My Daughter is fine today I am slowly recovering.
(She had a 6 inch gash in her leg sewn up the other day - first time for stitches.)
She was so scared
.trembling and holding back tears (which really bothered me trying so hard to be stoic but the silent tears kept slipping out, and she would duck her head and hide her face behind her hair as she quietly wiped her eyes, desperate that no one see her pain).
She learned to do this at school the kids would tease her for crying how early the training starts.
Broke my heart. I kept telling her it is ok to be scared and to cry I hope she was able to hear me and will remember some day.
It is also very close to my Fs birthday and F-day was just around the corner we buried him on his birthday. Being back at the hospital at this time of year, the smells, the sounds reminded me so much of what occurred when he was dying how the mask was ripped away and the true nature of who he was emerged. It was not pretty he threw food and drinks at us, told us he should have drowned us as pups, ripped devices out of his body, was so racist, sexist, and mean to the female nurses they refused to care for him so they only assigned male nurses to him, the screaming, the rages,
.etc.,
I kept slipping back into the memories at one point I became disoriented and thought I was at one of the hospitals he was in (never had PTSD go that far except after waking up from nightmares very frightening - must have been the overall stress of the situation). Must not have gone that deep because I realized what was happening and was able to pull myself back out thanks Amber and James, I remembered your conversation, I remembered to focus on my breathing and touch something in the here and now (that is growth, have never been able to do that so quickly after a nightmare I was so happy I was able to do that and am so grateful that you discussed this here.).
They have a new ointment that they use to numb (thank god) so she did not have to get shots. She was so scared but the beautiful part, about 3 hours into the waiting (torture to be made to wait that long with that much terror), she said:
Mom, I am going to try and make this an adventure. I am scared now but it will be over soon. I have to remember everything because I am going to have a great story to tell my friends.
How beautiful is that. A very traumatic experience, having the wherewithal to find something positive to hold onto; knowing that the pain would break and it would not last forever. How beautiful and a child shall lead the way
..timely reminder.
Deb: definitely, defintely a boo boo present moment.
Peace
