How Rude! Locked Topic

[dandylife]

Leah,

I was surprised to find your "How Rude!" topic locked. I just wanted to reply with this,

"Rude and abusive people have apologists to defend them. Anna Freud called this phenomenon "identification with the aggressor." Some call it "The Stockholm Syndrome." It means making excuses for the wrongdoer, and is a behavior often seen in the friends of bullies, who go along with their powerful friends' mischief in order to avoid being the victims of it themselves.

It's also seen in those people who shift blame away from the aggressor and onto the victims, by telling the victims, "Maybe you provoked ........"  and "It's not your place to judge others" and "You should turn the other cheek" as well as (paradoxically) "Well, you should have stood up for yourself!"


I found that so interesting. Early on in my relationship with my partner, I asked how he knew that he was loved. He said, "If someone defends me."

I often had (and sometimes still do) a compulsion to explain away his rude behavior. I stop myself most of the time now and let him take his own consequences, which often is a loss of friendship.

Dandylife

[Leah]

Leah,

I was surprised to find your "How Rude!" topic locked. I just wanted to reply with this,

"Rude and abusive people have apologists to defend them. Anna Freud called this phenomenon "identification with the aggressor." Some call it "The Stockholm Syndrome." It means making excuses for the wrongdoer, and is a behavior often seen in the friends of bullies, who go along with their powerful friends' mischief in order to avoid being the victims of it themselves.

It's also seen in those people who shift blame away from the aggressor and onto the victims, by telling the victims, "Maybe you provoked ........"  and "It's not your place to judge others" and "You should turn the other cheek" as well as (paradoxically) "Well, you should have stood up for yourself!"

I found that so interesting. Early on in my relationship with my partner, I asked how he knew that he was loved. He said, "If someone defends me."

I often had (and sometimes still do) a compulsion to explain away his rude behavior. I stop myself most of the time now and let him take his own consequences, which often is a loss of friendship.

Dandylife

Hi Dandylife,

Oh, I do apologize, if you had mentioned, I would have been only to happy to unlock it.

Yesterday was a bit too much for me, so I locked it, for a personal boundary.


Oh, my goodness, what you have said is so true - for indeed, when I was covered in bruises I was actually asked;  "what did you do?"!!


I can't thank you enough, truly, for validating my own personal reality.

Regarding friendships, I prefer to lose the friendship over and above accepting ongoing "rudeness" behavior   (expressed in any of the several guises).

An international author once said,  " quality of friendships is paramount over quantity "   and you know, I believe that to be a healthy choice.


Blame Shifting is insidiously cruel to the victim.


My ex-husband never accepted responsibility for anything in his life, honestly.   Always an excuse.    And my love for him was to be demonstrated in silent acceptance - with support for him.

I never received support, not really, and I am grateful for being born with resilience.    which is true and is documented by a professional person  (and I have a copy in my life folder).


Oh, Dandylife, you asked how he knew that he was loved. He said, "If someone defends me."    

That could well have be written with regard to my ex-husband !

I often had (and sometimes still do) a compulsion to explain away his rude behavior.

I have to be honest and confess to having done the same, for I explained away my ex-h' behavior -- to myself, and to others.

What springs to mind is a social setting wherein one of our friends said to me "I wish I had someone like you to defend me!"   I thought it a compliment at the time, as being a good wife!

Love is an emotion that may sometimes override sense and sensibility, I think.   


Thank you for sharing and in doing so, affording me a most precious opportunity to share also. 

Love & best wishes,

Leah

[dandylife]

Leah,

Thanks once again for a timely and informative post. Your information is validating to me, as well.

Dandylife

[Lupita]

A sudent said, "I have a picture of my d**k, do you want to see it?"
I wrote him up. The principal told me that he did not say that. That I was hearing things, that I had to develop a thicker skin, that I did not like to teach, that I did not connected with the kids.

My boss all the times ask. what did you do? he never held the students accountable. never!!!!!

That is abuse.

The amount of disrespect allowed in that school is just amazing. And they call themseleves Christians.

Two students scared me in the lady's bathroom and the principal said that I overreacted because I yelled at them.

I cant even think about that school and those people with out getting nauseated.

[Leah]

Hi Lupita,

Thank you for inserting some  **  asterisks this time, as I recall responding to you regarding this incident on another thread, and expressed my understanding of you being abusively Invalidated.

I always try to remember that anyone can call themselves a 'Christian'   (my mother did).

however, it is by their "Fruits" we shall know them, truly, all is clearly evident in their behavior, words and actions.

Of course, some do veer off the pathway - that is when a true Christian reaches out - with thoughts of the parable of the ONE Lost Sheep   (and the 99 who were okay).   Who reached out?

What you have been through is akin to my experience in a church wherein I endured spiritual abuse.

So, I do genuinely extend genuine empathy and understanding to you.

Hence, the big difference is that of being known as a Christian.

I try to retain an awareness that each person has the ownership of their own personal thoughts, feelings, words and actions.  It is each individuals own choice as to what they do or don't do.

And, I cannot bring about a change in anyone.

And, I do think that the "Rudeness" behavior is unnecessary, and unhealthy, in all human interactions.

Love to you,

Leah

[Leah]

for clarification:

"Rudeness" behavior as in ...


10. Passive-aggressive:  (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)

    * Put-downs
    * Sarcasm
    * Insults
    * Rudeness
    * Sabotage
    * Intimidation
    * Belittling Remarks



Leah x