My Mother

[Ami]

Ami......as in my home, the greatest pain of all could be summed up in the reality of not being loved, and then being lied to, and believing it ourselves.......Love, James

Dear James,
 Under this  memory are good things that were "repressed " too. I can only take care of myself. I am only responsible for the things that *I* do and say. I can hone down my life to making myself what I want to be and doing what I value.
 Under this memory was my own power  and strength that I could not face, either. She DID denude me, but not forever.
 The truth ,ALL the memories , are power , my own power, which I threw away when I could not face her. I have nothing to lose,now, b/c I see that I never had a "mother' anyway, so I don't have to be weak and little for her love. There was no love anyway, so I can be strong.   Thanks James. You KNOW b/c you have walked the road, before me, ahead. Thank Goodness for that b/c I would not have had the strength YOU did , to forge it on my own.     Love    Ami

[Gabben]

Ami,

I once heard that we can repress every single emotion, including fear, and experiece of life except love.

Lise

[seasons]

Now, my life makes sense. Sexual abuse is about power, not about sex.

Yes, this is huge when sexual abuse is understood correctly. I didn't tell my husband until many years had gone by because I thought he wouldn't get it.
Finally in a safe place, one day it just rolled right out.

He understood as best as he could with compassion and empathy. I felt the tears of relief rolling down my cheeks.

They are monsters, they hurt, and try and destroy another human being. Again try, we can win our lives back because we are human and worth love and dignity.
((((Ami))))
Truth they are sick cowards who deserve justice. IMO love seasons

[Hopalong]

I never had a "mother' anyway, so I don't have to be weak and little for her love

BRAVO.

That's reality, and reality is what frees you.

And then you go out and discover how many sources of good, nurturing, responsible love there ARE in the world. You'll stop being distracted by the hope for something that is not real, and be free to experience all the good that IS.

Big, Ami. This is big.
Congratulations.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

I talked to my Aunt ,today.   My Aunt said a simple and wonderful thing,"Emmy ,that's sick!"
 It was beautiful and once ,again, my Aunt gave me a sense that there is some order in
 the world.
 She said, "Emmy, I cannot believe that my sister would do that', but it was NOT a denying of my reality,just a true expression of disbelief. She was "with" me.
 Then she said, "Don't let it ruin your life." That was simple truth that felt good, too.
 I felt that I did come from a family where it was not ALL bad. I  always had my Aunt to look at from afar, to know that life was not all topsy--turvey.
             Ami

PS On the "other "hand, I told my old friend who said,'Oh, I was upset,too, when I went away to summer camp and my M left me there"---OY(lol)

[Ami]

My head feels a little "freed up" to make choices, in a way it was not ,before. What do I want from my life? What is important to me, what do I value ,in me, in others.
 I feel a freedom ,as if some rigidity shook loose.   Ami

[Overcomer]

Well, AMi, who is the "bad" one now?  The women who had to "shock" her child.  You know?  I knew of a man who confessed of masturbating in front of a two year old girl and was immediately put on the sex registry.  He had to get a lawyer in order to avoid jail time - it IS abuse!

[Ami]

Kelly, Really? Wow, that really affirmed me. I am already starting to minimize it b/c it is so GROSS!  Thanks friend. You have been with me through ALL the junctures(LOL)      Love     Ami

[lostkitten]

(((((Ami)))))  I've stayed away today, been a little down.  You have been in a very deeply emotional place. I'm so sad for the pain you have been feeling.

I too have experienced sexual abuse as a child. I can remember what happened repeatedly after the age of 9 or 10 until my early teens. I think the reason I started my story with the suicide memories of a very small child is because of the vacant places in my memory of those years. A small child wanting death so much why?  For a number of years now I have really thought I was sexually abused as a baby or tot but I can't remember.

I believe we all have a companion angel that helps and guides us more emotionally and spiritually then physically. That maybe we are protected from some memories until such a time that we have emotionally grown in strength to be able to handle it and grow somehow from the memories.

I believe that you have grown to a place with your emotions that you are going to be able to handle this knowledge and grow from it. You have already been learning and growing so much.

You have friends, love and support. You have shed tears for that little child within, now take her by the hand and let her know she is protected. I feel the sorrow.

(((((Ami)))))

May there be peace in your heart.

[Overcomer]

Yes REALLY.  In a counseling session he confessed to that and the counselor was obligated to report him to the authorities.

[Leah]

YES!  ((((( Ami )))))

Really Really.

There is "Inappropriate" behavior by parent(s), in front of the innocent child, and also, "Inappropriate" behavior by parent(s), in front of the Adult Child.

There is "(Subtle) Covert" Sexual Abuse by parent(s).

There is "Overt" Sexual Abuse by parent(s).

It is done for a purpose.

Did you look at the website link regarding sexual abuse by Mothers?   I was stunned that this is something NOT rare - and has clear meaning, purpose and agenda.   

Apparently, many people, even today, shun the idea or acceptance that this happens. 

I am embarrassed to admit that my Mother fits into this category with her inappropriate sexualized conversation and innuendos, however, I am not carrying HER shame, the ownership and responsibility belongs to my MOTHER.  Oddly enough, my MOTHER only exhibited this behavior after my father had left home.  To an outsider, they would find it difficult to believe that my MOTHER would have behaved in such a manner, however, all of her children can testify, more so my youngest sibling.

May the God of all comfort bring healing and peace to your heart - as you release your MOTHER's shame - back to where it belongs - with your MOTHER.

Ami, YOU will walk through this and BE stronger, healed and whole.

Love,

Leah

>   "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw was a great help to me a couple of years ago.

[Ami]

Dear Leah
 Thank you for saying that about your M. My F did not know  any of these things , either.
 Thanks for sharing that,Leah.I know it was not easy for you to say. I looked up the website . It  answered a lot..
 I had so many symbolic things that were trying to tell me the truth like dreams, body symptoms, phobias.
 You need s/one you can trust in a deep  way,so your body can relax it's guard . Right before, I "saw', , this memory, I  "emotionally" touched the other person and thought"He's safe". Only , then could I go in to a space that allowed it  to play, JUST as if it was happening, at the moment.I was watching it and reliving it.
My mind was in a space I have never experienced.
The one thing that stands out is that truth is always better than lies, no matter what the truth is.
    Love   Ami

[seasons]

That was beautiful Leah.

(((Ami, Kelly, Leah, lostkitten)))  Well everyone! ((((()))))!!!   love seasons

[Overcomer]

It would be interesting to find out if your mom has a sex addiction.  Did she have affairs on your dad?  My ex was a sex addict and he was just so compulsive.  He just could not keep his pants on.  He m so much that he could not perform in bed.  He didn't have anything left for me.  He was addicted to porn and was excited by the chase and the clandestine meetings, etc.  It wasn't that he was in love, he just wanted the excitement....Maybe your mom is a compulsive sex addict......

[Ami]

Oy Kelly, Too much information(lol).
She didn't have affairs. Gulp, to think of your own M, this way. How much lower can I go????
  Ami