Shame Slayer

[Lupita]

SS e mailed me and asked me for help. I am very flattered that she thought I am doing good. I am not. I am full of bad stuff. But we can heal together and help eachother.

Dear SS, thank you so much for your vote of confidence. I am sure that Hopalong and Lighter and Lea, will have very good advice for you.

Did you have an N maother? Are you familiar with the "Never good enough" stuff?

What is hurting you right now?

Are you familiar with the Golgiluck syndrome, too cold, too hot, too soft, too hard. etc and because we do not feel comotable with our self, nothing feels comfortable?

I ahve been running around all my life from place to place. This time I decided to stay. Dont know how.

Thank you so much for writing.

Please feel free to share, we will love you and give you support.

God bless you!

[Lupita]

I was reading your posts, now I feel shame that I asked you things that you have written about.

The paralysis, I am working on that.

It sinks in your brain little by little. And suddenly I started acting out of the nowhere. Out of the blue.

Listening to tapes so good.

Please start with Louise Hay "Loving your slef"

Stop terrorizing your self with frightening thoughts.

Wayn Dyer, you teach others how to treat you by putting up with their s*it.

When somebody starts doing something offensive, just throw a bounday immediately. If you cant do it because fo the paralysis, jusy think about it and plan to do it next time.

The next time you act a little bit faster. Until you do it automatically.

Yesterday I told GFM, I have to go, after half hour of putting up with her BS, I said, I have to go, and hanged up. It took me half hour but I did it. Next time I will do it sooner.

[Gaining Strength]

Are you familiar with the "Never good enough" stuff?
Lupita, I am not familiar with this.  Have you been posting about it?  Point me in the right direction!!!!

Way to go to draw boundaries with GFM!!!  That is huge and I am glad for you. 

I definitely think we can all heal together.  Sometimes even when I am struggling I "see" something in someone else's post or struggle and it opens my eyes to what helps me!!!
  I have never been able to reach out for help in the past because early in my life I was conditioned by my parents to be shamed for my needs and my neediness.  When I had a wound my parents figuratively rub salt in those wounds.  I would say, " I need help.  I have made this mistake." And my father would say, "You made your bed, now you lie in it!"  Or he would say, "You get what you deserve."  As a mother I cannot even imagine not helping my child out of the pain he is in.  I am learning each day to help him more and more and I believe that this will heal my inner child as well.  Yesterday he wanted a little toy.  I told he I would give it to him as a reward for academic work in the summer.  He was very tired as he has been sick recently.  he did not want to go to baseball practice but he had a responsibility to his teammates.  I decided to get it for him as a reward for digging deep and giving baseball practice his all.  So we went to get the toy but the store had just closed!!!  He went into a great decline and cried and cried and cried.  Rathere than getting impatient with him I bathed him with thoughts of love and compassion for his disappointment.  I did that for 1/2 hour while we went to the store to get popsicles for the team after practice, while we drove to the  ball park and the crying didn't stop.  I remembered being lonely as a child when I was deeply upset - sometimes legitimately and sometimes not  - but either way I needed someone to care about MY feelings.  So yesterday I cared about HIS feelings and it felt great.  At one point I had to put my foot down but for a full 1/2 hour I felt compassion for his disappointment.

I am going to do more of that and then after full compassion then I will draw a boundary.  Later on the way home my little boy apologized for his behavior.  I felt certain that it was because I had felt compassion for his disappointment first and fully and only then did I draw a limit.  I can learn so much about myself as I deal with him.

Thanks so much for your help Lupita.

[Juno]

I am going to do more of that and then after full compassion then I will draw a boundary.  Later on the way home my little boy apologized for his behavior.  I felt certain that it was because I had felt compassion for his disappointment first and fully and only then did I draw a limit.  I can learn so much about myself as I deal with him.

You also let him have his feelings and they could run their course.  I think this is very important.  Drawing the boundary is very important too.  It gave him the chance to switch gears and move on from his disappointment.  You will both learn and grow together.  He will look back and value that very much, I expect.

[Hopalong]

GOOD mothering, SS...

I am moved to realize that you were able to be present with your son's feelings.
And to see you see what a positive thing that was, what a difference it made.

This builds trust, lets him process and grow to be his real self.

You are giving him exactly what was denied you.

You have stopped the cycle.

BRAVO!

love to you,
Hops

[Lupita]

http://www.nevergoodenough.com/index.asp


"Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" (the book) gives a voice
to the
feelings these daughters have buried, offers them
insight into the
origins of their pain, and provides a blueprint for
healing that can
be personally tailored to each reader. Will I Ever Be
Good Enough?
explains the narcissistic mother dynamics to adult
daughters and
provides them with strategies so that they can begin
to overcome
their legacy of distorted love and enjoy their lives
more fully.

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of
Narcissistic
Mothers, is a self-help book written for adult
daughters of
narcissistic mothers. In this book, Dr. Karyl McBride
is sharing her
years of clinical and personal research to help
daughters heal."

For the past seventeen years, Dr. McBride has been
involved in
private research concerning children of narcissistic
parents, with a
primary focus on women raised by narcissistic mothers.
She has
treated many daughters of narcissistic mothers in her
private
practice.

Additional information on services provided and
background
experience can be found on Dr. McBride's private
practice website at
www.karylmcbridephd.com.

Dr. McBride will be available for workshops, talks and
media
appearances on the topic of maternal narcissism after
the
publication and release of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Contact Dr. McBride

Office number: 303-420-9565
Email address: dr.mcbride@att.net

[Leah]

Thanks, Lupita

for posting "never good enough" .............. just had a look at the site .....


http://www.nevergoodenough.com/survey.asp

Survey

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. McBride's book.

(Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)
Please feel free to print this page

___1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she or did she divert the discussion to talk about herself?

___2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she or did she try to top the feeling with her own?

___3. Does or did your mother act jealous of you?

___4. Does or did your mother lack empathy for your feelings?

___5. Does or did your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a "good mother"?

___6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?

___7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?

___8. Does or did your mother only do things for you when others can see?

___9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does or did your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?

___10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?

___11. Does or did your mother deny her own feelings?

___12. Does or did your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?

___13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?

___14. Did or do you feel you were a slave to your mother?

___15. Did or do you feel you were responsible for your mother's ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?

___16. Did you have to take care of your mother's physical needs as a child?

___17. Did or do you feel unaccepted by your mother?

___18. Did or do you feel your mother was critical of you?

___19. Did or do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?

___20. Were or are you shamed often by your mother?

___21. Did or do you feel your mother knows the real you?

___22. Did or does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?

___23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?

___24. Did or does your mother appear phony to you?

___25. Did or does your mother want to control your choices?

___26. Did or does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?

___27. Did or do you feel you had to take care of your mother's emotional needs as a child?\

___28. Did or do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?

___29. Did or do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?

___30. Was or is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?

___31. Does or did your mother make you act different from how you really feel?

___32. Does your mother compete with you?

___33. Does or did your mother always have to have things her way?



YES!  Mother!

[Hopalong]

ow

ow

ow

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, Hops: ow! ow! ow!

I have to answer all of the above, Leah.... ALL OF THE ABOVE.

[Lupita]

From a friend who does not mind that I share this with you.

I found this today.

The Quest for Personal Power (Full Circle) by Phil Nuernberger

There are three destructive conditions of the mind: fear, self-
hatred and loneliness. They are like fire-breathing dragons that
usurp the creative force of the mind and corrupt our resources,
creating disease, unhappiness, and suffering. They seem to be so
powerful that we feel helpless before them. We don't realize that we
ourselves are the source of their power, and that we can take it
away from them.

""Self-hatred: the other side of misery

At times it seems that we are masters of creating misery. When we
aren't worrying about whether or not something awful is going to
happen to us, we remember all the hurts, mistakes, and failures in
our past. In other words, when we aren't preoccupied with someone or
something attacking us, we turn around and attack ourselves. We
seldom live up to expectations, we are never quite good enough no
matter how good we get, and we keep making the same old mistakes.

We suffer from guilt, continually find fault with ourselves, condemn
ourselves for not living up to our own or someone else's
expectations. These are all part of the dragon of self-hatred. After
so many failures, mistakes, and broken dreams we begin to give up on
ourselves and on life. Some of us become depressed, withdrawn, and
passive, accepting whatever life gives as a cruel joke that we must
endure. Others, angry with themselves, become angry at the world.
They become cranky and hostile, taking out their own misery on
others.

Like fear, self-hatred is a habit of the mind, an arbitrary way of
looking at life and at oneself that leads only to further mistakes,
poor performance, and unhappiness. When someone else attacks you, at
least you have the opportunity to conquer your adversary by
mobilizing the body's defenses. But when you attack yourself, there
is no outcome but defeat. You cannot win in a battle against
yourself; you only create conflict and suffering. Instead of
mobilizing your body's systems to defend yourself, you become
depressed, passive and withdrawn.

Attacking ourselves is only a habit of the mind, a consequence of
the way we learned to see ourselves as we grew up. We can always
find many reasons to punish ourselves for the mistakes we make and
the expectations we fail to realize. Like fear, the dragon of self-
hatred feeds on our lack of self-awareness and skill. We strengthen
the dragon by constantly reminding ourselves of our weaknesses and
mistakes.

But as long as we continue to feed this dragon of self-hatred by
paying attention to it, it continues to breathe fire and create
misery for us. The secret is to stop feeding the dragon by
experiencing your own inner strength and beauty. You can't create
self-esteem by constantly telling yourself that you are a wonderful
person.

[Overcomer]

When Dr. McBride's book comes out I am buying it!  She interviewed me for the book!!!   She told me the names and specifics will be changed but I still cannot wait to read parts of my story imbedded in the book!!!!

I have visions of post it noting the parts about me and putting it on my mom's desk and seeing if she notices the similarities!

[Lupita]

Self-Hate


In Neurosis and Human Growth, Karen Horney explains how the pride system generates self-hate.

"Briefly, when an individual shifts his center of gravity to his idealized self, he not only exalts himself but also is bound to look at his actual self -- all that he is at a given time, body, mind, healthy and neurotic -- from a wrong perspective. The glorified self becomes not only a phantom to be pursued; it also becomes a measuring rod with which to measure his actual being. And this actual being is such an embarrassing sight when viewed from the perspective of a godlike perfection that he cannot but despise it. Moreover, what is dynamically more important, the human being which he actually is keeps interfering -- significantly -- with his flight to glory, and therefore he is bound to hate it, to hate himself. And since pride and self-hate are actually one entity, I suggest calling the sum total of the factors involved by a common name: the pride system" (Horney, 1950, pp. 110-11).


"Horney (1950) recognized six major ways in which people express self-hatred. First, self-hatred may result in relentless demands on the self, which are exemplified by the tyranny of the should" (Feist, pg. 256).

"The second mode of expressing self-hatred is merciless self-accusation" (pg. 256).

"Third, self-hatred may take the form of self-contempt, which might be expressed as belittling, disparaging, doubting, discrediting, and ridiculing oneself" (pg. 256).

"A fourth expression of self-hatred is self-frustration" (pg. 256).

"Fifth, self-hatred may be manifested as self-torment or self-torture. Although self-torment can exist in each of the other forms of self-hatred, it becomes a separate category when people's main intention is to inflict harm or suffering on themselves. Some people attain masochistic satisfaction by anguishing over a decision, exaggerating the pain of a headache, cutting themselves with a knife, starting a fight that they are sure to lose, or inviting physical abuse" (pg. 257).

"The sixth and final form of self-hatred is self-destructive actions and impulses, which may be either physical or psychological, conscious or unconscious, acute or chronic, carried out in action or enacted only in the imagination. Overeating, abusing alcohol and other drugs, working too hard, driving recklessly, and suicide are common expressions of physical self-destruction. Neurotics may also attack themselves psychologically, for example, quitting a job just when it begins to be fulfilling,m breaking off a healthy relationship in favor of a neurotic one, or engaging in promiscuous activities" (pg. 257).


"Horney believes we can witness four consequences of self-hatred. One is a compulsive need to compare self with others. Typically, the result is a 'comparative inferiority'" (Cooper, pg. 136).

"Another consequence of self-hate is a hypersensitivity to criticism, and hence, an excessive vulnerability in our relationships" (pg. 137).

"Still another consequence of self-hate is allowing too much abuse from others" (pg. 137).

"The last consequence of self-hate is the compulsive need to alleviate self-contempt with attention, regard, appreciation or admiration from others" (pg. 139).

[Lupita]

Hey SS, where are you??????????

Can you post more in my GFM thread? Your help is appreciated!!!