Author Topic: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance  (Read 10402 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #30 on: June 26, 2008, 04:03:42 PM »
Yay! First smoke-free time zone negotiated successfully! - 4 hours.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #31 on: June 26, 2008, 04:20:01 PM »



PR,

Way - Yay!

Wunnerful, wunnerful!

tt

sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #32 on: June 26, 2008, 04:30:22 PM »
thanks, tt!  :D

In 4 hour blocks - and since I adore my 8 hours sleep every night - all I need to do the next 3 days, is add another 3 more, 4 hr smoke-free time zones and by Monday, I'll actually make my quit date (without weaseling out....making excuses....procrastinating).

And the smoke I had right after 4 pm, wasn't exactly yummy, adorable, refreshing. Negative reinforcement, applied wisely, helps too: it's 90 outside and no shade. And I can't stand still long enough to smoke a whole one in that heat...it's not at all pleasant or comfortable.... and now I'm all stinky again - YUCK!!!!

Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Certain Hope

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #33 on: June 27, 2008, 11:15:25 AM »
Amber,

I just caught up with reading here and it all sounds great! 

You've created the most thorough, comprehensive plan I have ever heard of and I'm absolutely amazed at the balanced awareness you've been able to achieve and maintain. Wow, I'm thinking if only I could manage a bit of this in other areas... but you've offered something to shoot for and I'm going to try!

As always, thank you so much for sharing, throughout your work... it's been and is still - so very helpful.

With love,
Carolyn

sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #34 on: June 27, 2008, 11:33:54 AM »
You're welcome, Carolyn!

Yes, I think these plans, strategies and techniques can be applied to other types of habits - even emotional ones.

Had my first curve on my letting go road, today, and I've adjusted pretty well. I added another 4-hr smokefree time-zone this morning from 8-noon... and upon arriving at work, found I have a meeting from noon-1. I'm simply going to make it a 3 -hr timezone - and tack the extra hour on this afternoon. Flexibility is CRITICAL - but not as a deceptive way of making excuses.

And have to tell ya: the 2 I've smoked in that "break" from non-smoking practice time zones were totally negative reinforcement. In 24 hours, I've gotten to the point where it's uncomfortable to not smoke - and just as uncomfortable to smoke. Been here - memorably - before. It's the tipping point between remaining a smoker - or going the rest of the way down the letting go road.

There will be even LESS "permitted" smoking time over the weekend (no, I'm not limiting how many I smoke in the permitted time zones... that is also useful...), so I believe that this time I have all the why's & wherefores & self-deceptions about this nailed down... and I'm curious to get to the point where "let go" is past history.

Been working on Hops' suggestion about smoking and the brain... and this is fruitful. Not coherent, mind you!  ::LOL:: But next week, when smoking is past history - I should be able to post something sensible about this.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #35 on: June 30, 2008, 09:47:30 AM »
Twiggy's bringing me all sorts of things because of this quit - just before I fell asleep last night, she came up with "The Gingham Dog & the Calico Cat". Poem's below...

The Duel (The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat)  by Eugene Field

The gingham dog and the calico cat 
Side by side on the table sat;
'Twas half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t'other had slept a wink!
  The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
  Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
  (I wasn't there; I simply state
  What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)

The gingham dog went " Bow-wow-wow!"
And the calico cat replied "Me-ow!"
The air was littered,an hour or so,
With bits of gingham and calico,
  While the old Dutch clock in the chimney place
  Up with it hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a family row!
  (Now mind: I'm only telling you
  What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)

The Chinese plate looked very blue,
And wailed,"Oh dear! What shall we do!"
But the gingham dog and the calico cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
  Employing every tooth and claw
  In the awfullest way you ever saw-
And oh! how the gingham and calico flew!
  (Don't fancy I exaggerate!
  I got my news from the Chinese plate!)

Next morning where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That burglars stole the pair away!
  But the truth about the cat and pup
  Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
  (The old Dutch clock, it told me so,
  And that is how I came to know.)



...the horrible thing about this poem, is that Twiggy felt she was "all ate up" - from the inside out - by her mom. The poem also describes her parents nightly fignts pretty well, too...
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Certain Hope

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #36 on: June 30, 2008, 09:55:24 AM »
((((((Amber))))) I was just checking in to see how you're doing.

Never read this poem before, but it's very much like what I have felt... only it was the exchange between my dad's personality/style and my mother's neuroses/compulsions, dueling it out within me. And I've felt... that once they knocked the stuffing out of each other, what would be left = the real me.

Hang in there.

Love,
Carolyn

sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #37 on: July 01, 2008, 11:20:38 AM »
Yesterday was a rough day. Set my goals way too high for Twiggy...

so I relented. A little. Let her smoke some. (The admonition to not FORCE the quit is still with me - but I have firmly PUSHED - as any good parent would, ya know?)

Up way too early again this morning - still writing, working out this deal of "letting go"... what it is... how it works. Twiggy had one more story - about a horrible storm in 1969. It was so extreme, I was able to find out about it still - on the 'net. Twiggy was out IN that storm with her mom & brother... they were in the process of moving... and she was very, very scared the rest of that dark & howling night. 18 people died in that storm. Twiggy felt as if it were the end of the world.

Today, is like the day after the storm. Something has lifted - or let go. Everything is fine.

Yesterday's heebee jeebies about nicotine are gone, too. It's OK that I don't have cigarettes - I can think & work just fine. Maybe even better, because I was prompted to post something earlier - that I thought better of. Would only call down more abuse on me & Twigs. Not frantically replacing nicotine with munchies... not freaking out about it (not having smokes) anymore.

It feels do-able. Easy. The storm is over...

Now, there's only the clean-up....
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #38 on: July 01, 2008, 01:41:55 PM »




Hi PR,

I'm picturing you calmly doing one task after the other.  I picture you purposed in your actions about what needs to be done to wrap up this 'quit smoking project' and moving on.

I'm an unrepenting capitasist, so I'd be thinking, what am I going to do with all that extra cash?  401K it, charity, bury it in the back yard...Uhmmmm.  :lol:

tt




sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #39 on: July 01, 2008, 02:23:02 PM »
The plan is $3.50/day in a coffee can... $24.50/week...
Then maybe I'll buy myself a new bathing suit when I go the beach in October...

(sometimes calmly doing one task at a time - sometimes, not - right now.)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #40 on: July 01, 2008, 03:46:25 PM »




Hi PR,

There you go.  Why not stack those coffee cans full of money very artfully in the front yard, and call it a progressive, one can at a time added sculpture.  No one would be the wiser.  No touch the sculpture!

tt

Certain Hope

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #41 on: July 01, 2008, 04:49:44 PM »
(((((Amber)))))  you really are doing it!

I was reading some articles earlier... on the topic of living with intention... and these reminded me of you. Intentional, deliberate, focused, determined, successful... congratulations on this AND on being such a loving parent to yourself.

With love,
Carolyn

sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #42 on: July 07, 2008, 10:20:44 AM »
Just a quick update - a "news from the front" blurb - not much time right now.

The work continues - and I've run into something within myself that's amazingly powerful. I've spent the last 5 days LEARNING about this side of myself... (Carolyn: yes, I accept that I am those things you listed - even tho' it's completely counter to the idea that I've lived with for 40 years, that I'm powerless & abused...).

So no, I've not quit yet. Still looking at it... learning... and "letting go" - but the big news is, that what I'm letting go is completely unexpected; a big surprise to me. This whole process is turning out to be very very different than what I anticipated, too. Not painful... not a "fight"... more of having the smoke clear from my eyes - so that I can finally see clearly.

Been working on defining the positives about me - the things that were me BEFORE everything happened; the things that abuse couldn't touch, hurt or change; the things that made me susceptible to the abuse in the first place... but since, I've got real boundaries now - no one can ever do this to me again.

I am not who I was when I first joined the board.
I am not who I was last week.

I am who I've always been - but I'm coming out of "hiding" in many, many ways.

Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Certain Hope

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #43 on: July 07, 2008, 11:34:15 AM »
Dear Amber,

Yes, coming out of hiding. I feel it, too... and am experiencing it.

When we're able to clear away our own shadows and stand apart from all the old defenses, then...

well... I think it's .... growing up.
And it's learning to be intimate... with ourselves. Not just examining and shuffling the feelings and sorting and all, but actually allowing for closure.
Acceptance.

I was reading in the David Richo book about becoming an adult
about how the telling of an event over and over without feeling and closure is a form of avoidance and doesn't lead to change.
He was saying that the story gets in the way of us knowing our real feelings, but
it's processing those feelings with opens the door to let us get on with our lives.
That processing part is what had me stumped... but it really is just in the struggling with it all that we can, as he writes, "reintegrate at a higher level of functioning". And here I'd been whuppin up on myself for struggling... when all along it's the struggle which allows for growth.

Anyhow, it's good to read you, Amber... and welcome out of hiding!

Love,
Carolyn



sKePTiKal

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Re: Obsession vs Self-Acceptance
« Reply #44 on: July 07, 2008, 05:01:31 PM »
Quote
I was reading in the David Richo book about becoming an adult
about how the telling of an event over and over without feeling and closure is a form of avoidance and doesn't lead to change.
He was saying that the story gets in the way of us knowing our real feelings, but
it's processing those feelings with opens the door to let us get on with our lives.
That processing part is what had me stumped... but it really is just in the struggling with it all that we can, as he writes, "reintegrate at a higher level of functioning". And here I'd been whuppin up on myself for struggling... when all along it's the struggle which allows for growth.

LOL! I've been struggling & telling the story (well, reliving it emotionally.... more accurate) for 3-4 years now. Yes, the struggle DOES allow for growth. What's odd is that the growth that happens is invisible for the longest time... it's so quiet, pure & simple that it simply doesn't register on one's awareness until one day.... you have that "AHA!!" .... and it settles into place and the world - and you - aren't the same anymore.

What I'm finding - what I suspect - is that the thing I have to let go is that same story. It WAS me... just like I once was a tall, skin & bones teenager... I have to let that ME go... 'coz, honey, I ain't never gonna be 100lbs soaking wet AGAIN!!!!

And all the inner child work? Well, Twiggy grew up while I was working through her story... SHE became different, with different feelings, over that time-span, too. She has been HEALING those long-ago wounds through my work - getting what she needed THEN. SHE is ready to let that part of her story go, too. Being places and doing things that remind her of then - well, that's just not all that interesting to her anymore. Not that she doesn't have compassion and empathy for those going through similar things - she & I both do. But it's time to move on....

Letting go isn't the same as forgetting. It's a going BEYOND... into something different. Something that doesn't resemble what has passed for a definition of me and my life up till now. And there are many, many lessons & treasures from the past that can go into the beyond - but it's not the main reason for my being, anymore. More on that tomorrow....
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.