sixth period

[Lupita]

Thanks Lighter.

Today I had the semester exam with sexth period.

The usual classroom terrorists started to disrupt. One was using his cell phone and I asked him to give it to me. He had no choice and gave it to me. At that point, I am so slow, that I did not relize that his bot was mine. The second classroom terrorist started disrupting with the help of the first one. So, I started saying, of you do not quiet down I will call the office and you will take tyour exam in the office. That will isolated her and she would not be able to chat witrh the others  because even if there is an exam they still cheat, in some way with the eyes, they are too many and I cannot watch them all the time. So, she quieted down ofr a moment. The first CT then started again. At that moment, Slow Me, I wrote a note, I did not know yet that I had his bot, that his botwas mine. So, I wrote a note and it said "If you keep disrupting my class, you will not get your phone back. your phone is going to the office. If you are quiet I will give it to you after the exam" He immediately quieted down, not a single word until the bell rang. The other, only disrupted when she had the support of the other so, she had to quiet down too. The rest of the time was glory to me. At least I had one success in so much time.

I do not have to see sixth period again, never again. But now in retrospectiove, I do not hate them, I only dislike their behavior, but not them, they are not that bad, they just do not want to work and they would do anything to be able not to work, even if they have to drive the teacher miserable.

Well, end of the year, three more days going to school but no more students. Jus doing othre things. Grades, cleaning, etc.

End of this thread too.

One more thing in the past. Hope I can really leave it in the past and not dwell in it like I did with other problems.

Thank you for your support.

God bless you.

[Lupita]

Despite that I did a good job, despite that I did not do anything wrong, I feel such a failure, I feel so sad. So empty.

I know I did not want to go back to that school, despite that I have been dreaming to obtain a job in a public school, I feel so sad, such a failure.

I thought it was over, I still have so much pain to heal caused by these people. I feel they are so unfair. I feel I lost the battle, I feel they are bad, very bad.

I finished strong anyway.

The elementary principal offered me a good reference. She promised me a good reference and told me that I did a wonderful job in the elementary and the piano lessons.

At least I get that. I am very thankful because the elementary teacher is a good person after all.

But I know that the employees there, sent their own children to cause problems for me. That is what makes me sad.

The students that paid for their education caused very few problems. It was the students that were there for free who were all the time causing problems. 

I know that these people never liked me. I will never know why they disliked me so much. I just worked very hard and did a good job teaching my students. My students learned a lot. I have prove of it.

Still I feel so sad. I know I do not have to go back there. I have to start another chapter in my life. I thought it was over. But I have so much pain, so much pain. And I have to find a new job. A job in a public school. I need to have confidence. I need to have peace.

But I feel such a failure. A failure to get friends that so much need. I feel these Christian people are so selfish.

I feel so sad. Only God can help me. I have to trust that God will help me. These people killed the little self esteem I had, if I had some. Probably I had none. Or I would have not let them abuse me so much. I shouldhave quit since last year. For some reason I wanted to stay.

I do that all the time. People abuse me and I stay and stay despite the abuse. After they abuse me they start to hate me. And I stay and stay despite the abuse and the hate.

I feel so sad. Sad vacation this year. On top I have to find a new job. They did so much damage to me, so much. And I let them do it. I allowed them to abuse me. I have done that all my life.

 

[sea storm]

Dear Lupita,

I am so sorry you have had a year from Hell.  Please do not blame yourself. If I was a kid I would have loved your class and I bet you touched many kids with your sensitivity and kindness.

I have been a teacher in the system and have seen that people who gravitate toward administrative positions are often Narcissists. i cant say this is so in your case but the lack of support and the scapegoating sounds horrible.  And there are classes that are so toxic that no one could cope with them.  Add to that the system of privilege and you have a recipe for a nightmare.

What I hear between your words is the sound of major stress and burnout.  This is not something one can just snap out of. You need a major rest.  If there is a way you could teach adults, they are much easier to deal with.  Do you live in a big city or are you stuck with a limited job market?

I always read your posts and I am rooting for you , Lupita.  You are a survivor and a very smart woman. Right now you have been beaten down all year.  There is so much hypocrisy in schools that it makes me want to .......... scream, puke, throw my hands up etc.  I visit many schools as an itinerant counsellor and crisis interventionist.  Teachers develop walls and the less empathy they have the more efficient and more bureaucratically useful they are. If you aren't like this,then you stand out as different.  I have given up competely on finding kindred spirits at work.  I meet friends when I go to a workshop on Tibetan Buddhism or Art therapy but not at school.  Your sensitivity is like a lightening rod that puts you in the minority. It is all so self perpetuating.

You can talk all you want about your job and don't have to sound all cheery about it. I don't think the general public have any idea what kind of energetic voltage it takes to handle two hundred kids a day.  every day. I think it is sort of like putting on a one act play every day.  Maybe more.

You sound a bit unravelled and not believing in yourself. This is a job, just a frigging job.  Its a crummy job at that. Nevertheless, teaching skillls are very highly regarded in lots of other professions.

I don't know what to say really except hang in there. The school year is nearly done.  What an endurance race to the end. If you teach in an independent school, you may qualify for employment assistance.  that would help in finding another job.


Lots of love to you,

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))

Ditto everything Sea Storm said.

Especially about the burnout.
You so need a break. Some extended deep rest.

You have been stretched so far, too far.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

I don't know what happens when we become too stretched over too great a surface, without support and healing....

but I have a pretty good idea.

Everybody struggles.

No one feels appreciated.

These are standard North American facts of life.

How we cope, recover and move on.....

that's the real story of our lives.

You made it through med school.

You made it out of a bad marriage.

You managed to raise your child alone.....

 and he's grown into a wonderful young man.

You've been surviving your FOO, while working on transcending it.

I can't imagine the amount of energy you must have....

to have come so far under the circumstances you've been burdened with... ESL on top of it.

You're an amazing person working on becoming an extraordinary being.

 Imagine how wise you'll be once you actually transcend.

Keep working on that.....

imagine what you could do with that energy if it was bent on joy and life.....

instead of survival.

Pray that God helps you to help yourself and

to see the truth more clearly, Lupita.

Pray to Mother Mary.... she's very powerful.

Lighter

[Lupita]

The son of the librarian stold exams using the key of his mother. Nothing happened to those two. I am the one that has to leave because they do not make life possible.

Well, I ate a complete jar of pinout butter. Complete. And took three pills to sleep and a drink. I slept very well. Was sad when I got up. But started sending resumes already.

One salsa class mate works in another school She told me to send a cover letter for her school and she will show it and will correct my errors. Also another friend is going to help me with letters. I mean the Englisch corrections. This accountatn for this school will try to get me an interview if the cover letter that I send reflects what she is looking for. She was honest.

Also, another retiree teacher of Spanish wants me to call her at 12:30 today and talk to me. She said that if and opening comes in her county she might be able to help. So, something will come. I have to have faith.

Sea, thank you for your time, your encouragement. Hops thank you for being my friend. Lighter, thank you, you are a wonderful writer.

I am listening to Louise Hay right now on free from stress.

I am going to see that guy that Hop send me the web site today at four.

God takes care of thebirds. he will take care of me.

The choir director told me yesterday that I do not follow very well and that I do not watch her as much as she would like. She also told everybody that her daughter is an excellent pianist and she was an ex organist of that same church, they fired her when she got pregnant with out a husband. That was a long time ago, more than 20 years.

I asked her directly if she wants her daughter to work in my place, she said no. I hope she is being honest. I am afriad I might lose that too.

But again, God will help me.

Thank you friends, I need you.

[Lupita]

Lighter, you are such a wonderful writer, I do not know how you are with time, with so many burdens that you are going though right now. But if you can maybe you could help with cover letters.

Let me know if I can send you one when I have it ready. I will work on that tomorrow night.

Love to oyu all.

Thank you.

[lighter]

Lupita.... you're in luck!

I have a friend, a recruiter friend.... who knows exactly how to prepare people for job interviews.

He'll know how to write a cover letter.... and so much more.

Not sure if I'll put you in touch or ask him for you but.... get the letter together and we'll get it done: )

Lighter

[Lupita]

My son's recital graduation is tonight. I have to smile and suport him. I need strenght.

I need to buy food for the public, after graduation recitals [parents have to offer a reception.

There are going 100 dollaras there. Who is helping with another 100? GFM. I have to forgive her for remaning me of my mother. I have to love her and accept her. God is teaching me. I have to love this woman. I have to. I need to. She is not a bad person. She only drives me crazy. But she is not a bad person and she did not install the bottons that she is pushing. She does not even know that hse is doing it.

I need to grow up.

[Hopalong]

Let it all out at 4:00 Lupita...this is SO good that you have chosen to get support.

And that you've plunged into resumes and networking even though you felt sad this a.m.?

I am awed.

Send me some of that determination!

Recital? Feh. Buy 'em chips and salsa.

Nothing people forget faster than free food.

Love you,
Hops