Been feeling lousy

[Juno]

I'm definitely going to keep calling back until I can get an appointment.  And a good soaking tonight.  And I would very much like to be done with this depression.  It's so exhausting.

[lighter]

Well... in any case....

don't beat yourself up.

Be kind, treat yourself as you would a welcomed guest.

Let the voice inside your head be patient.... ask yourself what you need... if you're hungry.... what you need to do in the moment.... gently and with kindness.

Facing terrible things can make us sleepy and emotionally exhausted.

Sometimes we need help, so.....

I'm  glad you'll continue calling for appt: )

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Was checking in Juno, and see you have many supporters and comfort going your way.

Keep on trying, meds and therapy appear to be called for, but your system will know best about the medication
xx
Izzy

[Juno]

The counselor called back a few minutes ago and I have an appointment for next Wednesday.  Trying not to get my hopes up too far, but she sounded nice on the phone.  I'm worried I will screw this up.  Lately I have so much trouble getting along with people.  If I annoy the counselor how will she be able to help me?  I want this to work.  But for it to work, I have to be my real self.  And my real self can be a real pain in the butt.

Well, I did it.  I'm going to try.

[Certain Hope]

Wonderful, Juno!

Your real self is the one who wants help... and that's just how it should be!!

I think that any trained counselor worth her salt would be glad to have a client who's a genuine person, willing to reveal herself honestly and receive honest feedback. In fact, I think that's pretty rare!

Congratulations on following through - you have done great! And I am so glad she called you back first thing this morning. That's a very good sign, I think.

Love,
Carolyn

P.S.   I'm still having a hard time imagining you as a pain in the butt, tho!

edited because I hit "send" too soon.

[Juno]

I looked her up on-line and she doesn't have a website but she may be the person I found who graduated from a good school around here in 1984--so if that is her, she should have quite a bit of experience by now.  Maybe she's already heard it all.  Maybe she'll think I'm just your run of the mill depressed person.  And I can definitely be a pain in the butt--just ask any of my Ns  .

[Certain Hope]

I looked her up on-line and she doesn't have a website but she may be the person I found who graduated from a good school around here in 1984--so if that is her, she should have quite a bit of experience by now.  Maybe she's already heard it all.  Maybe she'll think I'm just your run of the mill depressed person. 

Sounds good, Juno... and that's what I do, also - - Google is our friend!  lol

As far as having a run of the mill, ordinary depression... hey, that may actually be some of the best news possible! Let the depression be ordinary! You are still extra-ordinary, unique, and exceptional.

I was reading last night about the connection between repressed anger and depression (being anger turned inward, etc.) and how we can unwittingly become partners in our own destruction. Knowledge and awareness are a good start to digging out, I think!  Here's the link to the subject index, in case you're interested. There are several different subtopic links under depression.

Link inserted on edit... whoops!     http://www.guidetopsychology.com/topics.htm

 

And I can definitely be a pain in the butt--just ask any of my Ns  .

.....which is just exactly as it should be 

((((((Juno)))))) please keep in touch.

Love,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Juno,

Is your appointment tomorrow or next week?

Just checking.

Love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

Carolyn--it's next week.  Gives me a lot of time to mull it over and get myself all worked up!  I should be pretty beat by then, too--vacation season at work so I will be working the early shift nearly every day.  Of course, the more tired I am the more my defenses sort of fall by the wayside.  Maybe that will be good.  At any rate, we shall see.

[Certain Hope]

Okay, Juno... thanks. Just wanted to be sure.

I expect you'll be able to get out just exactly what needs to come out... at just exactly the right time.
That's how it seems to work, when a person is ready.

Hugs,
Carolyn

[Juno]

I think I'm ready this time.

[Izzy_*now*]

Good for you, Juno

Remember to not 'freeze up' with information about yourself. The therapists have heard everything, and saying some things out loud, to another, is the first step in making them go away.

Listen to the therapist to make sure he/she is on the same page with you and not takiing off in another direction, as you  might have been misunderstood.

I am not trying to scare you. Just as happens on this Board, people misunderstand one another. The therapist can be your best freind!

Love
Izzy

[Juno]

Thank you Izzy.  I will keep this in mind.  I am worried that I will be "unlikeable" because of the things I may have to talk about and also my anger.  In real life people don't want to hear these things.  At least my people don't.  I'm afraid I will get my feelings hurt again if the therapist can't understand me or doesn't fit with me.  I've had so many slaps in the face in my life.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Juno,

I'm don't know much about it, but...  therapists aren't really supposed to operate from the level of liking or disliking people, are they?

I mean... if you were to start getting vibes that a professional has a personal view of you one way or another like that, seems like it'd be a clue that things might be headed in the wrong direction.

Izzy's right, I think...  these folks have heard it all - and that's pretty comforting, actually.
And it really does change everything to get your own honest words out there into the air... especially when there's another human being sitting there in front of you whom you do not have to try to impress.

You sure sound ready to me!  Just wishing you the very best.

Love,
Carolyn

[gjazz]

juno: one thing you said in your first message on this thread really resonated with me, which is the fear of letting people know important things about you, for fear that knowledge will be used against you.  In my family, this was my NF's daily routine.  He tried to find out what was going on in our lives that we liked, cared about, enjoyed--so he could destroy them by mocking, denigrating, putting down, humiliating.  Over and over this pattern played out.  So I learned that if something or someone was precious to me, I could never, ever trust my family to know about it.  This has played out in my adult life as well, and in the one time I tried therapy. I just couldn't trust my therapist with the things she might have been able to help me with.  I hope for you that you can just take the leap of faith, trust that this woman will be able to help you, and that in any event sharing those past experiences openly will relieve some of the burden of carrying them around in your head.  hang in there.

re: anti-depressants, there is one that has worked for me, and it's natural and over-the-counter: SAMe.  It only works for depression caused by certain chemical imbalances, but it's easily Google-able, if you aren't familiar with it already.