Releasing Expectations

[Certain Hope]

http://www.drjontry.com/articles/ahhh.htm

This is all part and parcel of what I'm working on with relation to overcoming the last remnants of perfectionism.

An excerpt:

We stay stuck in endless cycles of thinking the same thoughts about our lives. Seeing the world and other people's actions and motivations in ways that confirm our view of who and how we are, and how others are–in relation to us. We seem to look at many aspects of our life circumstances as chance occurrences beyond our control or desire. And, when we allow ourselves to admit it, feel helpless and sad about people we love who aren't living life as we think they "should". We seem to be capable of bringing sadness upon ourselves without too much effort. Simply through the way in which we view the world around us.

We have all had the experience of believing people we care about were making what we consider to be poor choices and being able to "let go" of our [usually unacknowledged] need to steer them in the right direction or control how they were making their decisions. Trying to direct the world to conform to our wishes requires tremendous energy. We need to be hyper-vigilant–watching all the time to prevent those we love, or care about, from mistakes we see (assume) they will be making.

Sometimes the letting go has more to do with how we are perceiving the world...


More on this to come.

Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Quote: 

Repulsive "Wifely Expectations" pact emerges in Iowa kidnap case
 
This country, as you know, is filled with the deranged.
And then there's Travis Frey, a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap). Frey, prosecutors contend, apparently is a rather demanding guy.
In fact, he actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document--a "Contract of Wifely Expectations"--that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities.
In return for fulfilling certain requirements, Frey (pictured right) offered "Good Behavior Days," or GBDs. Each GBD, Frey wrote, could be redeemed by his wife to "get out of doing the things" he requested daily.
A copy of the proposed contract, which Frey's wife never signed and later provided to cops, can be found below. While we normally point out the highlights of most documents, there are so many in this demented, and very graphic, contract, we really can't do it justice. So set aside ten minutes--and prepare to be repulsed. (4 pages)

WARNING:    
 Please use extreme caution. You may not wish to view this graphic document.  Repulsive is too mild a term, imo.   I only glanced and had to close the page.

Yet this is an example - a very extreme example (there are many milder-appearing ones) of so many symptoms and perversions... when a sense of entitlement and expectations go so terribly awry - - - - and a human being can be viewed as an object, a mere tool, to be exploited for someone else's gratification.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

[Gabben]

http://www.drjontry.com/articles/ahhh.htm

We stay stuck in endless cycles of thinking the same thoughts about our lives.

Sometimes the letting go has more to do with how we are perceiving the world...

Dear Carolyn,

This was good for me to read this AM. I have been working on letting go of the attachments to how others see me as well as letting go of the need to be seen and be loved.

Sure, we all need love - But, my need for love ran along the lines of codependent love rather than a God dependent love and a self-respect.

Having the goal in mind to make God the center of my life has helped me; I know that it is only Him that matters in how I am seen as well as it is God's opinion of me that really matters, no one else's. Getting this on deep levels has taken time and a journey into deeper territories of my heart to heal old self-contempt (my imperfections that I hated about myself).

Last night, I spoke at a AA meeting; I had no expectations afterwards about how others would respond to my speaking - my mind was peaceful. When I spoke I came from my heart, I was real, showing my underbelly at times in a dignified way. After the meetings many people came up to me wanting to talk - I could see respect and appreciation in others eyes for me. That was nice, it actually made me nervous, I wanted to run. I realized that rejection is more comfortable for me than love.

Nevertheless there was that part of me that enjoyed the positive attention. However, I could not allow myself to stay in the place of feeding off of that or wanting more. Rather, I just wanted to know and focus on that what I shared in the meeting was what God wanted me to share, I just wanted to be at peace...But I was not at peace.... completely....Instead I wanted to rehash my share and think about..........drum roll.......ME. LOL!

I still have a ways to go, but thank heavens I will never be perfect in this lifetime.

Thank you for this thread...I feel so much better just writing this out and sharing it with you.

Yesterday I missed your presence from the board in the morning. Today I was happy to see posts from you.

Peace to you on your Tuesday.

Lise

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lise,

I'm so glad the article was good for you. It helped me, too... and I'm very glad to read you this morning!

Thanks for missing me, yesterday. It's definitely nice to be missed... and valued.

This is important stuff, I think. Letting go of control over other peoples' vision and choices, relying upon ourselves to to define our selves,
learning that we really will survive the waves of misunderstanding and disagreement, and that it really is okay to say - enough.

It can be really hard knowing when to say, "when"... but I'm determined not to cue in on it only once my cup is brimming over with pain.

So all of this releasing of expectations and adjustment of perspective fits in with a new awareness of what's really important to each of us as an individual... to me, personally... and... to what do we really want to devote our time, attention, and energy.

Hanging on to expectations makes me reactive, instead of pro-active... that's what I'm learning.
And it's time to change that.

Thank you so much for sharing with me about your speaking last night. I really understand all the shades of attitude you described.... and the emotions that come along with it. Thankfully God knows we're earthen vessels, right?   The harder I try not to, the more I'm bound to think about.... ME, too!  lol
But you know... when I start thinking about all the many failures and slips, I remember that sometimes the most important thing - - - okay, maybe ALWAYS the most important thing - - - is just to  s h o w    u p. 
And you did that... with colors flying... you showed up, heart and all. That's what those people saw and knew and appreciated.
Just like I've always appreciated you, no matter what.

Thanks for being here,

Love,
Carolyn