Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

The shaming tactic fails to work on me

(1/4) > >>

ch:
Tigerlily's coming to terms with her embarrassment with her Nmother in previous posts reminded me about how i dealt with mine some years ago.

My Nmother tried to embarrass me again by telling the waiter how it was a first time and a once-in-a-lifetime event for me to treat her to a meal on Mother's Day.  I couldn't believe what a pathological liar she was.  It was heart-sickening to pay that bill and to condone her behavior.  I had since regretted it so much. I also resented my father for sitting there and letting it happen.  No defense. No truth-seeking. No fairness. No caring. :X

But during another year, she manipulated me to take her shopping and manipulated me to pay for her purchases, as usual.  I paid for the items alright. And I took notice that she never showed any signs of appreciation, but nevertheless, i made it very clear that it was to be considered her Mother's day present for that year.   Later, at the official Mother's Day dinner which included extended family enough for a banquet sized party, i refused to budge when the bill came.  My uncle gave me a look of disapproval, but i refused to be manipulated further.   I got over the shame and embarrassment instantly.  It didn't hurt at all.  I felt empowered that i was in control of my own behavior.  :)

I figured that it didn't hurt to sabotage their sick games.  their shaming tactics should not work on me.  i felt good taking control of myself again.  As for anyone giving me looks of disapproval, i would say, "hey, if you care to ask me what is going on, i would glady tell you. and i will state the facts.  i have already given my mother a mother's day gift.  and this dinner for 10 people is not part of it because i cannot afford it."

For father's day, Nmother tried to pull another one on me, but it didn't work.  First, i have to explain that while growing up, Nmother never cared to celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or special occasions.  My parents are not the kind to appreciate arts and crafts made by children, or anything of that kind. They also never cared to give or receive cards from anyone. Another thing i need to explain is that some time ago, my Nmother manipulated me into paying her rent for having a room in her house which i stayed in once or twice a week.  I agreed to it and contributed timely, despite my state of unemployment.

A month after the Mother's day fiasco, she announced to me that she bought a father's day card for us and wanted us kids to sign it and give to my father.  She also told us that she put some money in the card and that now we kids (brother and me) owe her for the money.  

Lying on my bed and thinking it through after one minute, i decided to announce to her, "well, you'll either have to skip giving the father's day money or you'll have to take it out of my rent money, because i don't have any extra to give. and i don't want to owe you anything!!"  
 
I'm sure it infuriated her which would explain why we no longer talk. And i am glad about that because i have enough crap to sort out and clean up from my childhood with her!!   Enough is enough!!
 :evil:

Discounted Girl:
I repeatedly invited my parents out to dinner and to my home for dinners, fish fries, parties, etc. (only about half the time did they show up, due to her "not feeling well"). In any event, I entertained them many, many times. That said -- one time while I was at their home taking care of it while they were on vacation I saw a newspaper clipping she had stuck to her refrigerator. I think it was a Dear Abby column, but it said "Happiness is having your daughter call and say, 'hey, mom, why don't you and dad come over for dinner?'" -- I was totally blown away ... that old bag left that on the refrigerator for me to see, but why? I was always inviting them over. I would cook my brains out on Thanksgiving and Christmas and then I got to look at that on the refrigerator while I am over there tending to their house? I also remember hearing about how my brother spent over $200 on a dinner for them, his wife and children and his wife's parents. First of all, that was nice for him to take them out, but where did they go for only $200 for all those people? Second of all, were they adding up the tabs? If so, we passed by the $200 mark long before that. The backstabbing, lies, efforts to humiliate and embarrass never stop -- it is their life's work. These jerks must think they are compiling data for a thesis or something -- we are experiments to prove some sick theory. Pox on them all !!

tigerlily:
Hi
My mother actually used to look miserable when I gave her a very nice gift.  I never understood that.  And I also remember when I went home one time and we were out shopping I decided to buy two nice sweaters for myself for winter. She actually started getting agitated about my buying them- I was a married woman with children, spending my money, and she was freaking.  The only thing I could think of about her reaction was that she either was jealous that I could afford something she could not and maybe she thought I was trying to show her up, or else that she realized she no longer  had any control over what I did for myself.  It was so weird.

Discounted Girl:
i remember several years ago I wore a hairstyle that required a very precision cut, so I had a standing appt to get it cut every 6 weeks (otherwise, it lost its style) -- well, she chastised me greatly saying I was selfish and extravagant. I continued to get my hair cut, but she succeeded in making me feel bad. I also remember when I went to LasVegas she just hollered and told me how could I do such a thing ,, to leave my kids for 3 days and go out to that place. What an old bag ... She also threw a fork at me one time when I told her that a man friend from out of town was coming to spend the weekend with us. I don't know why I felt I had to tell her in the first place, but she got mad and threw a fork at me. That is why I say, her hatred of me is so deep that I would not turn my back on her ever again. Now that she is in her twilight years, she might get bolder thinking time is short to do me in. Monster....

Ellie:
I used to hate holidays that require gift giving. We would spend days trying to think of the right gift for my Nparents. No matter what we got them, they would chastise me. Ndad would say things like "what in the world made you think I would want something like that", or "take it back and get your money back, I don't want anything like this".

Most of the these gifts were shirts for work, or a jacket in the style he liked, or a cap like the kind he wears.

Nmom would open a gift and if it was clothes she would look immediately at the tag and if it was her size she would say "You think I'm this big?????" And if was too small she would say "You just can't get my size right, can you?". If it wasn't clothes she would inspect every centimeter of it looking for something broken. If she couldn't find a flaw, she would put it aside and say she didn't like things like that.

We live 2000 miles from them so we used to video my kids opening the gifts from the grandparents so they could share the holiday. This year Nmom videoed their Christmas morning. My kids wanted to get them something that reminded them of where we live since they will not visit. So they got jackets with the state name and animal embroidered on it. On video Ndad opened his, looked straight at the camera, frowned deeply, set the box down, never said a word, then went to the next box. Nmom opened hers, looked at the camera, laid the box in the floor and said to turn off the camera.

In the past when we videoed the kids for them, I reminded the kids to say thank you, to talk to the grandparents some, to show their gifts, etc. But Nparents knew they were videoing to send this to us, and neither said a word. The kids wanted candy wrapped with the gifts too and neither parent said a single word to my kids. Their expressions were of disgust.

We don't have that worry anymore - there will never be a card, gift, or anything sent to them ever again.

What is it with Ns and gift giving? Are they so engrossed in themselves that there is no gift on earth that would please them? Or is it just the giver that displeases them?

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page