Is it just me or do others feel this way as well.....

[Gaining Strength]

SS-I know you know.....

I do know.  This is what i have to say - take it for what it is worth -

you are doing good work.   Do not give up even though you are frustrated and feel stuck.  no not give up.  One day (not soon enough)  suddenly things will shift and something will give and then you will have moved forward in a real way.  And then the process will begin again but each subsequent process is easier than the last.  Don't give up.  Never give up.  You are making progress even if is doesn't seem so.

I have learned so much from the experience of when I pushed too hard.  I am learning through that experience to be more patient with my own healing.  It is never fast enough but I won't give up.  i won't sacrifice because it is too slow.  never give up.

[Overcomer]

Thanks for the response, SS.  It is this feeling of being buried.  And since I have gotten older and heavier it is impossible to keep up with all the chores.  I tire easier.  I do not have the stamina I used to have.  When I was younger I could put on some rock music and clean the entire house in a couple of hours.  I mean, dust and vacuum and toilets and organize the kids rooms.  Now I can barely do anything before I am sore and winded.....

I am in limbo.  I have washed my hands of work.  I come in work a couple of hours and leave.  I am running my d to therapy.  Another thing my mom instigated and I have to work into my schedule.  I have decided that the boundaries go up outside of work as well.  "Mom, I appreciate what you are trying to do but if I want advise I will ask you for it."  OR "Mom, from now on anything you think would benefit C..... you will have to make all the arrangements AND drive her there and pay for it."  I just cannot be jerked around by her.............it is always something.  If she cannot get me at work she condemns me for not doing everything in my power to help my d.  I asked her what does she want from me?  Does she want me to be all things to ALL people?????

She is alienating me.......I am slipping away and she feels it but she keeps on pushing me and pushing me........the older she gets the more she feels obliged to push.  She drives me crazy!!!

[Hopalong]

It's not just you, Kel...you really are overwhelmed.

I am a firm believer in the capacity of humans to regenerate their health and rejuvenate their spirits. It's very hard to conceive of when you're in the grip of depression, but that doesn't change the physical/metaphysical laws that prove you CAN do it.

In the shorter term, every time I read of your pain and frustration and try to visualize your life, one thing comes up over and over, for me. Simplifying your life. I keep thinking you may be trapped in stuff, in space, in busyness.

There are a ton of books and sites and resources that have come from people who have likewise hit burnout with frustrating jobs, overwork, too much responsibility (not to mention alcoholic mates). Here's just one, and I hope some idea sparks a sense of hope:

http://zenhabits.net/2007/09/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life/

If these don't fit, read others. There are hundreds. There's in fact a "movement" called Voluntary Simplicity that is growing in popularity.

love,
Hops

[Overcomer]

I went to the link and found some very good ideas.  I guess my stress comes from the fact that at 5 am I start.  There is getting the kids up and ready.  Getting myself ready.  Driving my d to school and then going to work.  Then my work is stressful.  Then I go pick up my d.  And drive her to therapy.  Then I get my AH 45 minutes.  I run home.....lie in bed and take a break.  Then I go back and get her.  Then I go home, pack lunches, go do laundry, straighten the house up.  Go to a track banquet, leave early and go to a 7th grade choral concert...........then go home and make sure my d is showered and help her shave her armpits.  Go to bed and do something just about the same the next day.  It is morning until night running and doing.  I do not suffer from materialism per se.  I am too heavy to go shopping and buy clothes off the rack.  I hate the way I look so it does not give me pleasure.

So that is why I get scared to think of another job.  At my present job I work 25 hours per week and get great pay.  The down side is that the 25 hours make me crazy.  Part of me thinks that 45 per week at a sane place would almost be a reprieve.....but what if it is not???  I could hire someone to run my d around.....teach her that she will not cut herself shaving if she is careful.....

I have four pets.  You may say get rid of them................simplify..............but I love them.  They give me joy......

Last night we went to a Cubs game for my d's 21st birthday...........even the thought of that was a bit overwhelming.  It was fun but we left early and still didn't get to bed until after 11............I called in sick today.............to the bookkeeper!

[Hopalong]

I hear you. Good lord, Kel, who wouldn't be unhealthy on a treadmill like that?
(Of course keep the pups!)

Could you start thinking about hiring some household help?
I have someone who comes twice a month to do the basics, because of my back. She does my laundry.

It's embarrassing but it helps so much. I'd give up a lot of other things, before that.

If you can afford it, I hope you'll do it.
And I wish there were a carpool for your daughter, so you'd have one turn a week, not every morning...

Keep thinking about it. There ARE ways to slow it down and simplify.
I know you can do it, and I know you'll be healthier and happier.

You deserve it.

love to you,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Hops:  I DO have cleaning ladies that come in every other Tuesday.....it has been a LIFE SAVER!!  I have never had one until this house.  I told my h if he can afford to smoke, I can afford cleaning ladies...........!!!

I have continued to apply for several jobs.  The newest one I think I may be excited about.  It is a branch manager of a bank!!  I keep worrying about getting the job at Border's and having to work until 11 pm on a Friday or Saturday night.  Probably work a lot of evenings and weekends and at this point in my life that just worries me.  I think to myself, "since I am usually asleep by 10 pm, how in the heck am I going to work until Midnight?"  Not that I will not pursue it if they call me back.  The only thing that would happen to have them call me back is if they hire the existing sales manager......if they hire anyone else - I am out.

But back to the bank.  My friend is an assistant VP of a bank and I have always envied her.  She works pretty good "bankers hours" and makes good money.  I would love to work days and on Saturday only until noon......no Sundays......

And the carpool suggestion, Hops?  This is what happened.  We lived in a northern suburb.  We moved to a north central suburb because I wanted my d with autism to go to the Christian school that her sisters had attended.  The Christian school is about a mile away.  They do not have a special education program but are talking about it.  So while they are getting their acts together I have open enrolled her to the school district that she has been in since first grade.  I would never put her in another one...............kids can be so mean and so many of these kids have known her for years and understand her.  So there is no one else going that way, if you know what I mean.....it hurts the pocket book too with the price of gas....

But if I get another job I will probably have to hire someone to drive her around since I will have a less flexible schedule....

[Ami]

I see what you mean,Kelly, about being "stuck" with your M. At least your hours are flexible. It would be scary to have ALL that responsibility and the job restrictions, too.
 It is a VERY hard Catch 22. I can seee that better,now, Kelly.   Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

The new job is coming, Kel.

Well, it's not coming, you're going out to get it. BRAVO.

Could your daughter safely ride a bike to school?

Would build a habit of physical exercise and self-esteem.

Depends on where you live, her abilities.

xo
Hops

[Overcomer]

Oh never.  The back of our house backs to Highway 6................(yes, a bonafide highway....)  They have to cross that to get to the Christian school.  There is a stop light.  D with autism is probably five miles away from old school district.  And I always worry about some pedophile grabbing her.  She is pretty vulnerable in that her verbal skills are not good.  I do not think she would be able to articulate things......I did get her a cell phone so she can get ahold of me.  Now she calls me at 3 in the morning during thunderstorms so I have to go into her room and sleep with her...   I know I will work it out when the new job comes.  There has to be someone who could go pick her up.  Or she could go play at a friend's house in the old school district until I could pick her up.  I could pay that family....

[debkor]

Hey Kell,

Do you think Mom could lay you off for awhile so you can get unemployment.  Meanwhile you could rest up look for a job with less stress and more sleep.  I have a friend who got laid off and collected and the offered her I think a two year course at any approved training she wanted to either extend her skills or completely change them.  You could try that too.

I also did a temp service years ago.  I loved it and wound up staying at a job I was temp to permanent. It was good because you get to feel the places and people out first.

Maybe you could work something out like that with your mom too.  When temp has work you don't work with mom and when not you do your 25 hours. 

Or is there something you can do at home with the job and just go in for a hour or two maybe twice a week for a meeting or something. 


Love
Deb

[Changes]

Dear Overcomer-

It seems that you have all of the responsibility, and not the authority you need and deserve.  It sounds like you have to fit yourself around what others set up as your duties - that cannot be inspring or enjoyable. If you read a recent post by Our Izzy, she mentions looking for a place for herself abd her daughter, and she found one that felt right for her- not the fanciest but the one that felt right. You deserve to choose what feels right to you and pursue that, rather than be set up in a game where you have the clock ticking from the crack of dawn, and must do such and such set up bt others until bedtime, and the test of whether you are "good" or not, is how many of the assigned tasks you have done, etc. Caring , love and loyalty have been  large part of the equation, but it's okay to be loving, caring and loyal to yourself too!!!

There is a great saying for caregivers- "You must take the oxygen first!" In other words, you must have what you need first in order to do what is needed for others. You need the self-care, inspiration and joy of living in order to model that for your children, and in order to be the happy heart of your family. You need to take care of your physical being so that you can do what you need to physically. You need your life-set up to be conducive to your life, and you need to have support and love in your life- and you deserve it.

Maybe start in small ways- join a really nice women's gym or hiking club, and take daily exercise in a lovely atmosphere- this could be the start of so many things freeing up for you. Hang out with people who see you as you really are, not some drudge who is there to burden with orders and not to be seen as an individual. A new job with friends and respect and boundaries- sounds so good. You are searching, like Izzy for her new home- and you will find what feels good to YOU!!!

Love,

Changing

[Overcomer]

Yes, I live in a treadmill.  I am taking Jazzercise and that is so much fun.  It is exercise but I also get to act like I used to when I was a cheerleader!!  Speaking of that, I graduated from high school 30 years ago today!!  It was funny.  This hot guy and I started going out the day before graduation so after graduation he had his parent's conversion van.  We had a cooler with lots of champagne and other drinks.  We parked in a parking lot and were ready to start drinking when the cops came up and confiscated all our alcohol!!!!

I think we did get lucky, however!!  Just a memory.....kinda funny!!