My Mother

[Ami]

I realized today that my M sexually abused me. It was covert sexual abuse. When my friend said the words,"Ami, your M sexually abused you, I started crying". I went in to the  "category" of "dirty, disgusting, damaged, soiled, repulsive.
 I was in that category, before, in my  gut, but now I was , in my mind. I was not the  "fake " person any more.
 The  fake person didn't have any of these things happen to her. The fake person always looked good, so everything was fine.
  Now I have some answers as to why my life didn't work, why I took my H's bad feelings and did not fight back. I agreed with him. Now, I know why I did not stand up to my in-laws, until way too late. I agreed with them, too. 
  My M liked to shock me. She liked to punch me in the stomach ,psychically, and then leer at me, smirk at me.
  She would tell me sexual things that were beyond my ability to understand and then laugh at my discomfort.
  I see her face, as I come out of denial and it is uglier and uglier, just as it was .
  I hate to be in all these categories.       Ami
 

[Ami]

I feel like a part of me clicked back in, with this. Now, I know why I have been so anxious, not just sexual abuse, but the general "tormenting" atmosphere. I have been blaming myself for why I was "screwed up"
I feel relief. I feel like there will be an end to the "symptoms " of abuse such as fear of traveling,general fears, sadness  etc. I WILL be whole , at some point, probably not so terribly far ,in the future.     Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Ami,

I just wanted to let you know that I have read what you have written here. At this time do not have words or insight to offer you but I do care and I do hear your pain.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Your words are MORE than enough,Lise!    Love   Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

Oh Ami

That is so hard to believe!!

I'm sorry you thought of it!

Now more things to deal with, but I believe this board is sex-free.

[lostkitten]

(((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))

With love & blessings coming your way,
lostkitten

[Ami]

Thanks Lost Kitten. I appreciate your post very much.       Love   Ami

[Leah]

((((((((((( Ami )))))))))))

You are very much in my thoughts and prayers.

Will you be able to share this with Ann fairly soon, I do hope so.

Love, Leah

[James]

Ami......I am very glad you shared this here. It was your mothers' shame not yours for doing what she did. Terrorizing a child with her own sexual perversions is more than inappropriate, it's downright cruel. It was her never you and by facing this you will realize it. Being in denial keeps us from knowing the truth and as you say the truth heals and it does.  ......Love, James

[Ami]

Thank you ((((((((((James)))))))))  and ((((((((((Leah)))))))                            Love, Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Ami, what a shocking revelation!!! What good work you are doing to have such abuse finally made visible to you.  Here, you have known what your mother did all your life and yet you were not able to label it as abuse until now.  That must be extremely cathartic and healing.  That is a HUGE burden for a human carry all these years.

I am so thankful that you have a place that you can share this.  I have found that such deep, shameful revelations are difficult to share and even more difficult to be accepted by those with whom I have shared.  I am thankful that you can share this profound revelation here and receive support from people like me who care.

I hope that naming this abuse will be like a cork on a champagne bottle and that the dark phlegm of shame and putrid detrius will spew forth ridding your soul of the poison that has eaten away at your being all of these years.  It is time to fill up with healing and move forward in life.

I am so happy for you!!  Love to you, GS

[Ami]

Dear GS
 Thank you for your warm  post. You touched on why I shared this,  to take shame, which I feel ,as a buried emotion, and bring it to the light. I "hoped" I would receive loving feedback and I did.
 I want to root out the "shame" . Shame is that *I* am "bad", not an action , but ME. This is what I want to heal.
 Today, I got a "new" revelation, in the heart. My M is cukoo. I see it a little more clearly, cukoo, and I blamed me.Thanks again , so much, for your post, GS
    Love   Ami

(((((((GS))))))
 

[seasons]

Dear Ami,

I can relate to every word you shared. I have experienced this also, stuffed deep in my gut.

My M liked to shock me. She liked to punch me in the stomach ,psychically, and then leer at me, smirk at me.
  She would tell me sexual things that were beyond my ability to understand and then laugh at my discomfort.
  I see her face, as I come out of denial and it is uglier and uglier, just as it was .

I am happy for you that your friend did not let this slide. Acknowledging your abuse with you for you so you can completely rid yourself of their shame, not yours.

Ami your heart is open to receive this revalaion, the TRUTH is they are shameful and you need not to suffer one more minute from NM abuse.
The spot light is on the abuser they can't hide when we know the truth and accept the truth of what THEY DID.

Hugs of comfort while your process and work though your new truth.    Love to you seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
 When I saw your name, I knew I would be encouraged. YOU had this ,too? I never met anyone that had this type of thing, of course, other "different" abuse, but not this,in particular. Could you share more? If not , no problem, I understand.
 Seasons, you have a beautiful heart and spirit.   Love    Ami

(((((Seasons)))))))))))

[BonesMS]

I can relate as my NMother also did covert sexual abuse.

Bones