Hello- Its funny, but losing a twin is triggering all of my childhood pains too. Its like all my old grief has become bundled in with this event because of the miscarriage, and then the sting of knowing that I have no parent or extended family that I can go to for comfort on any level. It feels harsh.
I know I am grown, but my sadness is kind of primal. A heartfelt "I'm sorry" is something I'm never going to hear from them. My mom would either laugh or lecture. My desire is to have a sorry for the loss, sorry for your hurt, I acknowledge your pain...(in a nutshell). But if they acknowledged my pain, then I wouldn't have narcissistic parents! I found myself crying to my dead dog instead (she gives me more comfort), and that helped.
Husband cried alot as the baby died on the ultrasound. I was in shock and didn't until he went to work. Hours later, grief hit me like a whirlwind. I had started out with triplets, and they are slowly fading away. If the last one dies, I am really going to wonder why me. The chance of this happening was under 2%.
My mom was an abusive nightmare, but she gets 2 kids. I have struggled with infertility, etc. and years of therapy to be able to be present and conscious for a future family and the babies are leaving anyway. I don't get it. I guess I can't get it. It has made me realize that I still have to work on wanting a parent/family member in times of crisis, because that is an unrealistic wish. There's no shortcut through pain though, at least I'm cognizant of that, even if I haven't processed it emotionally.
Oh, ironically, days after my last post, my parents gave me a significant amount of stocks (in my name only, totally legit and foolproof) and I'm no longer struggling financially. Its very weird that that "need" (desire) got met, only to lose the deeper desire that created it, which was a safe, secure future for my kids (as I'm down to one now, if they stick around).
I'm trying to stay positive, but its hard to be attatched to the pregnancy now. Also, I fought so hard for the twins when my husband insisted on abortion. Now he's devestated, its all too much drama for me. I walked away from my family because of dramas, and now dramas are coming to me like this with the new family I'm trying to create? How weird is that. Still trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn from all this...
