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Absence/Distancing/Withholding Love

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Simon46:
My mother is the queen of withholding love. Turns out it was a good thing. At a Christmas visit a few years ago my wife and I woke up and went into my mother’s kitchen for coffee. She came in and would not look us in the face or speak to us. She literally turned her head away and did not respond to my “good morning.” Her face was tight and her lips puckered up like I have seen many times before. She was icy cold and completely closed off. My wife whispered to me “are we in trouble?” I said “apparently so.”  What for, what did we do?  I said “I have no idea!!”  

We had spent the previous day visiting with my sister (her daughter) who lives nearby, and we stayed until 10 pm. We came back and they were in bed. My mother apparently had it in her mind that we would eat supper together, but instead of calling her daughters house and asking us, she decided that this was a personal conspiracy against her. That we were deliberately trying to hurt her.  In her mind she decided we would go out and eat together. She told no one. She was furious when we “showed disrespect” to her by not participating in her plan. She could have called my sisters house at any time to make plans, but she did not.

To show her disapproval, I was “shunned” the next day as I have been so many times before. All of her answers were short and indignant. When I tried to talk to her about it, she told me I was selfish and inconsiderate. I told her that I didn’t think I was. She replied, “Well isn’t it interesting that you feel that way?” She would have nothing to do with a reasonable discussion. She just sat in her chair with her arms crossed, her lips tight, and a wall about 3 feet thick in front of her. She wanted me to feel bad, and guilty and ashamed for my selfish behavior and was having no part of an adult to adult discussion. I was a bad boy and should be ashamed.  

This was a turning point for me. I didn’t know exactly what was “not right” because I had literally been treated this way my whole life, but something deep down was saying “This is Big, pay attention to this…If you can get this, it will change everything for you.”  You know this is not right. You are a grown man with kids of your own now, do you see how Wacko this behavior is?  

That was the first domino for me. I knew it would be painful to try and understand what was going on, but I didn’t know how life-changing it would be. I had a feeling this was major earthquake material and it was.  To destroy the idealized image of your parents and family life and to realize that it was not at all the way that they presented it to you.

Now I am surprised and even embarrassed that I was so easily manipulated.

CC:
Dear Simon,

My mother performs the "silent treatment" in the same ways.  Often, we don't know how it begins - its as if we were to be mind readers (how dare we not anticipate their needs!!) Though seemingly ridiculous, it is effective (or has been - unfortunately it still is with me and I am struggling hard to override it).  Deep in our childhood souls we want our parents to love us.  Do not be embarrassed by how you felt.  Having your wife there seems like it was helpful to you -perhaps even instrumental in helping you see the nonsense of it.  My husband tends to minimize the things that Nmom does, because he doesn't really understand the impact it has on me.  He'll say things like "oh, she's old, let her be.." etc.  

It's like the Seeker said in another thread:

--- Quote ---Only people who have walked that mile in our shoes will get it.
--- End quote ---


We are all struggling with getting past that need to be loved by our Nparent, and the acceptance that we need unconditionally. The bitter pill is that we aren't going to get it from them (Unfortunately, I haven't managed to gag it down yet) :) .  It has to come from ourselves.  I am working on grieving for that child in therapy lately. Thank you for sharing your story.  I'm glad you found that first domino - may there be many more that follow.  I have seen more than one parallel between our mothers in your posts.

Discounted Girl:
Hey Simon ... thanks for your post, especially:

"That was the first domino for me. I knew it would be painful to try and understand what was going on, but I didn’t know how life-changing it would be. I had a feeling this was major earthquake material and it was. To destroy the idealized image of your parents and family life and to realize that it was not at all the way that they presented it to you".

Yessireebob, you hit the nail on the head. I am too ashamed even on an anonymous board to tell you when my "moment of reckoning" was -- well it was more like a crescendo  :!: -- anyhow, I knew it was over -- O-V-E-R !!! At least the Discounted (invisible, scapegoat, buffoon) part was over.  I have an old school chum who told me when we were kids I acted like I had Ozzie & Harriet for parents (I don't remember acting that way) and she says that I denied the fact that they were just Bubba and Marg. Well, I shall not write much more because I always begin to sound like pinched lipped and bitter (I don't really have pinched lips  :wink: ), so I will sign off. This board is marvelous and I am trying to not become addicted, but it's sooooo wonderful to not feel alone anymore and I have stopped questioning my own sanity. Thanks y'all  :lol:

Simon46:
I too always had an extremely idealized idea of what my childhood/family life was like. Now I understand why. I used to tell people that it was like the Brady Bunch growing up in my house. I actually “believed” this for a long time because that is how it was always presented to me by my parents. That was “their version” of what they were doing. It still is. In response to my opposing viewpoint my mother recently told me that they were “good parents” and that “if they made any major mistake it was to do too much for me.” It occurs to me that every parent thinks they are a good parent, because every parent is doing the best they can with “what they know.”

If you had a problem with anything they did, it was dismissed, and you were “straightened out.” Repeat ad infinitum. So, from an early age I was conditioned to believe their interpretations over my own. Even as a grown man, I still did this for a long time, despite all evidence to the contrary. When all this lifetime of intense pain came to the surface and I first “discussed” this with my Dad he told me to “Snap out of it.”  Here’s the real shocker – I thought I should, because he told me to!  I felt guilty and I must be wrong.  Despite all my “work” I was still in between versions of what happened, and I was still letting him dictate his version as “the Truth” and my version as “well I must be confused.” The old programming allowed me to still be manipulated and question my own judgment. I am much clearer on this now and can see why it happened.

I now know that this idealized view was my way of surviving the situation. Since I was not allowed to have a voice, there was simply no option except to accept their version of the truth. To “dispute their word” wrought severe punishment, slaps in the face, “how dare you’s! ” and verbal and psychological abuse. So I had to “believe” their version, it was much less painful to a child with no power. I am amazed what the mind will do to survive a situation.

Eventually the “soul” part of you, the unconscious part that really knows what happened, will come along and demand to be recognized. It will create unbearable pain, depression, acting out, buried rage, in your life until you honor your real self and what really happened. But man does it hurt, it’s a lot like pulling a porcupine through your nose backwards. But you’ve got to do it. You’ve gotta get it out.

seeker:
Hi,

Thank you all for putting words to this experience of stripping away the idealized view of our families!  I knew it was a Big Moment for me, but I really didn't know how to articulate it.  

I share Discounted Girl's feelings very much.  I told my therapist I feel like I had been brainwashed into thinking I had the "nicest, most normal" family.  My husband jokes about The Waltons.  I, too, had a friend who saw what was going on.  She once told me: I didn't like you at first because you never spoke.  Doesn't that say volumes?  She would listen to me hem and haw, agonizing over allowing myself to do something (like get my ears pierced) for myself that I wasn't sure I had permission to do.  I was 20 years old!  She just grabbed me by my hand, took me down to the shop.  Done.  And my mother didnt have a cow.  But I still didn't get what was going on.

Now I do, and I laughed out loud at Simon46's description!  What we need is post-porcupine peace!   :D   Well, better get on with it...
Kind regards, S.

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