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Let's get on with it!

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bunny:
The reason the "get over it already" philosophy doesn't work is because of internal object relations. We all can't have a simultaneous epiphany about how to deal with severely damaged parents. It's tempting to wish for everyone to 'get it' (I have) but it's not realistic. If you are feeling impatient and annoyed maybe you'd be interested in some info about object relations. A book that explains everything in a user-friendly way is The Illusion of Love by David Celani. A very powerful book that I recommend to anyone interested in the psychology of abusive relationships.

bunny

DenmarkGuy:
I'm a relative newcomer to this forum, but I see this kind of discussion crop up in an awful lot of "support" and "self-growth" type communities, be they in Cyberspace or in Fleshspace.

Wheras I make no claims to be a "guru in a diaper," there are a few things I've noticed, over the years. Top of that list is that everyone's coping mechanism is different, and everybody has been "damaged" in their own unique way. The perception of "stuckness" (or otherwise) is a relative one-- there is no "absolute right" or "absolute wrong." And in saying that, I am NOT implying that it isn't a "legitimate" feeling to sometimes feel frustrated with someone who seems "stuck," when you have walked down a similar path and found a way to get UN-stuck. Ultimately, the underlying feelings are unrelated to abuse or victimology... and seem traceable back to the fact that we seem "hard wired" to feel a slight "jarring" when we encounter someone/something whose perception of "reality" is different from our own.

Sometimes part of the recovery process simply includes a period of having a giant pity party for yourself-- and I honestly can't say that I see any "danger" in that, unless you take on the permanent mantra of being "the helpless victim." So maybe people blow some steam off, bitching about the N(s) in their life. The trouble (as I see it) is with getting locked into the victim role so that you've relinquished responsiblility to an "outside entity," be that "mircaculous thinking" OR a therapist. At that point, it's maybe not so healthy. As I said, I'm new here-- so I have little evidence (one way, or the other) that anyone here is "lost," in such a way.

I know that I have deliberately chosen to "slow" my own path. In a sense, this choice was born out of my earlier experiences with CBT (especially brief CBT) as a way of psychological treatment for problems. Indeed, maybe I can learn that when I "get a headache" (metaphorically speaking), I should take two advil. Fine. But there comes a point at which you build up an immunity, and you start asking yourself "Why do I keep getting headaches?" Some people, indeed, can "jump" directly into the future and just "move on" with their lives, with just a cursory glance backwards. And honestly? I salute them and congratulate them. Alas, they are not me. I have tried that path, only to discover that I am "back at the doctor" asking about my "headache." My "headache" is the "repetition compulsion," with which I battle. And so, I found myself having to slow way down and take a while to understand the underlying dynamic that causes me to make such toxic choices. And in gaining that understanding, there is certainly also a degree of "stuckness." Is it overanalysis? Entirely possible. But this is MY phreakin' journey, and the reason I am still dealing with my "headache" is that I followed OTHER people's guidance, and in doing so discovered that the path ahead was pitted with potholes built in the past.... along with NEW potholes I was building, even as I was moving along.

I am not here because I am "stuck." I am here because I am tired of dealing with "pothole avoidance." I want to learn to stop making potholes, in the first place, so I can have a smooth road. Maybe that's naive, or excessively idealistic.... whatever you choose to call it, it's where I am, at this exact moment. And that's OK. Just like the place where everyone else is, is also OK.

Of course, that's just my $0.02 worth.....

--Peter

phoenix:
bye

Nic:
Hi StaceyLynn,
I understand what you're saying. As I was reading your post I was very happy for you because it seemed to me that Nism was the missing link in what appears to be your lifelong search for some peace and quiet from your family environment.

I certainly can relate to your stating how others find it amazing you turned out "normal"...i've noticed that people say that as an indirect admission that our nparents were wacko, somewhat excusing themselves for not rescuing us when probably they should have.

I also felt your impatience at other people not moving on.  Others above have voiced their thoughts on this.  I would like to add that this impatience resembles residual control issues within your own experience which would lend support to the idea that we are never completely healed from an experience with abusive Narcissistic parenting. Not that it is a lifetime of struggling but it is a lifetime of dealing with hurts of greater and lesser magnitude which surface and resurface at the most inopportune times.

Like you, I have discovered how my N mother works.  With much relief to myself, my enabler father has admitted to me in few words and much body language that She is indeed a very troubled lady.

 I have learned to lower my expectations regarding my parents and I have decoded their ,until now, impenetrable way of relating to each other , to their children, indeed to the world.  This, I must say, has come after 41 years.  The fact that it has come to you earlier in life is for me a great joy, because you have spared yourself additional years of suffering.  Bravo for that! :)

I am certain everyone would like to feel the same elation and satisfaction you do.  I second the suggestion that you share your strategies with us here and look forward to comparing them with mine and applying them to my own situation.

Welcome among us.
Kind regards,
Nic :)

Moonflower:
........

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