Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Absence/Distancing/Withholding Love

<< < (5/5)

Cathi:
Simon:
Hang tough. I've been there and done that and can relate to everything you said. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and cry like a baby over the pain. I always feel better afterward. I feel the tears and guess that I am living still. Beats the alternative.
Peace to you.
Cathi

Camilla:

--- Quote from: cindy ---It's been over 4 years for me, I'm pretty much back to my old self, and am still petrified.  To what extent you wouldn't believe.  Any contact and/or interest by a man who is not a trusted friend, and I look and act like a deer in your headlights.  I'm not sure I will ever get over this in the repect of trusting my judgement again.

Voicelessness - is it synonymous with control?
--- End quote ---


Hi Cindy,
It's been only one year for me .. and like you, I couldn't think of anything worse than contact/interest from a man who is not a trusted friend.  My 20 year relationship (16 married) to a medical professional finally was revealed as a monumental deception.  When I met him, he was widowed with four children.  His wife drowned (aged 40) like Natalie Wood .. fell off a boat whilst under the influence.  He had four children - 9, 12, 14, 16 and I had two - 4 and 7.  He was on the brink of entering into a deed of arrangement with the tax department, which subsequently sold his family home.  They took everything, including his medical rooms.  We joined our families together but people he knew never treated me with respect.  Women were jealous .. his late wife had a lover and there were at least 3 women he was having liaisons with.  When I arrived on the scene - a newcomer to town - I came in for scrutiny big time.  I tried to earn respect from people, but resentment ran high and I have now come to realise my husband didn't respect nor care particularly for me and this was projected to anyone we associated with.  I didn't ever 'crack' it with his children.  He blamed me and I blamed me.  He is a Narcissicistic MD .. his work is mainly cosmetic surgery.  His patients (mostly) adore him and he thrives on it.  Others - hospital staff, nurses etc. all adore him.  He appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across.  But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the case.  Well.. finally, he ran off with a patient.  I have discovered that he has bagged me out to staff at the rooms (which I ran as practice manager for 7 years) .. and I now believe he bagged me out to his children - hence my never being able to form relationships with them.  I have discovered (as you do) that he has been cheating on me for years (another patient, at least) and I am stunned, still.  Now the patient he has run off with is attempting to take out a 'misconduct restraining order' on me - all false accusations - but I will have to find money to pay for my defence.  Of course, I have hardly any money any more.  He has seen to that.  I believe he has fired her up to do this to me.  This type of narcissist is like a Jekyll and Hyde-type person.  No-one but me and my children - we also had 2 together - (not his four) knows or can begin to know how evil he is.  Unlike other Narcissists described in this forum, you would never, never, know he is anything other than absolutely charming.  He has neglected me emotionally and distanced himself from me - even leaving a room when I entered.. though it took me years to realise.  I believe he is an alcoholic - can't do without drinking every night and starting at lunch time on weekends.  He would drink, I would drive.  Eventually I wouldn't want to go to medical dinners with him - or anywhere he would be drinking.  He argued with me incessantly - I never knew why.  I now think he was just trying to destroy me.  I have ranted and raved a lot here .. but, Cindy, what I really mean to say is I don't think I will ever again be trusting enough to enter another relationship.  My judgement is so damaged and I am so fearful I have no measure by which to assess anyone.  Quite simply, I would be terrified to get involved again.  At 51 years of age, that is sad.  Life seems pointless - except for my children.  I have been seeing a doctor weekly for 12 months and am on anti-depressants.  What this man has done to me is evil and I have been so confused as a result.  He treated me with disregard and I wouldn't know what it is to be truly loved by someone.  I am trying to be strong, but it is very, very difficult.

Alan:
"He appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across. But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the caseHe appears as someone calm, mild-mannered, decent, charming and is the most convincing case of 'what you see is what you get' I have ever come across. But depending on who you are, the opposite can be the case"

My N was the same way, charming, decent, etc., all on the outside.  But some co workers after a few years saw thru it.  She would even say the same thing "what you see is what you get".  We are divorcing because I finally saw thru it and pushed for solutions.  All she ever did was avoid.

I feel for your pain.  Doctors and lawyers can be worst when exacting their revenge.  

I hope you find the time when you can trust again.  Learn how to trust yourself first. Know who you are and live those principles.  It is a hard journey but it can happen.[/quote]

cindy:
Mine, too, didn't decieve others as well as he decieved me, so I have a much better support network left than he does.  Those that "sided" sided with me, but he's in general clueless.

I remember a telling occurance.  I'm not the jealous type.  I saw his flirting as embarrassing and disrespectful of me, but he wouldn't stop it.  Then the Clinton tape where he flirted with stewardesses on a flight was shown and discussed.  I said see, that's how you look to others.  Only then did he stop the blantant flirting.  I'm sure he still flirted.  I had to appeal to his vanity to get through to him.  Sick.

My oldest, now 25, told me when she was about 8 and her sister about six were in Safeway one day two women were talking about dad, one said "that's so-and-so's boyfriend" and the other said, "oh, that's him." My daughter broke in and said "That's my dad and he's married to my mon." like they must be mistaken about the identity. The women just looked at each other and didn't say anything.  She told me this two years ago. The girls had discussed this several times, wondering if dad was cheating, but had never asked either one of us about it.

What did I do to my children, marrying this monster?  And I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN.  I'll pay any price, including lonelyness to feel that I won't end up there.

Thanks, Camilla, it's good to know I'm not alone.

tayana:
I grew up with an N-mom, and on the outside I suppose my family looked like something from "Leave It To Beaver."  In public my mother fawned over my grades, my activities.  But when we got home, she criticized everything I did, from my grades to my clothes.  I was allowed no privacy.  If she thought I was hiding something from her, she'd simply go through my things until she found my journals, stories or poetry, then she would get angry over their content.  She didn't allow me to socialize the way my friends did, or anywhere without her approval.  She tried to choose the college I went to, my career, she even tried to make me like the same things she did.  

If I rebelled in anyway, she would then either get mad and throw things about or else she wouldn't speak to me for days at a time.  Like someone else said, when you're a child the silent treatment is horrible.  She and my dad fought all the time, and I don't think either of them have been truly happy in their entire lives.

I never had any sort of freedom until I went to college, and then when I'd come home, my mother would say that I was acting like I was above them because I developed an interest in things like art shows, ballet, and classical music.  Those were all things my mother considered for "rich people."  I wasnt allowed to enjoy my new interests at all, and when I'd come home on holiday, she would remind me how much she disliked what I was reading, watching or listening to.

I'm not a child anymore, but I find myself crippled about things like buying something I know my mother would hate--a new coat, a cd, a book.  I made the decision in the last year to be myself and pursue my interests.  So I bought the gaudy coat my mother hated so much and let me know was totally inappropriate, but that I loved.  I bought the cd's that I like but she hates.  I read the books I find interesting.  I even bought colorful clothing that's no so conservative because I like it, and I didn't take it back when my mom saw what I'd bought.  

Since I've been unresponsive to her, she now claims I hate her, than I want nothing to do with her, and that I'm doing everything to hurt her.  I told her to stop yelling at my son one night when he was doing clean up, because she just kept going on and on about how lazy and irresponsible (he's 6) he is because he can't pick things up.  She then proceeded to slam the door, walk out, screaming "I'm sick of all of you.  You can all go to hell."  She didn't speak to me for 2 weeks, or if she did, it was icy, cold and clipped sentences.  Normally, I would try to make up for confronting her and apologize, but this time I didn't.  I wasn't at fault, and I didn't try to win her love back.  She's a master at withholding love, and I always find myself feeling guilty and ashamed when I take a stand and refuse to do what she wants.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page