Hi,
Fear isn't unusual to me. Its funny, because this got me thinking. I have always been sensitive. What I mean by sensitive, is my 'anxiety arousal' is easily set off. I don't know if it's early experience/upbringing. No doubt it is. Sometimes I think my chemistry is really screwed. I mean, when I think about my social anxiety/O.C.D. tendencies over the years, its no surprise. I've always been quite jumpy. (When my heart 'leaps'
it leaps!, like a jolt, almost sore. No, actually
sore in fact.).
When I was a kid, fears used to keep me awake. Crazy fears. I'd hear on the news part of a rocket was floating around in space, lost, and might land somewhere on earth, and worry it was going to land on our house during the night. I've had some crazy, fearful thoughts, ....too embarrassing to even say.
I guess I never felt really safe...
I always remember fearing my mother. Never feeling she was a safe haven (like there was always a catch, or doubt). I recal when I was a kid at high school. We all got caught gambling in the toilets in our first year, which, wasn't permitted.
Some kid came up to me afterwards, and thought he'd try and scare me. He was in the year above, and had seen me 'escaping' when the headmaster walked into the toilets, and everybody scrambled, except the few unlucky ones who were caught.
'' You'll probably get expelled now, someone gave him your name so he'll be wanting to see you soon! ''.
I walked around the school, on my own, lost in dread. Holding back tears, literally. Feeling doomed. (All of course, because my mother would have to find this out. Her boy had been 'bad'). Expulsion? My, what were the implications here?
Anyway, it turned out I only got a detention. I got home, and waited on her getting back from work, with much ruminating, dreading, inpatience ( the wait was no doubt a long one.)
When I told her, it was like I hadn't told her anything that big a deal, and anyway, she was just in from work, and the main thing on her mind was getting a cup of tea, and sitting down. So where did this fear come from? Why did I expect such an extreme reaction, yet get nothing? Probably from confusion, I'm guessing. Her shifting moods, unpredictable. I had no doubt GOT the reaction I expected many times before.
Did she withdraw her love? If I didn't comply? Back and forth, as I grew up? If the love was every fully there. I'm not, to be honest, sure I even love her, or them. At least i don't feel anything at the moment. Haven't for a long time, My feelings died a long time ago. Locked away. I don't remember feeling warmth there. Its hurts to wonder if I ever did. Did I cut it off, or did they? Did I withdraw? Was it ever there to begin with? (I'm not looking for answers, just pondering).
A similar thing happened when I was a little younger. I called a chat-line, for fun. My friends and I had been doing it for a laugh, you know, like kids do. Almost prank call-ish. But fun none the less. So I decide to do it, at home, when my mothers out. I get my head round the fact, a week or so later, that we may in fact have an itemized bill, with all calls listed.
No guesses whats coming next. I'm so worried by this, I look out old bills in my mothers room, in a deserate attempt to ease my mind, then spend the next few weeks in dread. I literally felt the world had ended.
I 'confess' to her, about my 'misdeeds'. Because I can no longer stand the wait anymore.
'' What else have you done behind my back??????? ''
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, its all a bit random. But when I get anxious or even paranoid, I can't help but tie it in to my upbringing.
In answer to your question, I don't know
. I think mines is maybe different anyway, in a way. But I do have big problems keeping my mind free of anxiety/panic, and from it 'going off the rails'.
I'm trying to think of calming 'the child' in me now, I guess, in the hope it will help.
