Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What is love? the unconditional kind!!
ch:
Hi everybody,
I am fairly new here, so HELLO fellow posters!!
I have been thinking about "love" and what it means to "fall in love" and be "in love." As a victim of being raised by Nmother, i've come to realize that i don't know what that is anymore and probably never did, therefore, i can honestly say that i probably never been in love, although i have had boyfriends and marriage proposals. Somehow, i never trusted myself or in the other person to make that commitment. Am i a victim or what?!!
Now, i am 37, looking better than ever, but i get looks and questions from concerned friends about my being single. Most of the time, i am fine with it and don't stress about it at all, but every once in while, i do wonder what i am missing in life. It must be wonderful to be in love and live happily within a marriage and creating a family. I know, i have lots more work to do as i feel somewhat immature with this aspect of my life. On the other hand, i am so introspective and feel deeply about humanity. Its been hard to find just the right match for me because i find people nowadays
ch:
are so shallow, so controlling, so.....etc.....
Is this a symptom of being a victim of being raised with N parents?
Anonymous:
Welcome ch,
What an interesting and thought provoking question. It would be edifying to learn how other people here define it. I'll take a swing:
I think love is discovering someone with similar good qualities and values that one may have oneself. The feeling of "gosh, they are just like me and isn't it wonderful?" A feeling of trusting and knowing that this loved person will respect your feelings, that is, acknowledge them, respond to them in a life-giving manner. No ridicule, or invalidation.
I think most people, being human, do put a few conditions on their love. Most people enter relationships with expectations of some kind. Examples: take care of me, or treat me with respect, or I want to have children, whatever.
Just a few thoughts. I'm sure there's lots more to add to this skimpy attempt. Again, welcome to the board. Seeker
DenmarkGuy:
Hi ch, and welcome to the board-- and thanks for starting such an interesting topic.
As I have worked more and more on myself, and gone further and further along on my "Journey to the Self," I have also come to question just what love is. Along the way, I seem to have found more answers to what love is NOT, than what love IS.
A very difficult thing for me to face was the realization that I was probably never in love with my ex. We were married for 13 years. At least what we may have "felt" for each other was a need-based and very "transactional" type of love... a typical "giver and taker" co-dependency. The following relationship-- which has now lasted eight years-- is certainly much better, but it includes a lot of old patterns. I don't remember whose theory it is, but there's a theory that we have different "modalities" within relationships, including child, parent and partner. I would have to say that pretty much all my relationships have been more of a "child-parent" thing, than a true "partner" thing. And that alarms me, somewhat. And I realize that my current relationship continues somewhat in this vein.... with a dynamic that not only reflects my "caretaking/rescue" dynamic, but my partner's need to "be rescued and taken care of."
As I keep learning, I am also learning that perhaps I have never really been "in love." And maybe I have such a long "training," that I am still not sure what it even means....
--Peter
bunny:
ch,
I think there are many, many kinds of love. For example, infatuation, passionate love, companionship love, maternal love, love for a pet, for favorite books, etc. Commitment is something else. I think it's a mutual agreement to certain conditions so that a relationship will be sustained over time. That sounds pretty dry, I know.
bunny
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version