Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Newbie, surfacing....

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BlueTopaz:
Totally ditto for me on both counts Phoenix hehehe...

DenmarkGuy:
Michelle, thanks for the welcome! I'm just hoping to find others who somehow "get" it.

Bunny, thanks-- I think "benign" is really just a figure of speech to distinguish "passive" abuse from more "active" abuse. My childhood (and much of my adult life) has really been shaped more by "an absence of," rather than "lots of" experience/feeling. Think "bubble boy."

Seeker, thanks for the encouraging words, and the book recommendation. Someone else suggested that book a few years ago, so maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something.

This is all a very interesting process, and one that has been going on since my last 20's/early 30's when I first became aware that something "wasn't quite right." Somewhere in there I became aware that my ex's "push-pull" emotionality and undercurrent of "entitlement" was just a re-run of BOTH my mom and dad. Up to that point, I had just maintained "family values" which meant "Problems? What problems? We don't HAVE problems in OUR family." In a sense, I am thankful for my genetic coding-- as an intuitive, empath and "feeler" I somehow "got" that things weren't right. The "downside," I suppose, is that I stuck out like sore thumb in a family that was all about "the outward appearance of things" and who considered anyone who talked about feelings to be "hysterical" and psychologists to be "quacks." It certainly meant a lot of miscommunication:

Me: Mom, I feel really sad.
Mom: But we bought you a new bike just last week!
Me: Sigh.

My worry, though, is somewhat about "getting trapped in analysis." It has been 15 years since I started this ostensible "journey to the self," and whereas I certainly have gained a high level of awareness, there seem to be many areas in which the infamous "repetition compulsion" runs strong. It's easy to point fingers at others and look for common denominators in my choices.... but ultimately I am the "common denominator." I may be able to recognize a personality disorder at 60 paces, but have I become a more integrated person? In a Zen-like sort of way, I ponder the question "Does the absence of failure necessarily imply the presence of success?" I feel like I might know how to "avoid disaster," in choices and relationships.... but that, alone, doesn't feel like much of ANYthing.

Just rambling, here....

--Peter

Portia:
Hi Peter and hello from me: 42 year old only child abused by emotional neglect and other difficult to pin-down stuff. No therapy, 8 months here, still very much learning.

I felt sad reading about you in Southern Spain. I can imagine, I have a good idea about the type of place. I was moved age 12 to a remote countryside place, tourist location but very isolated, people spoke Welsh. Folks have said ‘it must have been great, being by the sea’. And I think how lovely, southern Spain, I really like Spain. But I realise it must have been grim for you.

You reminded me, I must ask my mother why she used to say: “Oh I’ve met lots of psychiatrists and they’re all mad!” in that dismissive way. She comes from a working class northern England background – maybe she went to parties with them? I must ask! Fascinating. She might deny saying it.

Your comment: "Does the absence of failure necessarily imply the presence of success?"

No and I feel like I’m stuck in the absence of failure. And I keep procrastinating about making the next move, like getting a job. A different job to those I’ve had before. What do I want? I’m working out who I am, what I want, what I’m capable of….all the stuff I didn’t learn about myself as a kid.

But then again, is life about failure and success? Or just about living? And learning? I don’t want ‘success’ as such. I guess it’s about what these terms mean to us?....what do they mean to you?  P

bunny:

--- Quote from: DenmarkGuy ---My worry, though, is somewhat about "getting trapped in analysis." It has been 15 years since I started this ostensible "journey to the self," and whereas I certainly have gained a high level of awareness, there seem to be many areas in which the infamous "repetition compulsion" runs strong. It's easy to point fingers at others and look for common denominators in my choices.... but ultimately I am the "common denominator." I may be able to recognize a personality disorder at 60 paces, but have I become a more integrated person? In a Zen-like sort of way, I ponder the question "Does the absence of failure necessarily imply the presence of success?" I feel like I might know how to "avoid disaster," in choices and relationships.... but that, alone, doesn't feel like much of ANYthing.
--- End quote ---


Peter,

Hi. My philosophy is: I plan to be in therapy for as long as insurance holds out and I can afford it. I was screwed up in childhood with 'benign' abuse. I will never be totally functional as a result. For me, it's like having some chronic medical condition that requires constant maintenance. I don't have any negative judgment about interminable therapy.

Not sure what you mean by success. Can you elaborate?

bunny

DenmarkGuy:

--- Quote from: Portia ---
No and I feel like I’m stuck in the absence of failure. And I keep procrastinating about making the next move, like getting a job. A different job to those I’ve had before. What do I want? I’m working out who I am, what I want, what I’m capable of….all the stuff I didn’t learn about myself as a kid.

But then again, is life about failure and success? Or just about living? And learning? I don’t want ‘success’ as such. I guess it’s about what these terms mean to us?....what do they mean to you?  P
--- End quote ---


Portia, thanks for the welcome! The south of Spain is lovely. I can go there today and visit, and recognize it as "lovely," but I also understand that a location is no more than a "container" for a life.

"Failure" and "Success," as I used them, are merely figures of speech. A former therapist once told me that people basically have two strategies in life: Either they move AWAY from pain, or they move TOWARDS pleasure. From the outside, they look very similar, but the internal motivations are quite different. My life (and I expect those of many other voiceless people) is dominated by "moving away from." That's what I mean when I talk about the "absence of failure." I know how to be "good enough" (in virtually every aspect of life) that I won't attract negative attention. Figuratively speaking, I "choose the shoes" because I know they won't hurt my feet, and not because I just loooove the shoes. My protective mechanism is to avoid "failure," prevent pain, avoid letdown.

It's just a guess, but I'd not be surprised if your mother's comment about psychiatrists has its roots in a profound fear of ANYone who might be able to look through her protective veils and see what's really inside. I have come to understand that my mother is scared to death of objectively looking at the truth of her own life. By dismissing that which she fears as "rubbish," she takes away the threat.

What does "failure" mean to me? These days, it increasingly means the result of "selling out." Failure means I've not been true to myself. Failure means I am letting someone else's voice control mine. Failure means I have subjugated my dreams, wants and desires to someone else's. Failure means I've chickened out of looking at "uncomfortable" feelings and truths of my life. Failure means "faking it" that I am OK, when I am really not.

What does "success" mean to me? I am not sure, yet. I think it means living the second half of my life in an authentic way. I think it means embracing the reality that I am a little "different" from many people, and I do have a somewhat "different" story than most. Success means that I have said "Yes, I am this person," and accepting that maybe only 5% of the world can relate to that. And maybe it's about focusing on the joy of connecting with that 5%, rather than struggling with pleasing the other 95%.

It certainly doesn't have anything to do with money, houses, cars, material wealth, status or any of that stuff.

--Peter

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