On Ns, Ps, and other disorder

[darren]

It seems I've been through much thats been quite traumatizing.  I've gone through many phases but anger seems to be seeping through lately.  At times I pity the abuser, sometimes I've hated the abuser, but often I don't know whats okay to feel.  If I'm angry or upset about the things that happen, I become a heartless abuser.  If I show compassion and forgiveness, then I'm a wimp.  If I'm sad then I'm seeking to be rescued and throwing a pity party.  Sometimes I didn't stand up for myself, and sometimes I let anger rule my life.  Its sucks to feel angry, and to not be able to express it.  Its hard to hate.

[lighter]

I think we stop with the struggle you speak of....

when we've reached understanding....

acceptance.....

and

detachment.

Until then..... it's the imotional roller coaster you speak of.....

that leads to overcoming.

Lighter

ps.... you're entitled to feelings of anger for past abuse.

Give yourself permission to feel that and don't feel guilt over it.

You're also entitled to feel empathy for people who can't do any better.... no matter how pathetic.

It's understanding and losing hope for a different outcome.... that frees us....

in my humble opinion, of course.

[Certain Hope]

Darren,

I'm sorry it's such a tangled mess.
Been thinking along similar lines and it's just so weary-making.

Sitting with the feelings, without acting on them, brings a release of its own.
It's really difficult to just let them be... but pretty soon you start to realize that those feelings don't define you.

Feeling angry doesn't make you a rager... and a flash of desire for revenge doesn't make you an abuser.
Sadness doesn't have to linger forever, either... although sometimes it seems like it will.

Hope you will make a peaceful spot for your self to rest up from all of this.

Carolyn

[darren]

I think we stop with the struggle you speak of....

when we've reached understanding....

acceptance.....

and

detachment.

Until then..... it's the imotional roller coaster you speak of.....

that leads to overcoming.

Lighter

ps.... you're entitled to feelings of anger for past abuse.

Give yourself permission to feel that and don't feel guilt over it.

You're also entitled to feel empathy for people who can't do any better.... no matter how pathetic.

It's understanding and losing hope for a different outcome.... that frees us....

in my humble opinion, of course.

Thanks lighter, thats very poetic =)  I understand, but its hard... like is mentioned in another thread of got some people scapegoating me.  Its tough to feel empathy, anger, and guilt as though you are responsible for the abuse or don't have a right to feel the way you do.  I suppose I should let it out and not care what other people believe, and start believing in myself again.

[lighter]

YES!

::pointing to nose::

Exactly.

Lighter

[darren]

Darren,

I'm sorry it's such a tangled mess.
Been thinking along similar lines and it's just so weary-making.

Sitting with the feelings, without acting on them, brings a release of its own.
It's really difficult to just let them be... but pretty soon you start to realize that those feelings don't define you.

Feeling angry doesn't make you a rager... and a flash of desire for revenge doesn't make you an abuser.
Sadness doesn't have to linger forever, either... although sometimes it seems like it will.

Hope you will make a peaceful spot for your self to rest up from all of this.

Carolyn

Thanks for this Carolyn, I hope I do to.  Its good to know other people have been through it all too and understand.

[darren]

YES!

::pointing to nose::

Exactly.

Lighter

Well, that was quite easy to resolve =)  Its easier said than done though, but now I know what to work on.  Thanks for reminding me of what I already know but often forget.

[lighter]

Two steps forward...

One step back.

The reality keeps going in and out of focus....

it's so painful and improbable.....

how can we make peace with such irrational truths?

We want it to be different, after all.

The saying goes.....

"it's hope that kills us."

Giving up hope can be painful, maybe even feel like it may kill us.....

but there's no going round it, if we're to move beyond pain and find something better.

((darren))

Lighter

[Certain Hope]

I prefer to say, It's the "If Onlys" that kill us!

You're welcome, Darren.

Carolyn

[lighter]

And... of course it isn't easy, Darren.

It's so painful... most people can't go there.

I have to believe.... as long as we're focused on figuring it out....

we keep facing the pain, if only in spurts....

and getting closer to "beyond."

No matter how much time it takes.

Lighter