ALL fall short, ALL get it wrong, ALL do it wrong - daily.
You can tell from my post on another thread that I agree with this statement completely.
Now to push it to the point of discomfort (which is, after all, where the growth is!):
If ALL fall short, or get it wrong, what is the remedy? What is the next step after the realization that we got it wrong?
Admitting it. The growth doesnt come until we admit it. For as long as we pull the covers over our heads and refuse to see it, we are stuck there--and it skews our growth.
Some things are hard to see. They are genuinely gray areas and we struggle and struggle to untangle all that contributes to the grayness. The process of admitting our part in it is truly difficult.
Some things are obvious. When you take something that doesnt belong to you, it should be obvious that we got it wrong. When you cheat on your income taxes. Etc.
Okay, I'm putting on my hip-boots.
When you gossip about someone else, when you send PM's behind the scenes conjecturing about someone else's motives to a third party that doesnt need to know what you are thinking--that is getting it wrong.
A PM that wonders aloud if Izzy is dissing Lighter is wrong.
Pointing out that other people also do things wrong is not actually supporting Ami. It feels like it--because we co-N's instinctively cover up for those we care for (and by saying that, I am in no way inferring that Ami is an N. I am pointing out our own failings.)
I think that we are at a critical juncture in our community: what does the community say about activities that are hurtful to the community? It's not really about who those comments are aimed at, but rather whether or not the community justifies that kind of comment based on who is making it, or why they have made it.
Several members have already posted that they are reluctant to share because they are afraid of being on the receiving end of that kind of comment. So, some are being rendered voiceless out of fear. Does the freedom to gossip overrule the freedom to feel safe from judgment when one is sharing one's heart? I would think that, on a board of this type, freedom to share one's heart would trump.
Are we, as a board, saying that the person who gossips should not have to endure judgment for their activity, while the person who wants to share their heart about personal struggles should fight their own way through their feelings of being judged? Tayana's need to share about her struggles with her mother without the fear of judgment should take precedence over the desire to gossip about another member.
You may think I am belaboring this point. I'm not. We are damned uncomfortable calling a spade a spade. This is the rock-bottom issue in our dealings with our N's. Ami has struggled all her life with calling her mother's activities wrong. She has spent years internalizing her mother's skewed values, to her own detriment. It does happen. It has happened to all of us--not just Ami. It's the reason we feel as though our lives were eaten up by our N's.
Skirmishes are bound to happen on the board, as well as in 3D life. But there is something about gossip that is like a little worm that eats the heart out of a relationship. If the board decides to applaud the life of that worm, to call it "freedom" or "reclaiming our voice", it is not a small thing. I don't think any of us realize how large the worm can grow if it is fed or justified.
I appeal to Biblical principles, not out of false piety. I am plainly not pious. But I am intimately acquainted with the belief system and values of many that have participated in this conflict. What point is it to plead with you using my belief system? You have your own beliefs and they are more than adequate to guide you away from the practice of gossip and into transparency.
I have found in the midst of all this, how much I truly care for the board and the people here. How sad I would be for it to be gone. How much I would miss the voices that are, at this point, contemplating going silent. I guess that's why I have stuck my neck out and posted--possibly risking getting it chopped off in the process. Or maybe to do otherwise makes me feel too much like a bystander, a collaborator. I don't know. I hope you all will take it seeing the intent behind it.
Much love,
CB
