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Trying to find help.

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Anika:

--- Quote ---I always apologise when I get upset in public. It is not good manners to display emotions where people can see them.  
--- End quote ---


Says who? When I see my b/f I am excited and I show it (and if he knows what's good for him he'd better do so as well!  :wink:). When I am frustrated I let people know and it helps me to control myself: "You know, it really frustrates me that I have been waiting all this time and you don't even seem to care." See? That way she knows how I feel and how I preceive her actions. If you just get snippy with someone they may interpret it as you being a butthole and then they will not be as inclined to help you.


--- Quote ---And although it is kind of true that we can control our emotions, there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been suppressed beyond the coping point. Then they kind of spill over like a volcano or something. I always have to leave if I get close to that, because I hate to be seen crying.

--- End quote ---


Aaaaaah! I think I'm beginning to see the problem. Look at what you have written here: there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been supressed beyond the point of coping and above where you wrote it is not good manners to show emotion in public.

Hmmmmm. I see some twisted thinking here. Do you? Do you see a direct relationship between the first sentence I quoted and the second?

Do you ever wonder why it is that other people don't seem to have this problem (the whole volcano thing)? Do you wonder how other people can balance the public display of emotions and not errupt? It's simple: it is NOT bad manners to show emotion in public. It IS bad manners to lose your temper and start screaming like a mad person, but there is no harm in expressing yourself wherever you are - so long as you do it appropriately.

Do not apologize for having feelings or for expressing them. Apologies are only necessary if you lose control of yourself. Instead of supressing your emotions and letting them build up until you can't control them anymore, allow them to surface where you can deal with them and be done with it.

It will be very difficult at first because you will be extremely uncomfortable with all these feelings and emotions. Sometimes they will come at very inopportune times and you will be tempted to sweep them under the carpet for later. Remember, there is nothing wrong with taking a deep breath and admitting that you are frustrated. I like the word frustrated or annoyed better than angry, pissed off, or mad because they get the point across in a less hostile manner.

Anonymous:
[quote.


--- Quote ---And although it is kind of true that we can control our emotions, there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been suppressed beyond the coping point. Then they kind of spill over like a volcano or something. I always have to leave if I get close to that, because I hate to be seen crying.

--- End quote ---


Aaaaaah! I think I'm beginning to see the problem. Look at what you have written here: there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been supressed beyond the point of coping and above where you wrote it is not good manners to show emotion in public.

Hmmmmm. I see some twisted thinking here. Do you? Do you see a direct relationship between the first sentence I quoted and the second?


Absolutely right.  That is the problem.  My feelings are not allowed, to the extent that I have lost touch with them, and they have to work very hard to achieve any kind of acknowledgement.

Conditioned response, I am afraid to say, in common with most of my emotionally repressed family, where emotion is at best ridiculed, and at worst punished.  Yes, I need to get past this and to a point where I share everyone else's human rights.  However, not there yet.

Huge problems from this suppression.  Did this for years to cope with the pain of alcoholic husband (now ex) and two angry families (his and mine) to the extent that my positive emotions became completely numb, and six or more years later they still are.  I have to pretend or assume the positive ones.  The negative ones still get through, if things are bad enough.

The most important thing I have taught my daughter is that her feelings are allowed, whatever they are.  And that she is valuable, not for what she does, but for who she is.  

Still awaiting a date for the beginning of therapy.  Last therapist left me 'severely traumatised', in words of my current doctor.  Not often that anyone manages to understand what is going on, as you have done.  Not the most difficult thing in the world, you would think, but it seems to be beyond the people I have seen to date.

Meanwhile life goes on, but I pay a high price for just surviving.

Thanks, Anika.  I appreciate your help and concern.

Anonymous:
Absolutely right.  That is the problem.  My feelings are not allowed, to the extent that I have lost touch with them, and they have to work very hard to achieve any kind of acknowledgement.

Conditioned response, I am afraid to say, in common with most of my emotionally repressed family, where emotion is at best ridiculed, and at worst punished.  Yes, I need to get past this and to a point where I share everyone else's human rights.  However, not there yet.

Huge problems from this suppression.  Did this for years to cope with the pain of alcoholic husband (now ex) and two angry families (his and mine) to the extent that my positive emotions became completely numb, and six or more years later they still are.  I have to pretend or assume the positive ones.  The negative ones still get through, if things are bad enough.

The most important thing I have taught my daughter is that her feelings are allowed, whatever they are.  And that she is valuable, not for what she does, but for who she is.  

Still awaiting a date for the beginning of therapy.  Last therapist left me 'severely traumatised', in words of my current doctor.  Not often that anyone manages to understand what is going on, as you have done.  Not the most difficult thing in the world, you would think, but it seems to be beyond the people I have seen to date.

Meanwhile life goes on, but I pay a high price for just surviving.  Tried to visit a friend today, but he was out, even though I phoned twice in advance, yesterday and a few days ago.  Waited a while, but he didn't come.  Came home.  More of the same.  Can't be angry, because it was no-one's fault; he tried to ring but I had already left.  Better to stay home.

Thanks, Anika.  I appreciate your help and concern.[/quote]

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