Wherever you go, there you are

[Lupita]

Carrying the baggage. I am doing it. I suffer an anxiety attach today due to my friend N. I did not enforced my boundaries. Then I feel offended then I panic, then a get in to more trouble. My friend N offered to help me move. I thought I would get a small U-haul. He wants to drive it. He says that if I hit somebody I will ruin everything. I said if you hit somebody  I have to pay for it. Then, he said that I should storage my washer and dryer in his house. What if I do not see him anymore? What if he moves? I bought them in Sears, I paid 500 dollars for each. I know that after two years their value is nothing, but I don not have money to get new ones.  I told him I did not want to do that and he has insisted three times. He opens my boxes and tells me why I am keeping this or the other. He tells me how to do things, and everything I do is incorrect. I always attract this kind of people. A member of the choir in church came today to help me, he is a good man of god and has a wife in the choir and he offers to drive the truck for me and help me tomorrow. I said yes and I said Thank you Lord. Tomorrow I am going to be having problems. I know that N is going to be offended. I know that if I enforce a boundary I have to be prepared to lose a friend. Now, I accepted his help and  he made plans and I do not like the way he treats me. My son said it was my fault because I should have enforce boundaries since the beginning. When he visits me, he opens doors, he smells things, he behaves like he is looking for something. He makes me paranoid. I know he is a good person. I know he is not a bad person but he makes me feel bad. He overwhelms me. It is the same feeling that I had with GFM, exactly the same panic.

I am not ready yet. I am improving. But still full of BS. My brain is betraying me.

New job, new place---------------------------------> Same fears!!!!!!!!!!   

[lupine]

I know that if I enforce a boundary I have to be prepared to lose a friend

Could I rephrase this for you? 

I know that if I enforce a boundary I have to prepared to lose an acquaintance.

[Ami]

I am sorry you are hurting, Lupita.
You are doing really well and have made great progress. I am thinking of you as you start your new adventure.     Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Lupita - I agree with Lupine: someone who you are afraid of isn't your friend. And even a "friend" wouldn't continually criticize you, as he has done. Friends don't do that.

I almost always realize I need to set a boundary - after the cows are out of the fence. But it's never too late to round them up and close the gate securely again!
Your son is an expert on boundaries now? Is that what you said???   

::

You will meet new people in your new place. You will have new routines - favorite places. You will be able to grow & flourish...more and more... and the YOU that lives there will get be just enough different, so that "wherever you go, there you are" is actually a happy, good thing!  (and btw: bs is excellent fertilizer for tomatoes, peppers & rose...)  O;-)

[Certain Hope]

When he visits me, he opens doors, he smells things, he behaves like he is looking for something. He makes me paranoid. I know he is a good person. I know he is not a bad person but he makes me feel bad. He overwhelms me. It is the same feeling that I had with GFM, exactly the same panic.

Dear Lupita,

Besides the fact that this person sounds extremely pushy, the part quoted above is just plain creepy. Very creepy!

It is not your fault that he is this way.
And it is not your fault if he is offended when you tell him that someone else is helping you tomorrow.
And thank God He did provide someone else... that is awesome.

No, this stuff is not in your head... your mind is working just fine when it agrees with these feelings you've described.
I think you have done very well with this!

Can you call this "N" person and tell him you will not need his assistance tomorrow?

Love,
Carolyn

P.S.  on edit... I agree with Lupine and Amber, too. A friend does not badger you that way and constantly criticize.

[lighter]

Sorry this is so uncomfortable for you, Lupe.

And you were so happy about the new place, too.

I guess enforcing boundaries is very difficult.... and that's just the way it is.

If I was you I'd journal my conversation with N until I was very calm and steady with all the WHY's of that discomfort.

You'll be able to have the conversation with him more easily if you're very secure in your feelings and aren't frightened by the emotions you don't understand.

Figure it out then get happy again.  Stop dreading..... it's just a conversation.

You aren't firing him or telling him he has a dreaded disease for goodness sake.

You're stating a boundary, and sticking by it.

If he leaves... he wasn't prepared to respect your boundaries.

At least you recognize the core problem and can work on it.

Calm down... breath.... this isn't rocket science and you're worthy of having your boundaries respected.

(((lupita)))  Be strong and calm and YOU!

Lighter

[Lupita]

I agree with all of you. I just do not know how to respond. I told my friend of the church, the choir singer who is coming tomorrow. I hope that he will help. But, I need to start enforcing boundaries on my own, from the beginning. My friend N called md today again asn asked me what I was going to do with my washer and dryer. i said, I am going to put it in storage. Silence. I did not say anything, then he said, where do I meet you yo drive the U-haul, I said, I am going to drive it. Silence. He said, God is helping you right now and you doubt it. You should be grateful. I said, I am nervous. Anybody moving gets nervious.
End of conversation. He is coming at 9 when I already have the truck here. My crhuch friend will drive it, he is 65 and he has a lot of experience. And he does not yell at me.

My mother wanted to come I said I could skip a year and she said that if she came I should be a good daughter and not to mistreat Her. She mistreats me not viceverse. Then I said OK. Then she said that tickets are too expensive and she does not know if she will or not. She really dislikes me.

Anyway, despite all, I think I am improving.

I didnot give N the washer and dryer and he is not going to drive the truck althoough he deos not know that.

So, I might have a big show tomorrow, but not infront fo an american choir singer, he wont do that. I dont think so. So, I will be protected. I am moving far, and I do not belive he is going to drive just to see me. He is very lazy and selfish. I am disapointed of him. I am glad I see it now and not later.

God always helps me. I just do not relize it.

Thank you all for your responses.

Big day tomorrow.

Love to you.

Lupita

[CB123]

Oh, Lupita,

I think some people are such caretakers that they can't see that they are trampling boundaries underfoot.  Unfortunately, they rarely ever get it, so you are going to have to brace your boundaries for heavy foot action!

I think you handled it exactly right--that doesnt mean it was comfortable though.  I think you should definitely hang onto the washer and dryer.  I had the bright idea that I would store mine over the summer and use the apt. complex ones (keep from heating up my apt.)  Bad idea.  I cant get out to do laundry all at once and I'm going crazy.

I still can't get over the fact that you are going to live in a beach house.  I am so happy for you!  But I wish there was another one next door!

Love
CB

[Certain Hope]

Anyway, despite all, I think I am improving.

(((((((Lupita)))))))   I am just way over here reading along, but I think so, too.

You sound so determined and ready to move forward... it's wonderful.
Thank you for sharing your progress here. It's very, very encouraging to me.

Love,
Carolyn

[teartracks]

Hi Lupita,

I always got comfort from reading this verse that God spoke to Joshua as he prepared to go into the Promised Land.  Hope it comforts you too as you establish your new home.


Joshua

1:3 Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you, as I said unto Moses.

tt