Absence/Distancing/Withholding Love

[Simon46]

My mother is the queen of withholding love. Turns out it was a good thing. At a Christmas visit a few years ago my wife and I woke up and went into my mother’s kitchen for coffee. She came in and would not look us in the face or speak to us. She literally turned her head away and did not respond to my “good morning.” Her face was tight and her lips puckered up like I have seen many times before. She was icy cold and completely closed off. My wife whispered to me “are we in trouble?” I said “apparently so.”  What for, what did we do?  I said “I have no idea!!”  

We had spent the previous day visiting with my sister (her daughter) who lives nearby, and we stayed until 10 pm. We came back and they were in bed. My mother apparently had it in her mind that we would eat supper together, but instead of calling her daughters house and asking us, she decided that this was a personal conspiracy against her. That we were deliberately trying to hurt her.  In her mind she decided we would go out and eat together. She told no one. She was furious when we “showed disrespect” to her by not participating in her plan. She could have called my sisters house at any time to make plans, but she did not.

To show her disapproval, I was “shunned” the next day as I have been so many times before. All of her answers were short and indignant. When I tried to talk to her about it, she told me I was selfish and inconsiderate. I told her that I didn’t think I was. She replied, “Well isn’t it interesting that you feel that way?” She would have nothing to do with a reasonable discussion. She just sat in her chair with her arms crossed, her lips tight, and a wall about 3 feet thick in front of her. She wanted me to feel bad, and guilty and ashamed for my selfish behavior and was having no part of an adult to adult discussion. I was a bad boy and should be ashamed.  

This was a turning point for me. I didn’t know exactly what was “not right” because I had literally been treated this way my whole life, but something deep down was saying “This is Big, pay attention to this…If you can get this, it will change everything for you.”  You know this is not right. You are a grown man with kids of your own now, do you see how Wacko this behavior is?  

That was the first domino for me. I knew it would be painful to try and understand what was going on, but I didn’t know how life-changing it would be. I had a feeling this was major earthquake material and it was.  To destroy the idealized image of your parents and family life and to realize that it was not at all the way that they presented it to you.

Now I am surprised and even embarrassed that I was so easily manipulated.

[CC]

Dear Simon,

My mother performs the "silent treatment" in the same ways.  Often, we don't know how it begins - its as if we were to be mind readers (how dare we not anticipate their needs!!) Though seemingly ridiculous, it is effective (or has been - unfortunately it still is with me and I am struggling hard to override it).  Deep in our childhood souls we want our parents to love us.  Do not be embarrassed by how you felt.  Having your wife there seems like it was helpful to you -perhaps even instrumental in helping you see the nonsense of it.  My husband tends to minimize the things that Nmom does, because he doesn't really understand the impact it has on me.  He'll say things like "oh, she's old, let her be.." etc.  

It's like the Seeker said in another thread:

Only people who have walked that mile in our shoes will get it.

We are all struggling with getting past that need to be loved by our Nparent, and the acceptance that we need unconditionally. The bitter pill is that we aren't going to get it from them (Unfortunately, I haven't managed to gag it down yet) .  It has to come from ourselves.  I am working on grieving for that child in therapy lately. Thank you for sharing your story.  I'm glad you found that first domino - may there be many more that follow.  I have seen more than one parallel between our mothers in your posts.

[Discounted Girl]

Hey Simon ... thanks for your post, especially:

"That was the first domino for me. I knew it would be painful to try and understand what was going on, but I didn’t know how life-changing it would be. I had a feeling this was major earthquake material and it was. To destroy the idealized image of your parents and family life and to realize that it was not at all the way that they presented it to you".

Yessireebob, you hit the nail on the head. I am too ashamed even on an anonymous board to tell you when my "moment of reckoning" was -- well it was more like a crescendo   -- anyhow, I knew it was over -- O-V-E-R !!! At least the Discounted (invisible, scapegoat, buffoon) part was over.  I have an old school chum who told me when we were kids I acted like I had Ozzie & Harriet for parents (I don't remember acting that way) and she says that I denied the fact that they were just Bubba and Marg. Well, I shall not write much more because I always begin to sound like pinched lipped and bitter (I don't really have pinched lips   ), so I will sign off. This board is marvelous and I am trying to not become addicted, but it's sooooo wonderful to not feel alone anymore and I have stopped questioning my own sanity. Thanks y'all  

[Simon46]

I too always had an extremely idealized idea of what my childhood/family life was like. Now I understand why. I used to tell people that it was like the Brady Bunch growing up in my house. I actually “believed” this for a long time because that is how it was always presented to me by my parents. That was “their version” of what they were doing. It still is. In response to my opposing viewpoint my mother recently told me that they were “good parents” and that “if they made any major mistake it was to do too much for me.” It occurs to me that every parent thinks they are a good parent, because every parent is doing the best they can with “what they know.”

If you had a problem with anything they did, it was dismissed, and you were “straightened out.” Repeat ad infinitum. So, from an early age I was conditioned to believe their interpretations over my own. Even as a grown man, I still did this for a long time, despite all evidence to the contrary. When all this lifetime of intense pain came to the surface and I first “discussed” this with my Dad he told me to “Snap out of it.”  Here’s the real shocker – I thought I should, because he told me to!  I felt guilty and I must be wrong.  Despite all my “work” I was still in between versions of what happened, and I was still letting him dictate his version as “the Truth” and my version as “well I must be confused.” The old programming allowed me to still be manipulated and question my own judgment. I am much clearer on this now and can see why it happened.

I now know that this idealized view was my way of surviving the situation. Since I was not allowed to have a voice, there was simply no option except to accept their version of the truth. To “dispute their word” wrought severe punishment, slaps in the face, “how dare you’s! ” and verbal and psychological abuse. So I had to “believe” their version, it was much less painful to a child with no power. I am amazed what the mind will do to survive a situation.

Eventually the “soul” part of you, the unconscious part that really knows what happened, will come along and demand to be recognized. It will create unbearable pain, depression, acting out, buried rage, in your life until you honor your real self and what really happened. But man does it hurt, it’s a lot like pulling a porcupine through your nose backwards. But you’ve got to do it. You’ve gotta get it out.

[seeker]

Hi,

Thank you all for putting words to this experience of stripping away the idealized view of our families!  I knew it was a Big Moment for me, but I really didn't know how to articulate it.  

I share Discounted Girl's feelings very much.  I told my therapist I feel like I had been brainwashed into thinking I had the "nicest, most normal" family.  My husband jokes about The Waltons.  I, too, had a friend who saw what was going on.  She once told me: I didn't like you at first because you never spoke.  Doesn't that say volumes?  She would listen to me hem and haw, agonizing over allowing myself to do something (like get my ears pierced) for myself that I wasn't sure I had permission to do.  I was 20 years old!  She just grabbed me by my hand, took me down to the shop.  Done.  And my mother didnt have a cow.  But I still didn't get what was going on.

Now I do, and I laughed out loud at Simon46's description!  What we need is post-porcupine peace!     Well, better get on with it...
Kind regards, S.

[Cathi]

Simon:
Hang tough. I've been there and done that and can relate to everything you said. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and cry like a baby over the pain. I always feel better afterward. I feel the tears and guess that I am living still. Beats the alternative.
Peace to you.
Cathi

[Camilla]

It's been over 4 years for me, I'm pretty much back to my old self, and am still petrified.  To what extent you wouldn't believe.  Any contact and/or interest by a man who is not a trusted friend, and I look and act like a deer in your headlights.  I'm not sure I will ever get over this in the repect of trusting my judgement again.

Voicelessness - is it synonymous with control?

Hi Cindy,
It's been only one year for me .. and like you, I couldn't think of anything worse than contact/interest from a man who is not a trusted friend.  My 20 year relationship (16 married) to a medical professional finally was revealed as a monumental deception.  When I met him, he was widowed with four children.  His wife drowned (aged 40) like Natalie Wood .. fell off a boat whilst under the influence.  He had four children - 9, 12, 14, 16 and I had two - 4 and 7.  He was on the brink of entering into a deed of arrangement with the tax department, which subsequently sold his family home.  They took everything, including his medical rooms.  We joined our families together but people he knew never treated me with respect.  Women were jealous .. his late wife had a lover and there were at least 3 women he was having liaisons with.  When I arrived on the scene - a newcomer to town - I came in for scrutiny big time.  I tried to earn respect from people, but resentment ran high and I have now come to realise my husband didn't respect nor care particularly for me and this was projected to anyone we associated with.  I didn't ever 'crack' it with his children.  He blamed me and I blamed me.  He is a Narcissicistic MD .. his work is mainly cosmetic surgery.  His patients (mostly) adore him and he thrives on it.  Others - hospital staff, nurses etc. all adore him.  He appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across.  But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the case.  Well.. finally, he ran off with a patient.  I have discovered that he has bagged me out to staff at the rooms (which I ran as practice manager for 7 years) .. and I now believe he bagged me out to his children - hence my never being able to form relationships with them.  I have discovered (as you do) that he has been cheating on me for years (another patient, at least) and I am stunned, still.  Now the patient he has run off with is attempting to take out a 'misconduct restraining order' on me - all false accusations - but I will have to find money to pay for my defence.  Of course, I have hardly any money any more.  He has seen to that.  I believe he has fired her up to do this to me.  This type of narcissist is like a Jekyll and Hyde-type person.  No-one but me and my children - we also had 2 together - (not his four) knows or can begin to know how evil he is.  Unlike other Narcissists described in this forum, you would never, never, know he is anything other than absolutely charming.  He has neglected me emotionally and distanced himself from me - even leaving a room when I entered.. though it took me years to realise.  I believe he is an alcoholic - can't do without drinking every night and starting at lunch time on weekends.  He would drink, I would drive.  Eventually I wouldn't want to go to medical dinners with him - or anywhere he would be drinking.  He argued with me incessantly - I never knew why.  I now think he was just trying to destroy me.  I have ranted and raved a lot here .. but, Cindy, what I really mean to say is I don't think I will ever again be trusting enough to enter another relationship.  My judgement is so damaged and I am so fearful I have no measure by which to assess anyone.  Quite simply, I would be terrified to get involved again.  At 51 years of age, that is sad.  Life seems pointless - except for my children.  I have been seeing a doctor weekly for 12 months and am on anti-depressants.  What this man has done to me is evil and I have been so confused as a result.  He treated me with disregard and I wouldn't know what it is to be truly loved by someone.  I am trying to be strong, but it is very, very difficult.

[Alan]

"He appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across. But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the caseHe appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across. But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the case"

My N was the same way, charming, decent, etc., all on the outside.  But some co workers after a few years saw thru it.  She would even say the same thing "what you see is what you get".  We are divorcing because I finally saw thru it and pushed for solutions.  All she ever did was avoid.

I feel for your pain.  Doctors and lawyers can be worst when exacting their revenge.  

I hope you find the time when you can trust again.  Learn how to trust yourself first. Know who you are and live those principles.  It is a hard journey but it can happen.[/quote]

[cindy]

Mine, too, didn't decieve others as well as he decieved me, so I have a much better support network left than he does.  Those that "sided" sided with me, but he's in general clueless.

I remember a telling occurance.  I'm not the jealous type.  I saw his flirting as embarrassing and disrespectful of me, but he wouldn't stop it.  Then the Clinton tape where he flirted with stewardesses on a flight was shown and discussed.  I said see, that's how you look to others.  Only then did he stop the blantant flirting.  I'm sure he still flirted.  I had to appeal to his vanity to get through to him.  Sick.

My oldest, now 25, told me when she was about 8 and her sister about six were in Safeway one day two women were talking about dad, one said "that's so-and-so's boyfriend" and the other said, "oh, that's him." My daughter broke in and said "That's my dad and he's married to my mon." like they must be mistaken about the identity. The women just looked at each other and didn't say anything.  She told me this two years ago. The girls had discussed this several times, wondering if dad was cheating, but had never asked either one of us about it.

What did I do to my children, marrying this monster?  And I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN.  I'll pay any price, including lonelyness to feel that I won't end up there.

Thanks, Camilla, it's good to know I'm not alone.

[tayana]

I grew up with an N-mom, and on the outside I suppose my family looked like something from "Leave It To Beaver."  In public my mother fawned over my grades, my activities.  But when we got home, she criticized everything I did, from my grades to my clothes.  I was allowed no privacy.  If she thought I was hiding something from her, she'd simply go through my things until she found my journals, stories or poetry, then she would get angry over their content.  She didn't allow me to socialize the way my friends did, or anywhere without her approval.  She tried to choose the college I went to, my career, she even tried to make me like the same things she did.  

If I rebelled in anyway, she would then either get mad and throw things about or else she wouldn't speak to me for days at a time.  Like someone else said, when you're a child the silent treatment is horrible.  She and my dad fought all the time, and I don't think either of them have been truly happy in their entire lives.

I never had any sort of freedom until I went to college, and then when I'd come home, my mother would say that I was acting like I was above them because I developed an interest in things like art shows, ballet, and classical music.  Those were all things my mother considered for "rich people."  I wasnt allowed to enjoy my new interests at all, and when I'd come home on holiday, she would remind me how much she disliked what I was reading, watching or listening to.

I'm not a child anymore, but I find myself crippled about things like buying something I know my mother would hate--a new coat, a cd, a book.  I made the decision in the last year to be myself and pursue my interests.  So I bought the gaudy coat my mother hated so much and let me know was totally inappropriate, but that I loved.  I bought the cd's that I like but she hates.  I read the books I find interesting.  I even bought colorful clothing that's no so conservative because I like it, and I didn't take it back when my mom saw what I'd bought.  

Since I've been unresponsive to her, she now claims I hate her, than I want nothing to do with her, and that I'm doing everything to hurt her.  I told her to stop yelling at my son one night when he was doing clean up, because she just kept going on and on about how lazy and irresponsible (he's 6) he is because he can't pick things up.  She then proceeded to slam the door, walk out, screaming "I'm sick of all of you.  You can all go to hell."  She didn't speak to me for 2 weeks, or if she did, it was icy, cold and clipped sentences.  Normally, I would try to make up for confronting her and apologize, but this time I didn't.  I wasn't at fault, and I didn't try to win her love back.  She's a master at withholding love, and I always find myself feeling guilty and ashamed when I take a stand and refuse to do what she wants.