... but not perfect.  It always seems I'm just feeling okay or like its the end of the world.

[darren]

Darren, I am wondering if you can trace these bad feelings back to their origins.  From my experience and from much that others here have shared that can be a very productive way of eradicating the terrible grip such painful emotions can have on our current life.

Yours - GS

Well, it has to do with landlord of the apartments.  They think I have too many cats, and I do.  I don't feel safe, and I feel like my privacy is being invaded, and I feel controlled which is something I don't like at all.  I seriously look at bums on the street and admire their life.  To be free of people, the government, attachments, and possessions.  I really don't care to eat out of dumpsters, but those other things are something my soul longs for sometimes.  I have a very strong feelings of wanting people out of my life and wanting to be left alone. 

Its hard to make connections to the past, but usually I just assume they are there.  I grew up with this kind of anxiety, and my father was the one who made me feel that way.  He was controlling, always invading my privacy, and I suppose often I was getting caught doing something I shouldn't have been doing.  It drives me up the wall. 

[Juno]

Darren, you are sharing here and you shared with your partner.  That is something.

You are not the only person who feels this way.  If I had my husband read your post he would agree word for word that he also feels that way all the time.  He and I have talked about things like this for many, many years now.  I guess I'm kind of different too in that I don't see him as particularly strange. 

Anyway, my husband has felt this way his entire life.  He always felt different from his brothers and sisters and parents, well his entire family.  He was always more of an observer and he did not like what he observed and kept his distance purposely.  His FOO was very chaotic and at times violent and it made no sense to him.  He didn't have any idea what should be in place of this chaos but he knew it wasn't right.

We, the two of us, don't really know what to do to fix such a thing.  He wants to be close to his family and he wants them to reach out to him because through all of it, he always felt that they really rejected him first.  He is just very hurt much of the time.  And he is also very quiet and not very emotional.  He doesn't think very highly of himself much of the time.  Regardless of facts.

I don't know how one goes about surviving a past like he had.  His maternal grandfather murdered his maternal grandmother and then killed himself.  He is described as a bastard by his daughters.  The paternal grandparents weren't much better off except they did not kill each other.  Some stuff you can't really recuperate from in one lifetime, in my opinion.

So, my husband and I muddle through.  But I just wanted to tell you that others are similar to you and they do have value and other people love them.  You have a partner who loves you.  You have value.  You are not the only one who has this situation.

In reference to PR's post--when people ask me how I am and I feel awful (which is often!) I will say, "Spectacular!"  I got that from the movie American Beauty when Janie's dad doesn't believe her day was just alright, so she says in a very condescending tone, "You're right, Dad, it was spectacular!"  When I say it, I use a very animated, fake happy tone.  People usually laugh, though I don't think they really get it.  If they tell me to have a good day, I often say, "I shall try!"

Aw, Darren, I just read your answer to GS.   My son shares some of your values, too.  Except he has experimented with the dumpster diving!!!!  I would say it would be nice if all you guys could meet,  but I bet it would be terribly awkward!  The very things you have in common are probably what would also keep you from connecting.  Unless you all met by accident somehow.  You know, no pressure?

You are somebody I would be able to get along with very well.

[Ami]

Dear Darren,
 I think you are acting "normally" based on your childhood , which forced you to twist and turn and shut down your emotions and reactions. Today, as an adult, you are playing with a 'deck" that is not stacked right to deal with current life issues.
 I can relate, of course, as I bet we all can.
 For me, the book Reclaiming your Life " by Jensen is showing me HOW, in a practical way, to heal by dealing directly with the suppressed emotions that are at the root of the current angst.
 I ,already, feel much better. Perhaps, this could be a direction for you, Darren.             Hugs   Ami

(((((((Darren))))))))

[darren]

Darren, you are sharing here and you shared with your partner.  That is something.

You are not the only person who feels this way.  If I had my husband read your post he would agree word for word that he also feels that way all the time.  He and I have talked about things like this for many, many years now.  I guess I'm kind of different too in that I don't see him as particularly strange. 

Anyway, my husband has felt this way his entire life.  He always felt different from his brothers and sisters and parents, well his entire family.  He was always more of an observer and he did not like what he observed and kept his distance purposely.  His FOO was very chaotic and at times violent and it made no sense to him.  He didn't have any idea what should be in place of this chaos but he knew it wasn't right.

We, the two of us, don't really know what to do to fix such a thing.  He wants to be close to his family and he wants them to reach out to him because through all of it, he always felt that they really rejected him first.  He is just very hurt much of the time.  And he is also very quiet and not very emotional.  He doesn't think very highly of himself much of the time.  Regardless of facts.

I don't know how one goes about surviving a past like he had.  His maternal grandfather murdered his maternal grandmother and then killed himself.  He is described as a bastard by his daughters.  The paternal grandparents weren't much better off except they did not kill each other.  Some stuff you can't really recuperate from in one lifetime, in my opinion.

So, my husband and I muddle through.  But I just wanted to tell you that others are similar to you and they do have value and other people love them.  You have a partner who loves you.  You have value.  You are not the only one who has this situation.

In reference to PR's post--when people ask me how I am and I feel awful (which is often!) I will say, "Spectacular!"  I got that from the movie American Beauty when Janie's dad doesn't believe her day was just alright, so she says in a very condescending tone, "You're right, Dad, it was spectacular!"  When I say it, I use a very animated, fake happy tone.  People usually laugh, though I don't think they really get it.  If they tell me to have a good day, I often say, "I shall try!"

Aw, Darren, I just read your answer to GS.   My son shares some of your values, too.  Except he has experimented with the dumpster diving!!!!  I would say it would be nice if all you guys could meet,  but I bet it would be terribly awkward!  The very things you have in common are probably what would also keep you from connecting.  Unless you all met by accident somehow.  You know, no pressure?

You are somebody I would be able to get along with very well.

Thanks for your response Juno! =)  Its been very helpful for me to realize I'm not the only one out there acting like we do.  I do identify with your husband and it sounds like we have experienced some the same things and feelings.  I imagine that how I am was my method for surviving it all.  I'm sorry he had to go through all that because its a tough way to grow up.  I spent a long, long time with a girl who had many issues and it really screwed me up good.   Although my issues are different, I still worry the effect it has on people.  I imagine its not easy to be with people who are quiet and withdrawn.  I almost didn't hook up with my partner out of guilt for the effect it might have, but she made it clear that its her choice to make and not mine =)  I'm glad there are people out there who will accept us they way we are. 

I never did any dumpster diving, but my father sure did.  Somebodies trash always seems to be someone elses treasure.  I saw the movie "Into the Wild" recently.  I don't know that this guy did what he did for the same reasons I did, but I identify.  He graduated college, donated his last $25,000 to charity, cut up his ID and SS card, burned his movie, and walked to Alaska to live in the woods.  It didn't turn out so well, and he died in the end, but its still not a deterrent. 

It is ironic that anybody who's like me isn't going to have much of a successful friendship with somebody like me.  You'd have two people getting together wishing they could just be alone =) 

Thanks again for your response, I'd get along with you too quite well.  The people here seem like my kinda people, which is why I hang out here.

[lostkitten]

Hi Darren,
I can really relate to this "mood" you are in. I know depression like the back of my hand, because I've worn it like an old glove most of my life.

I don't know if expressing how I"m
feeling is a good thing and getting in touch with my emotions, or if I'm
just giving in to self pity.

I think we all need to get in touch of our emotions. Especially if they are angry or sad ones. In your life story you said that you suffer from anhedonia. Getting in touch with those emotions is feeling. That is a good thing. Wonderful! I would suggest taking it a step further, like beating the crap out of a punching bag or a mattress. It is okay to feel. ((((((((Darren))))))))


YOU ARE NOT A GREEN COAT!

I know that sounds goofy, but it is something that I read about once that really helped me. The idea sort of goes like this:

If you wear a green coat everyday, all day, weekend and weekout. You become associated with that green coat. That's what you see when you look in the mirror. That is what other people see when they look at us.

I picked up that green coat somewhere along the way, put it on, and now it seems a part of me. I would really rather wear a plaid jacket. But I've got to get this darn green thing off first. You really know inside that you are not a green coat, it's just something that you have picked up, it's just covering you up - so stop associating yourself with it.

(I've really worked with this personally.) Do not say "I am depressed." maybe say: "I'm feeling depressed." Separate the depression from you. I usually try to associate it with a dark cloud going over. The depression is the dark cloud. It is not me, or part of me. It's just passing over me. There still are lots of times that I have to remind myself over, and over again firmly. "I am not depressed! - it's just this dark cloud (of depression) hanging over again." "And it will pass." Then I pretend to be happy.

I would suggest every single time you say or think "I'm so depressed." You immediately correct it in your head (or out loud) "No I am NOT depressed, I'm just feeling depressed, and it WILL pass."

I only suggest these things because - I know what it is like to see no reason to go on. I know what it's like to be depressed because I can not allow myself to end it all, I HAVE TO stay here. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

I feel so much for you
Sending peace and love your way  

Lost Kitten

[darren]

Dear Darren,
 I think you are acting "normally" based on your childhood , which forced you to twist and turn and shut down your emotions and reactions. Today, as an adult, you are playing with a 'deck" that is not stacked right to deal with current life issues.
 I can relate, of course, as I bet we all can.
 For me, the book Reclaiming your Life " by Jensen is showing me HOW, in a practical way, to heal by dealing directly with the suppressed emotions that are at the root of the current angst.
 I ,already, feel much better. Perhaps, this could be a direction for you, Darren.             Hugs   Ami

(((((((Darren))))))))

Thanks Ami =)  You are right, the way I am is a normal reaction to what I've been through.  I see everything as childhood defenses that just don't serve me well in adulthood.  I often feel like I've been thrust into an adult world without any of the tools I should have had to survive in it.  You are the second person to recommend that book to me, so I'm thinking its even more worth looking into.  

[darren]

Hi Darren,
I can really relate to this "mood" you are in. I know depression like the back of my hand, because I've worn it like an old glove most of my life.

I'm glad I'm not alone, sorry we relate to the sad things =)

I don't know if expressing how I"m
feeling is a good thing and getting in touch with my emotions, or if I'm
just giving in to self pity.

I think we all need to get in touch of our emotions. Especially if they are angry or sad ones. In your life story you said that you suffer from anhedonia. Getting in touch with those emotions is feeling. That is a good thing. Wonderful! I would suggest taking it a step further, like beating the crap out of a punching bag or a mattress. It is okay to feel. ((((((((Darren))))))))


YOU ARE NOT A GREEN COAT!

I know that sounds goofy, but it is something that I read about once that really helped me. The idea sort of goes like this:

If you wear a green coat everyday, all day, weekend and weekout. You become associated with that green coat. That's what you see when you look in the mirror. That is what other people see when they look at us.

I picked up that green coat somewhere along the way, put it on, and now it seems a part of me. I would really rather wear a plaid jacket. But I've got to get this darn green thing off first. You really know inside that you are not a green coat, it's just something that you have picked up, it's just covering you up - so stop associating yourself with it.

(I've really worked with this personally.) Do not say "I am depressed." maybe say: "I'm feeling depressed." Separate the depression from you. I usually try to associate it with a dark cloud going over. The depression is the dark cloud. It is not me, or part of me. It's just passing over me. There still are lots of times that I have to remind myself over, and over again firmly. "I am not depressed! - it's just this dark cloud (of depression) hanging over again." "And it will pass." Then I pretend to be happy.

I would suggest every single time you say or think "I'm so depressed." You immediately correct it in your head (or out loud) "No I am NOT depressed, I'm just feeling depressed, and it WILL pass."

I only suggest these things because - I know what it is like to see no reason to go on. I know what it's like to be depressed because I can not allow myself to end it all, I HAVE TO stay here. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

I feel so much for you
Sending peace and love your way  

Lost Kitten

Yes you are spot on, feeling anything at all is probably a good thing and good opportunity to gain some emotional intelligence if I can face the emotions.  The "green coat idea" makes a whole lot of sense and I never looked at it that way.  Thanks for sharing that because I really think its something I can make use of.  I think my idea of a self, or my identity is quite shot.  I'm not always sure I know who I am.  It'll be a lot easier to figure that out when I can recognize the things that I'm not.  Thats a really great concept though, and I love those kinds of ideas. 

[lostkitten]

WOW! YOU REALLY GOT IT!!!

It'll be a lot easier to figure that out when I can recognize the things that I'm not.

That is the whole concept. I find that visualisation helps me. For instance:

Picture a weary traveler wandering down the road, just about too weary to go any further. Then someone along side the road says "Hey there, why do you have that big bag of rocks attached to your belt?" "Hmm, I don't know." So he unties them and drops them and his walk is a bit easier. Then as he notices his pockets are full of gravel he dumps them out. And so on and so on, until he drops all this junk that he has been carrying. What a difference! Now the journey is almost effortless.

You are this beautiful person inside, you have always been there. Other people or yourself have burdened you down with all this "stuff". You are not all this "stuff". The real you is there hidden under it all. It's not about finding stuff it's about getting rid of stuff.

Sometimes it's hard to get rid of stuff, because he have made the mistake of thinking that the stuff is us.

Kitten

[debkor]

Darren,

I am sorry you are feeling this way. But how about allowing yourself to feel Free today.  You dont' have to have everything right at the right time. How to you handle stress?  Hec if I know.  I just go with the flow.

Grab some ice cream lay on the couch, leave the spoon in the container on the table, have the remote on your chest with magazine on the floor, one shoe on, the other off, bed head, shorts with holes in them and DO WHAT YOU WANT.  Don't care what people want, how you are supposed to feel, and just be FREE today to be Non Obligated , today is, Darren's Free to do what he wants, enjoy yourself, your ice cream, your shoe on and one off...........

I mean, do what, you enjoy and jump into it.... even if it means just sitting outside.. watching people walk by...... take a day off.....
to do nothing....not think about anything....... there is always tommorrow to figure out things or later....... but inbetween.........it's your free time... to just ... whatever!! 

Love
Deb

[darren]

WOW! YOU REALLY GOT IT!!!

It'll be a lot easier to figure that out when I can recognize the things that I'm not.

That is the whole concept. I find that visualisation helps me. For instance:

Picture a weary traveler wandering down the road, just about too weary to go any further. Then someone along side the road says "Hey there, why do you have that big bag of rocks attached to your belt?" "Hmm, I don't know." So he unties them and drops them and his walk is a bit easier. Then as he notices his pockets are full of gravel he dumps them out. And so on and so on, until he drops all this junk that he has been carrying. What a difference! Now the journey is almost effortless.

You are this beautiful person inside, you have always been there. Other people or yourself have burdened you down with all this "stuff". You are not all this "stuff". The real you is there hidden under it all. It's not about finding stuff it's about getting rid of stuff.

Sometimes it's hard to get rid of stuff, because he have made the mistake of thinking that the stuff is us.

Kitten

I really will take advantage of this.  I can even think of times when I've done similar things successfully.  My ex  made me bitter, angry, jealous, resentful... the list goes on and on.  At one point I did have to tell myself and convince myself that that wasn't who I was.  In some ways it was just a state of mind.  I gotta lot of baggage but I'll eventually get my true self.

[darren]

Darren,

I am sorry you are feeling this way. But how about allowing yourself to feel Free today.  You dont' have to have everything right at the right time. How to you handle stress?  Hec if I know.  I just go with the flow.

Grab some ice cream lay on the couch, leave the spoon in the container on the table, have the remote on your chest with magazine on the floor, one shoe on, the other off, bed head, shorts with holes in them and DO WHAT YOU WANT.  Don't care what people want, how you are supposed to feel, and just be FREE today to be Non Obligated , today is, Darren's Free to do what he wants, enjoy yourself, your ice cream, your shoe on and one off...........

I mean, do what, you enjoy and jump into it.... even if it means just sitting outside.. watching people walk by...... take a day off.....
to do nothing....not think about anything....... there is always tommorrow to figure out things or later....... but inbetween.........it's your free time... to just ... whatever!! 

Love
Deb

Thanks for the sympathy =)  Getting some attention is really helpful.  But what you are suggesting is really hard for me to do.  I get panicky, its gotta be taken care of now, ITS END OF THE WORLD STUFF!  Well okay its probably not, but as you can see my emotions don't want to give me a day off.  I think I'll settle down as its what usually happens.  But its hard to take a day off when I feel like packing up all my stuff and getting away from the problem to a new residence.  It just feels too urgent.  I really should take a day off, but maybe part of my problem is I neglect and procrastinate things that come back to haunt me.  I'll try and set aside a day soon to relax... maybe I'll play in the rain a bit when I get off work.