It was wrong of me to diagnose - but I stand behind my instincts....

[Gabben]

My mind changed, yesterday I said that I would leave the board, but that was me acting out of my inner 4 year old anger and hurt.

Today, my voice is back.

First, it was wrong for me to slap a diagnosis on Leah. However, how I feel and what I think of her does not change....it is just wrong of me to label.

When I get angry because of silent taunting, covert aggression directed towards me, when no one else can see and then Leah acts all innocent while feigning victimhood, yet there is not a shred of anger from her, nor does her suffering seem real, except for really shallow...just my observation, well, then --- that is real and really bothers me.

Recently, I realized that I have a love for the truth, a huge passion for the truth...I'll fight for the truth. Wow! I like that about myself; that I am willing to risk being unpopular for the sake of the truth.


Anyways....................I'm back.............with my voice!


Thank you Dr. G for respecting my voice, but reminding me of the rules here.  Sorry for the mistake.

Peace,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 I think you are  filled with love, light.I am glad you are back. We all have a "child'. We all have flaws.I am glad you are fighting the fight back to health with us.
 It is a very hard fight, for the courageous, of which you are one of the top, Lise.       Love   Ami
 

[Gabben]

hi Lise,

I'm glad you regained your voice today too.  When I am hurting I sometimes want to control another person's actions.  I want it to stop so bad.  Something my therapist and friends had to keep reminding me of over and over (bless their hearts) was that I could not control another's actions toward me.  They couldn't protect me and they couldn't stop it.

Only I could change my response.  Like avoiding the person.  Or feeling the feelings they brought up in me, but choosing not to engage them with that information (it often seems like a vicious circle since they don't listen either).  This is the process of letting go.  It is one of the hardest challenges I've ever faced.  I'm not good at it!

I understand what you're feeling and going through.  It's OK to be imperfect in your response.

bean

Thanks Bean for the info....all that you wrote is a no brainier....and funny seems to be your signature advice when people are hurting or working through a layer of pain. Also, if someone is being abused....would you void their pain by offering advice?  Sometimes compassion, genuine humility and love work better than the "let my past and present wisdom be your lesson shame approach." However, I have come to recognize that not everyone is as capable of compassion as I am, at least without judgement.

My heart is big............REALLY BIG.... I have come to realize that those with big hearts suffer the most as well as get targeted the most.

But, thanks for the attempt at fixing and trying to enlighten me.....I read your post and was left with one thought......... "like duh."

This lesson for me is about the old anger of not wanting to be defined by someone -- I am fully aware of the choices I make.

Bean, I think it is funny how you always show up on the board just when conflict erupts....

Lise

[Gabben]

I understand Bean....it is just that trying to control others actions is far away from having a voice, do you know what I mean?

Sometimes speaking our hearts and minds does not mean that we are trying to control.

Sometimes, it just means that we are speaking our voices which is a need...I have said my mind about the frustration in my heart as well as my truth..........................then I move on and let God, or nature, handle the rest, it is not about control, it is about having a voice.

Your post to me invalidated all that I have worked for and was a passive way of shaming me for speaking my voice, owning my truth.

Sometimes we just get angry and need to say so.

That is it.

Lise

[Gabben]

I've been posting here a long time and have worked through a lot of issues. 

I've too worked through a lot of issues (take the time to read my threads)..my issues are not your issues...will you quit projecting yourself on me, thank you, please.

Also, being a VESMB board member does not carry special privileges with it such as being the token board sage, at least in my view.

Lise

[lighter]

Glad to see you back, posting: )


((Gabben))

Lighter

[Gabben]

Thanks lighter....

Lise

[lighter]

YVW.

[teartracks]

Hi Lise,

I've too worked through a lot of issues (take the time to read my threads)..my issues are not your issues...will you quit projecting yourself on me, thank you, please.

Also, being a VESMB board member does not carry special privileges with it such as being the token board sage, at least in my view.Lise

First of all, I agree with you about longevity on the board not carrying special privileges, etc.  I don't think bean has any desire to pull rank on account of it, nor do I.  I do remember vividly though, when bean was about as deep in the woods of abuse fallout as one could be.  There were board brawls along the way then as now, vicious ones.  Even now, it is like medicine to my soul to see bean's name on the board.  I was privileged to be present as she  hacked her way through the jungle of painful abuse and ultimately walked out into the proverbial sunlight, healed.  She knows pain, she has experienced healing and I believe she means you no harm.

tt



 

Much love to you

 

[Gabben]

Hi Lise,

I've too worked through a lot of issues (take the time to read my threads)..my issues are not your issues...will you quit projecting yourself on me, thank you, please.

Also, being a VESMB board member does not carry special privileges with it such as being the token board sage, at least in my view.Lise

First of all, I agree with you about longevity on the board not carrying special privileges, etc.  I don't think bean has any desire to pull rank on account of it, nor do I.  I do remember vividly though, when bean was about as deep in the woods of abuse fallout as one could be.  There were board brawls along the way then as now, vicious ones.  Even now, it is like medicine to my soul to see bean's name on the board.  I was privileged to be present as she  hacked her way through the jungle of painful abuse and ultimately walked out into the proverbial sunlight, healed.  She knows pain, she has experienced healing and I believe she means you no harm.

tt



 

Much love to you

 

Thank you tt.....I respect your views, reading your post was helpful for me, I do not mind being humbled a bit, as a matter of fact, I need it.

I may be wrong about where Bean is coming from, she has helped me much in the past when I was going through board conflict.

Lise

[Gabben]

Dear Bean,

To be very honest, your posts felt belittling and shaming. I know that you may have had your best intention in mind in trying to help me, but I was not in need of your help nor seeking it.

If you were not projecting your own self onto my post you would have seen in my first post, the thread starter, that I was happy...resolved...moved on....and just admitting my wrong to clean up my side of the street, the rest for me was history.

Yesterday, I expressed my pain and frustration, which is healthy....today I moved on.

Then you came on this thread and began giving me a backhanded lecture about trying to control a situation.

Well, it was not about control for me....I have zero expectation of outcome...just a needed to have a voice for my pain.

Hope that clarifies.

Lise

[teartracks]

Hi Lise,

Not to worry.

Thanks for sharing yourself.

tt

[Gabben]

Hi Bean,

I can see that now that you have clarified, I am sorry that you are hurting.

It was not clear to me as it came across in away that my mother used to come across to me, my mom was a control freak - I am NOT saying that you are.

One of the things that she did was use herself as an example to try to point out who I am...therefore, perhaps that is what I was reading into it and what it sounds like is that you were just opening up a dialogue by sharing yourself? Perhaps you were just trying your best to relate, thank you.

Lise

[changing]

Bean-

I am sorry for what you are experiencing. I wish that I had shown your bravery in many of my job situations.You are bright and experienced and I admire your guts- I know you will be in an even better position soon!!!

Best To You For A Fabulous New Job Befitting Bean,

Changing

[Gabben]

Lise,

you got it!  I left my job this week due to my bullying ex-boss.  I'm hurting.  I was trying to share with you because I feel your pain.

bean

Bullying exboss....yuck! Was he/she covert or overt?

So sorry to hear of your pain, leaving jobs are painful.  Have you found a new job?

Due to the board conflict I am on guard, not to trusting these days...it was nothing personal.

Thank you for staying open to trying to communicate as well as being patient with me.

Lise