GFM

[Hopalong]

Hey, Lupita...

Anxiety medication was invented for exactly this purpose. When you're having a panic attack, taking a pill or two does not make you an addict. Nobody likes the feeling of needing Rx to cope. But when you need it, you need it.

I truly believe we live in a warped culture that contributes a great deal to this exact type of panic. When a precious relationship changes, and we have no anchor.

I have been there, dear Lupita. I know how you are feeling. And I know you deserve a community of good friends.

This may be a controversial response, but I keep wondering if being immersed in that church community and that church school is stifling to you. As though you have to keep pretending all the time, and can't feel safe to just be.

Who you are is a good person with vulnerabilities. Welcome to the club.

You are passionate, emotive, and have been enduring a great deal of stress.

You don't have enough of a support system in your life. You have been so isolated, and that's not who you are.
You are a person who needs and deserves a group of loving accepting friends, a community. Even if it began with a support group, I think it would make such a difference to you.

I wish you were a UU because we would be there for you, without forcing you to be "good girl." We would accept you as a powerful, vulnerable (yes, both) woman in pain. Who can decide her own beliefs and needs and not have to pretend.

love
Hops

[Leah]

Dear  ((((((((( Lupita ))))))))))

My heart truly goes out to you, regarding your angst and heartache in this situation with your dear son and his gf (and gfm).

I read this link this morning ... http://en.bibleinfo.com/topics/topic.html?id=11  which may be of help to you.

You are a wonderful mother in every sense of the word.

Love to you,

Leah x

[lighter]

I haven't gotten this worked out myself yet but will list it as I understand it.

List this for yourself, Lupita


1.  Goal
                                                                                 form
2.  Facts
                                                                              draw circle
3.  Needs                                                                     here
                                                            economy                         function
4.  Concept                                                    
                                                                                   time
5.  Problems
    (never changes)          


You have specific problems, goals, needs and a certain amount of time, money and energy to solve it.

There will be logical solutions to spend your energy on and then there's illogical solutions you simply can't make work bc of your resources and the reality of any situation.

Now..... I've probably mentoined this before but I'll say it again bc it comes to mind when I read your posts.


Your son has a goal.  

He wants to be a musician.  

(His GF doesn't respect or care for his work.)


Your son wants to become an established businessman before he marries and starts a family.

(GF and GFM want him to abort his plans for their desires and get married sooner.)

(these are his problems btw, not yours)

How can you help him remain on track and attain his goals?  (That seems reasonable to me, as a goal for him)

Validating the wisdom and logic of his plan makes sense.


Or......
Discussing, in bright chirpy tones, how giving up his plans to stay home and help his soulmate raise children, bc surely she won't want him to travel or be messing with all that musical stuff will:

Gift him something more important.... raising children with his soulmate, they can both be parents together instead of his establishing himself in a business first.  

He'll get to spend time with his children and wife while they're all young.... that's going to be more difficult if he hasn't become established yet but, hey..... what's more important..... creating security for his young family or starting the family early?

BTW.... you can't wait to get your hands on those grandbabies.... K?

Lupita.... you can't be sarcastic EVER.  

You must sound sincere and lay out the reality of the situation so that HE IS THE ONE WHO MAKES THE CONNECTION FOR HIMSELF.

If you have him  defending GF AND GFM.... he can't look into the future.

Tell him how nice it will be to have GFM around all the time making decisions for you both so you have more time to raise the babbies and work whatever job she figures is best.

She's a very wise wealthy woman.... she'll be good at helping with family decisions..... nod a lot, but not too much.

He should probably start thinking about a different line of work, something that will keep him home more.


This conversation may sound nothing like this, but you get my meaning.
 
Present the reality and be happy about it.  Glad for him.  Supportive and willing to lend a hand to GF and GFM, KWIM?

When you stop supporting his plans... his dreams, his goals.....

he'll receive a shock he didn't know existed.

That's the wake up call he needs.

 Now, if you're not completely confused..... get paper and pencil and draw the above diagram for your own life, not his.


What are Lupita's goals for herself?


Love ya,

Lighter

[Lupita]

Juno, I cant think. Today I will use only your prayer. Cant make my own......yet. I will when I am feeling better. Your help is very much appreciated. In fact it is invaluable. So good, so great, when I most needed support. Thank you.

Hops, thanks for your opinion. I agree that the school "christian school" where I work is a very toxic environment. But I am so sick that wherever I go it becomes a toxic environment. I know I have to change jobs, but I have to improve my self so I do not turn it into a toxic environment. Of coure it is not all my fault, but it is partly my fault. So, if God blesses me with a better job, I have to work very hard on my self to succeed, at least in the social aspect, because I know I am a good teacher, and kids will be kids. But I hve to be a more desirable person to join with. So they are not dispising me all the time. (I am talking with self hate) at least I notice it now.
Hops, I agree that the church is not helping me. I want to find a job in public school before I leave the church. If you are not in church you cannot work in a christian school. So, this summer will ne full of changes if God helps. And Im positive he will help and I will find a job in a public school where my private life is not judged.

Lighter, thanks for the time. Now, you have to work with me a little more. I do not understnad the plan. So, please, if you can, let us go by steps.

So, what would be my first step??????????????

[Lupita]

Lea, thank you so much for the website, I just read it. It is fantastic. Everything in one site. I can use it in so many ways. Thank you so much for the time to look for that just for me.
God bless you.

[Lupita]

OK, Lighter, or anybody who would like to jumo in, let us work on that first step.


Lighter:

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS MY GOAL

First I thought it was to become a doctor in the USA. I have worked so hard and no hospital took me. OK I still have two more things to do about that. I am thinking about do it or not.

Also, I wanted to do a PHD in neuroscience.

Also, my first an most closest goal is to find a job in public schools.

OK that is numbre 1

Find a job in public school. Have to wait till the end of July and beginning of August when the positions are released and open to the public.

But if God helps and I get a job in public school I have to have the emotional equipment to become a desirable employee and not a burden because of my needyness. So I have to survive that job.

Number 2

Save some money for a 3D councelor.

Number 3
Detach from my son's choices and just be there to help him if he needs it. Detach from that toxic GF and GFM. HOw???? I do not know, I will think about it.

Number 3

I need to relax. This year has been hell for me.

Number 4

After a few days of rest I will start thinking how to do or norrow my goals.


Number 5

Take that setp 3 of USMLE and do an observership to be if that way I can enter a residency program for my MD dream.

Number 6

I need to rest and relax

Number 7

Form a support group on my own.

Number 8 I need to rest

Number 9

Keep working on growing up and desensitization fo triggers

Number 10

I want to feel good

Number 11

Inner peace  This is the must important.


I want to feel good.

[Lupita]

OK, find a job in public school is the number one goal now. Because of the benefits, the salary and the liberty of not going to church.

Also, Work on my self so I do not have big problems if god blesses me with a job in a public school so I can deal with the daily probles with out feeling threaten ot frighten.

That is the most immediate goal.

At the mean time I want to do a prayer like JUNO suggested, very similar with my needs in it so I can pray directly to what I need.



I want to feel good. I want to be good.

[Lupita]

The other number I do not know yet.

For NEEDS

I need a support group. How to find it? I dont know. To make it on my own? Maybe. More owrk? maybe too much work.

Need to detach from my son for my own good.

Need to feel good. Need to have peace. That is the most imprtant.

I want to feel good.



I want to feel good. I want to see GFM and the control she exercise on my son and not to feel anything. Just leave it up to him. AFter all I do not have a choice.

I cann see that that woman drives me crazy. And it is not the GF it is the GFM the one that drives me crazy. Totally crazy. I will not do anything. I will step back. How?????????????

[Lupita]

Please friends, give me your opinion.

Should I just stay away from GFM? How? She is part of my social group. If I run away from her instead of dealing with her, I will go again from place to place when I have decided to stay.

Wherever I go I will find a person like her that drives me crazy and I run away. I have been doing that all my fu****ng life. Moving from place to place running away from people who behave like my mother. And no matter where I go I always find somebody like GFM that causes me the same pain.

I have to deal with her and survive and deal with anybody like her.

I guess the goal number one is to learn to love my slef so I feel content and I do not feel bad.

OK, I am going to eat something and exercize a little and come back.

Thank you to all my friends who are helping me. I do not know why I feel so bad. Maybe I know.

[Lupita]

Lighter thank you for your time. Let us keep working. This is very good what you are doing right now with me. I like it very much. It is almost like 3D.

I think my son has decided that even if he marries he does not want children until he is established. Good for him. My point now is not that he has children, but that he enmeshes in an N relatioship with the GFM too so much that he gets confused and he is just surviving everyday to complay with their never endless needs. These two work for their egos and working for the ego is endless. They have no insight at all. And my son knows it. He has told me. And he still tells me how much he loves them. He tells me that GFM is very good despite that he recognizes her as an N. He knows. He is self destroying him self. He knows. He does not visualize the hell that and N puts you. He does not know that yet. I think I am not an N because I love my son very much. So he does not know what is to be never good enough. He will know soon. I have to step back like you sat and work on my self.

OK, what is KWIM? I have no idea. KWIM what is that?

[Lupita]

If anybody wants to jomd in here, I can use any help I get.

God bless you all.

I need to feel good.

I NEED TO FEEL GOOD. I NEED PEACE!!!!!

[seasons]

((Lupita))

I just popped in, have  been away for several days. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. You will get better.

I so identify with your feelings and can learn from you, as you work through them.

Will be back tonight. Until then, I will continue to think and pray for you. For Lupita to feel good and have peace in your heart.

love seasons

p.s. I love Lighters threads, most helpful, use these tools!!

[Lupita]

Thank you seasons, thank you so much for jumping in to my help. I need as much help as I can get.
Feel very lonely. Always faking and pretending, never safe. Always isolated, alwyas lonely.

I took a red bull to see if I get energized but still sleepy. Exhausted.

[Hopalong]

Yes.
You are always faking and pretending and so so very isolated and lonely.
This is what's wrong.

I get a job in public school I have to have the emotional equipment to become a desirable employee and not a burden because of my needyness

The reason you are "needy" is because you NEED a support group, healthy (not religion-based, imo) counseling and a community of peers that hears you and supports you without judging you. But, you have no money for counseling.

Okay, I will say this again. I believe with all my heart Lupita that you MUST find a women's support or therapy group and attend it regularly. I believe you should have a meaningful group to attend at LEAST two nights a week, where you can be honest and open and emotional and NOT FAKE ANYTHING AND NOT PRETEND for an hour or two. Where you can experience being heard and accepted exactly as you really are and really feel.

This experience STRENGTHENS you because you experience in company that you can be who you actually are without the world falling apart. Repeated, regularly, this experience strengthens you more because you gradually take interest in your own life.

I don't believe you have much interest in your own life, right now. Just in your son's, your students', your church and school authorities', the GFM's.

So, where do you find such groups when you have no money to pay for it? I'll PM you some places to start.

Sliding scale, you meet with the leader and ask for reduction or free--it happens.

I hope you'll do this rather than distract yourself from the pain because the pain will come back over and over until you get what you NEED and it is okay for you to NEED support from outside your family!!!

love
Hops

[Lupita]

Hey Hops, thanks for the e mail. I e mailed several of those places. Let us see if they answer me back.

GFM always puts me in crisis. I did no have a crisis since new years eve. That was my last crisis. I hate that woman.

I am dyeing little by little.

Let us see if something works out well with the e maisl I sent.