Hi Hops, Your so kind.

I've been thinking of you and your brother even more since my bully triggered me. You have been violated by your brother in so many ways.
Where did you get the strength?
Did you ever have panic attacks over him?
Did you feel your space was in jeopardy, unsafe, treated like a child not an adult?
If so how did you turn it around?
Trusting yourself, not being scared anymore etc.
Sorry if none of this applies.
I think I realized one of my biggest fears is, someday if I'm alone FOO will try and get in my face, my life, control me, tell me what I need, what I should do etc.
Like when I was a kid, thats how they treated me. I believe it is a huge fear I carry deep inside and have only now found the words.
I was voiceless then and they expect me to be voiceless still.
She, (me) doesn't like conflict, or confrontation, lets make her uncomfortable and scared she'll squeak away and be good.
Why would I still feel this way? Afraid, of there power over me. It's power I know I can only give.
Foo makes me go right back to being like a child and all the fears I had of them.
Oh I know another problem I have been struggling with my whole life is being polite. I tend to be polite even if I start to feel the other person is not treating me right.
Like two wrongs don't make a right. If I say that ???? wouldn't that be rude? How do you kindly tell someone to get away? I have always struggled with trying not to offend someone, I feel like I would be a bully.
this above may sound silly. sorry my head is spinning with why?
I would love to be anywhere that is surrounded by gentle loving peace. love seasons
p.s. I have been stalked before and I get panicky if my space is being invaded, or I feel it may come to that.