The emotional buzzsaw is back: my foo

[sKePTiKal]

My wise husband said after the fact, that I should've let my mom's phone call go to voicemail. I wish I had.

I'm becoming more & more convinced that abusive families have true ESP and they receive some kind of message from the universe that you are about to become totally free of their emotional blackmail, abuse, and mind-games. Then, they launch their attack.

My dad's health is pretty deteriorated; he's suffered from stroke-related aphasia for years because he refused to keep up his rehab therapy. For at least a year, he's had 24-hr in home care; it's expensive as you can imagine. He fancies himself quite the wealthy, self-made man - the capricious, classic N who can be ever so charming as he's stabbing you in the back and making you his slave. My brother is his "golden boy", his "ace". There is a good bit of money of involved, but my brother doesn't have a lick of business sense and having been the "prize" that my mom & dad fought over (and are still fighting over) he doesn't even see that they are responsible for his current misery. My brother is the legal representative for my Dad.

My mother is still recovering from a quadruple bypass, done at Christmas. If anything, her illness is getting worse with age - whatever it is: BPD, N, an abuse victim in total denial... whatever. She tells me that my brother & dad are trying to convince her to move in the man she divorced 40 years; who tried to kill her (a fact from my memory); to care for him. She is pretty hysterical discussing the topic; can't say as I blame her. But, her other news last night is that my Dad is selling his business. It's run by a very loyal manager, who has gone above & beyond the call of duty dealing with my Dad's crazy actions.... like walking in one morning with no prior notice and firing all the employees. This man deserves a medal - and more - for the years he's put up with this.

Mom's take on this is that "it's up to you if you want to come up this summer" - though we hadn't even been discussing it; it just dropped out of the middle of the rest of her rant. She went on to try to guilt me into coming up to "fix" the situation... because my brother's not "doing it right". All this time, I'm not even saying a word: her monologue doesn't even need the occasional "uh-huh"...

I was letting a lot of this just roll off me. My mom loves to trash my dad, paint my brother in disgrace, and she is not told much of anything about what's going on - because she always makes it out to be something nefarious, underhanded and manipulative. And she's not completely wrong; there is always a grain of truth to her suspicions, which reinforces her opinions; validates her judgements. I listen closely for those bits of truth and let the rest go.

But then:
She said she had to go back to the hospital to get checked out; thought she had a heart attack - brought on by the stress of how my brother's children fight. She is the live-in childcare for my brother; been at it 9-10 years now. And she proceeds to narrate for me in splendid, explicit detail how she is emotionally abusing them - telling them, that they are responsible for her trip to the hospital (never mind she's been 100 lbs overweight for years, an unmanaged diabetic, and doesn't exercise) and that if they continue fighting that she will walk out the door and never come back. And she sends them to their rooms.

At this point, I began to feel physical pain. Chain smoking didn't really help, so I stopped it. And she starts comparing - these kids to my brother & I; my brother and myself... and says that I always had a really good memory. How I never wanted help with my schoolwork (because she always insisted on doing it her way, regardless of the teacher's instructions)... and how at one point I didn't want, need or ask for any help AT ALL... (I wonder why??? It was never "right", because it always had to be done the way she wanted it...)

I didn't say a thing; I couldn't. I wanted so much to say - yeah, I remember EVERYTHING, you know... the denial of what happened to me, the shunning until I could "change my face" - and not feel my justified feelings anymore - until I could be her house-servant, her confidant, her parent... until I accepted that I had no choice, but to sacrifice my SELF for "fix" everything and make it all right for her and my brother... because of course, I wasn't important enough to have my own self, my own feelings... who I was/am was never "right" for her, either.

I got chills thinking about what she's still doing. I've been in an emotional cesspool since the phone call. Slept; but not well. Was able to ask hubby for a hug - and he was totally sweet and understood everything. Of course I wrote it out.... worked it out this morning. I am now struggling with my natural curiosity about what is going on - getting some facts - and with the message from my unconscious - Twiggy - to "not go there" because I'm being played like poker chip - AGAIN - because I'm STILL not important enough to have a life, feelings, and the power of free will as a human being. My unconscious self is telling me that there is NO amount of money in the world, worth selling my SELF out for... and to simply walk away and stop picking up the phone.

If it's important, they'll leave a message. I don't have to play those games anymore. I don't want to. I'm more important than that - to me.

[sea storm]

You go girl!

You are untangling the mess quickly. Looks like you have had plenty of practice.  Just opening the door or picking up the phone can let in a deluge of craziness for which you are responsible. Not only is it chaos but you are supposed to fix it?????

It is amazing that you can be objective about all these goings on.  Take care of yourself and put your sanity and health first. I agree with hubby.... dont pick up.


Love to you and lots of healing. 

Sea storm

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, Sea Storm, for all the positive strokes!

I was pretty busy kicking myself for letting this happen again. I really do know better - how many times does it have to happen before I learn not to expect anything any different? I needed to hear something positive; validating; to counter the familial expectation - obligation, really - to play my role of sacrifical lamb/scapegoat.

I'm pretty sure this is the last time I get sucked into their mess. It doesn't feel very good and I'm at the point where I don't need to keep banging my head on the same old brick wall, hoping for a different result. Caller ID & voicemail is my friend.

[Hopalong]

Oh Amber. Yuck. I can imagine.

Bear in mind, that curiosity is kind of like trying to find out what a camel's farts smell like.
Up close.

Trust your wise self.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

and camels spit, too, I hear...

Thanks for the grin, Hops... I'm starting to pull myself out of the "funk"...

[Gaining Strength]

I was pretty busy kicking myself for letting this happen again. I really do know better -

It's not a matter of "learning" or "knowing better", it's a matter of healing.  Let me give you and example of what I mean: yesterday my therapist was giving me an example of an experience he had with someone. He recently encourntered a person he used to practice with while driving in an office parking lot they both use.  He waited while she backed out.  She drove past, looked him straight in the eye and drove on without acknowledging him in any way.  He made the point that he took no unbrage at her behavior but felt for her that she was so bound up by something that she could not longer exchange common  courtesies.  I fully understood his point and was able to understand his feelings. 

When I read your post I found myself in a very different place - this time I found myself going down an emotional tunnel, getting caught up in the emotions that my own FOO can produce.  The 1st experience is one that I have found healing in.  For the 1st time in my life I am able to realize that every insult is not about me and FINALLY I don't react to all of them but am able to put some back on the person to whom they belong.  When it comes to family however, I have not gotten there and I still react - without filter - because I have not yet achieved that healing.

The point I am getting to is that your reaction is not about learning but it is about healing.  You are drawn in because you are still healing in that area.  No need to beat yourself up about that!  Beating yourself up is destructive and that is one destructive action you CAN do something about.  Hope this makes some sense.

[sKePTiKal]

SS: yep - makes perfect sense!

Combine that with my recent work on allowing myself vulnerability - and trying to ditch my non-functional defense mechanisms - yeah; pretty much makes me a sitting duck, doesn't it? So I got blindsided... it's OK; it happens. Making myself miserable about it is one of those 7 Deadly Habits...

I'm feeling something shift today - the storm is dying down, and in it's place is some strong but quiet emotion... like I'm thinking emotionally. Reprocessing emotions again and getting a different outcome in ME... thanks to the opportunity I was given, unpleasant as it's been up to now. I guess it was a push into the right direction...

Thanks a bunch for the suggestion about healing; it's dead-on...

[gjazz]

PR: on another thread some people discussed their visceral reactions to someone knocking on the door.  I used to have that response to a phone ringing (still do at times).  So when I was going through my initial "walking away" from my NF, I got rid of my phone.  Didn't have one at home.  I also moved 3,000 miles away, which helped enormously, but he'd be on that phone constantly, and when it rang my stomach would tie in knots.  Of course once I got rid of my home phone he began calling me--incessantly--at work, which I solved with the helpful understanding of my boss: we put in a separate line, and it went straight to voice mail.  I know that's not always an option, and had I been married, with kids, etc., I couldn't have isolated myself the way I did.  But removing his ability to contact me at will was a huge, huge help for me.  So I do understand and hope you and your husband find a way, too, to keep the slings and arrows at bay.  Hang in there.  Sounds like you are making such fast and real progress.

[Gaining Strength]

PR - I read something today that I interpreted as meaning that when we are joyous and when we are vulnerable those are the states that we are most susceptible to be shamed.  I think that may be what happened to you with the call from your mother.

I'm feeling something shift today - the storm is dying down, and in it's place is some strong but quiet emotion... like I'm thinking emotionally. Reprocessing emotions again and getting a different outcome in ME... thanks to the opportunity I was given, unpleasant as it's been up to now. I guess it was a push into the right direction...

I think getting a different outcome IS the HUGE shift.  It might have felt like the same old stuff at first but in short order it has become quite different.  It seems that has to do with the tremendous work you have been doing. 

I am glad for you and encouraged by what you are doing.  I don't think we will ever be beyond getting blindsided but the real question will be what happens after that - how are we able to bounce back or are we flattened again.  If we are flattened again then we just have more work to do. Disappointing but not disabling.  We have done work and can do more (though who wants to).  But you have make a quick correction and that is where to keep your focus - on the good.  Focus on it and it grows larger.  Ignore it and it diminishes. (I'm talking to you but I'm also talking to myself here too.)

[sKePTiKal]

I don't think we will ever be beyond getting blindsided but the real question will be what happens after that - how are we able to bounce back or are we flattened again.

Dead on... again!

I did recover pretty quickly. And better, I realized this was an opportunity to push along another bit of the way... because the "game" my mom's playing - the way the hurt occurred; how I was hurt - was a lot more effective when I was a young adolescent, who'd suffered a brain injury, and been through trauma... a young human with a fragile, developing sense of self - a not-yet cohesive "I".

Amber has found her "I" again - gotten my "groove" back, as it were. It's been only recently... and I'm still vulnerable, obviously. But stronger and clearer. And looking at this whole thing - the whole interchange - I realized I misrepresented something while talking through my hurt. I did say something to my mom about memory... when she was saying that I always had such a good memory. I laughed (bitterly) and said that yeah, I was killer at Jeopardy and when people ask "how did you know that?" I just tell 'em it got stuck somewhere in my head.

At which point, she immediately changed the subject and I detected fear in her voice.

All these years, my mom's done her damnedest to make sure I didn't remember the events of 1968. She is terrified that I have now. And I'm just dying to know why... what would it have hurt for me to have the truth and all my feelings about it? If it had been one of my daughters we would still be talking about it... I would still be trying to help them be whole again, if they needed it.

Long story short, she didn't want me to heal - to have my own "I". Because then, she couldn't have used me to live the life she wanted - for herself - through me. She couldn't have kept me parenting her & my brother - and I would've expected her (no, demanded) that she parent me; she knew she couldn't. So she took advantage of my mental/emotional confusion...

...and the only "why" answer I can decipher, is that she doesn't have an "I". That's why she calls and rattles off an hour's worth of trivial nonsense, blames everyone else for the "wrongs" she sees/suffers, why she whines about her doctors, her health... this pumps up the illusion that she has an "I". And like the dutiful daughter, I've let her rattle on... not seeing that this is detrimental to me if I don't actively protect myself. She's getting validated through my listening... but she's not real; she's a false self who can be shattered by a couple of kids arguing.

She doesn't acknowledge feelings, personal boundaries, or even that people are individuals with their own "I"... because that would mean facing her own lack. She fears feelings, because without an "I" - the feelings overwhelm, consume & devour. It's only that cohesive "I" that can contain strong emotion without being "lost" in them and still function.

I did have this "I" before the trauma. And it was growing, developing, getting stronger - strong enough to intervene in my parent's last, serious fight. "I" put myself and what I wanted - you won't kill her - before anyone else's wants/wishes. This was what had to be "nipped in the bud"... because she feared that with a sense of self that strong, she couldn't keep me parenting her; keep me in that role... and she was right.

ENOUGH of me survived... ENOUGH of me stayed "together"... to plot how I would escape this situation during the time I was being shunned; in exile; forced to be what she said I should be - even though it wasn't real; it wasn't me. ENOUGH of me made it through to finally figure out what "what stunk" in that whole situation, and even though it took 40 years to get to this understanding - it was in enough time. I moved out in Dec '74. I moved 1000 miles away in spring '80.

And now it's time to finally right the wrong... and free my "I" from the fear that if I don't keep parenting her, she'll shrivel up & blow away like the wicked witch of the west... no, she'll just find new victims. But it won't be ME.

[Gaining Strength]

Long story short, she didn't want me to heal - to have my own "I". Because then, she couldn't have used me to live the life she wanted - for herself - through me. She couldn't have kept me parenting her & my brother - and I would've expected her (no, demanded) that she parent me; she knew she couldn't. So she took advantage of my mental/emotional confusion...

...and the only "why" answer I can decipher, is that she doesn't have an "I". That's why she calls and rattles off an hour's worth of trivial nonsense, blames everyone else for the "wrongs" she sees/suffers, why she whines about her doctors, her health... this pumps up the illusion that she has an "I". And like the dutiful daughter, I've let her rattle on... not seeing that this is detrimental to me if I don't actively protect myself. She's getting validated through my listening... but she's not real; she's a false self who can be shattered by a couple of kids arguing.

She doesn't acknowledge feelings, personal boundaries, or even that people are individuals with their own "I"... because that would mean facing her own lack. She fears feelings, because without an "I" - the feelings overwhelm, consume & devour. It's only that cohesive "I" that can contain strong emotion without being "lost" in them and still function.

The core of your post is about your mother not having an "I" and doing damage to cover it up.  That is the core of my story.  That is the core of many stories here on this board.  This is so powerful to me. It is becoming clearer and clearer how important it is to acknowledge to ourselves how wretched our parents were, how self serving their actions were and how, in their twisted minds, they felt compelled to destroy us for their own good.  They were wrong and their actions were horrendous!  The pain they inflected in incalculable.

I have great compassion for what you have written about here, for what you are uncovering.  I admire the work you are doing.  It is crucile to your healing and it is powerful.

[Leah]

Long story short, she didn't want me to heal - to have my own "I". Because then, she couldn't have used me to live the life she wanted - for herself - through me. She couldn't have kept me parenting her & my brother - and I would've expected her (no, demanded) that she parent me; she knew she couldn't. So she took advantage of my mental/emotional confusion...

...and the only "why" answer I can decipher, is that she doesn't have an "I". That's why she calls and rattles off an hour's worth of trivial nonsense, blames everyone else for the "wrongs" she sees/suffers, why she whines about her doctors, her health... this pumps up the illusion that she has an "I". And like the dutiful daughter, I've let her rattle on... not seeing that this is detrimental to me if I don't actively protect myself. She's getting validated through my listening... but she's not real; she's a false self who can be shattered by a couple of kids arguing.

She doesn't acknowledge feelings, personal boundaries, or even that people are individuals with their own "I"... because that would mean facing her own lack. She fears feelings, because without an "I" - the feelings overwhelm, consume & devour. It's only that cohesive "I" that can contain strong emotion without being "lost" in them and still function.

The core of your post is about your mother not having an "I" and doing damage to cover it up.  That is the core of my story.  That is the core of many stories here on this board.  This is so powerful to me. It is becoming clearer and clearer how important it is to acknowledge to ourselves how wretched our parents were, how self serving their actions were and how, in their twisted minds, they felt compelled to destroy us for their own good.  They were wrong and their actions were horrendous!  The pain they inflected in incalculable.

I have great compassion for what you have written about here, for what you are uncovering.  I admire the work you are doing.  It is crucile to your healing and it is powerful.

Powerful statement, such liberating truth.

(((( Amber ))))    ((((( Shame Slayer ))))))


Love, Leah

[gratitude28]

Amber,
So much of what you have written here is a copy of my life. As you know, I too opened the door this week. Ugh!!! It's worse that a buzz saw I think!
Your mom blaming her health problems on others is so reminiscent of my family. They look at other people who get sick and think (or say) - 'He/she must have deserved it. They must have done something to make themselves sick.' But if it is them, it is because of bad genes or a temporary setback, or stress... never the fact that they are overweight and undisciplined and greedy and selfish. I really think that those who are so selfish are the ones who end up giing themselves whatever they want and ruining their health... So they try some fad diet, or take medicine, but never go to the root of the problem.
Along with your line of thought here, I have been thinking lately that I 'apologize' to my parents a lot for what they do wrong. For example, they will call and say they are late with presents for the kids or some such thing. I always jump in to say, 'Oh, it's OK. She won't mind.' Or they will say they have been to busy to be in contact or some such shit. And I APOLOGIZE TO THEM. How crazy is that? They abuse us and I apologize???????? So that is where I am also like you - I take their crap. This is one more thing I am going to work on. I will no longer say, OK. I will either be silent, or, if I am strong, just avoid all contact period.
(((((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))))
You are so much farther along now than you have ever been. Don't let a little setback discourage you.
Love, Beth

[sKePTiKal]

Ah Beth - I think you're getting there, and quickly too!

One thing I just now realized... the phone call didn't trigger feelings from the past - even tho' I connected her description of dealing with my niece & nephew, with what she did to us so long ago -

no, the feeling I had was a present hurt, disgust & anger... this is what I think shifted: no longer processing the old feelings, now I'm dealing with the ones in the present. Because the phone call was an exquisite specimen of how we're still doing the same dance together - mom & me... and while I can't change a thing about what happened in the past, I sure do have a lot of say NOW.

One of my artistic skills is being able to pick out patterns in complexity... and I'm continually astounded reading everyone's unique, specific set of circumstances, that there seem to be exactly the same kinds of mind-games being played... for mostly the same kinds of reasons. There ought to be a law against it! But, I wonder how in the world it would ever be proved? Most of the time, there is no physical evidence... only common sets of "symptoms"...

[lighter]

Oh, Amber....

I hope you can stay centered and keep your distance.

It's so hard to do things differently but....

if anyone can,

you can.

(((Amber)))

This is one more step to freedom.

Make a plan.... then follow it.

Lighter