Escape Plan Update

[Overcomer]

After reading Ami's post about her mother it made me realize some things.  First of all, I know there is something in my life that I am repressing.  I have snapshots of things in my life as a very young girl.  Smells.  Vague memories.  But I have not remembered anything.  But what I have realized is that it does not really matter to me at this time that I uncover some horrific thing my mom did to me.....I already know that this woman has her own reality.  As long as she believes her reality she is fine.  But that is HER....it is not me.  It is not my job to convince her she is horrible.  It is not my job to make her admit she is N.  No, it is my job to protect myself. 

Sometimes when life is starting to be less volatile, I settle back into my prison and think, "oh, it is not that bad......"  On Thursday the bookkeeper came in with a business suit on.  I asked her where she was and she sheepishly told me she had gone out to a headhunter to apply for a job.  Oh yes, she has an exit strategy as well.

So I did not get that one job and lamented the fact a little bit but then I saw an ad on careerbuilder.com that looks like a perfect fit.  It is a job as GM of a Bookstore.  A national chain.  That is what I do so I applied.  I hope they call me.  I applied for a job with the same company several years ago and it was between me and the assistant manager at the store.  They chose to promote from within.  Back then the pay was a bit too low for me.  Anyway, I hope I at least get an interview.  If the bookkeeper leaves the company is screwed!!  If me AND the bookkeeper leaves they might as well close the doors!!

I will get out.  I will get out.  I WILL get out!

[Hopalong]

Atta girl, Kelly.

YES YOU WILL!!!

Great planning, perfect position, and bravo.

You're thinking clearly and taking action.

Good for you!

love
Hops

[Ami]

Oh Kelly
 I know that, for me, the one thing that was necessary was a totally safe place with s/one who would not be "shocked" or have their own "gag" factor.
 This stuff is gross . Most people cannot go there.
 Our bodies and minds know when we are safe. Only then will this stuff come out.
 I don't think most therapists can go to deep places(IMO). They will shut you down and not know what they are doing.
  I know there are more layers of pain, not necessarily more of these memories. I don't think I have more  of these memories,but I may. 
 I can say one thing, for sure, staying in denial is a million times worse that facing anything. Denial is living life frozen and continually repeating the pain,over and over, symbolically. I will help you in whatever way I can, Kelly.
When I come out of this, I know I will be able to really help other people b/c I will have gone to a deep place and will be able to let other people go there, too.      Love   Ami

(((((((Kelly))))))))
 
 

[Overcomer]

Thank you.  My ex and I drove to Maryland to see this specialized counselor back in 92.  This man told me I was the most guarded person he had met.  He would kinda hypnotize people to get them to a place where they could not remember.  I would not go there.  He told me there was something there.  But right now I just need to remove myself from constant proximity to my mom.

[Ami]

Do you "think" it was your M, Kelly?  For me, I had an exaggerated feeling, my whole life ,about HOW gross my M was. I was revolted by her to" too much" of a degree . She did do and say "disgusting "things,but I still had an over exaggerated sense of how disgusting she was . Now, I know why .      Ami

[Overcomer]

Well my doc who prescribed the cymbalta told me she felt my issues with my mom went way back to my childhood.  I know she was not there for me and she did impose her will on me from early on.  She had little tolerance for me and was mean spirited.  I never knew about sex or anything growing up.  I do not know I just know that just to be in her presence makes me ill.

[Overcomer]

Back to my escape plan.  Got an email from the HR person at the job I just applied for.  She will be calling me in the next couple of days for an initial interview!!  Keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me, ok????

[seasons]

Thats great news Kelly. Good luck. seasons

[Overcomer]

Thanks!!  It IS great news!!  I am psyched for this job.  I was praying today......something like this...........Lord, you know how I hate working with my mom and I cannot believe you would want me to stay in the middle of this stressed filled existence......but please, guide and direct me so I do not make a mistake.  If this is the job for me,l then please make it so!!

I just believe that staying is not good for me..............but I do not want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire!

[Ami]

I am with you, Kelly, sending you good thoughts. I can't imagine the stress of working with mine . Having her in my head is bad enough(lol).  Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

May
it
be
so

Hops

[Overcomer]

So I had the phone interview and the lady said I was not quite qualified for the GM position-they have an internal candidate who is the sales manager.  So she asked me if I would consider the sales manager position.  I said I would consider it.

[sKePTiKal]

Kelly - way to go - be flexible! Won't hurt to see what that job's about...

But keep looking. You're bound to find just the right place for you to "escape" to.

[Juno]

Kelly, this sounds suspiciously like "things falling into place".  It sounds real good.  I'm happy for you and this new possibility.

[Overcomer]

Really?  I was sad to think that she did not think I was qualified but relieved that I would not get in over my head.  But could I work for someone else?  I have been in charge for so long-except for my mom that I do not know how it would be to be at the mercy of someone else and especially if they are a lot younger than I.  What do you all think?