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Hoarding

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Moonflower:
...

Ellie:
My Nmom has lots of memorabilia from our childhood, but will not give it up. I guess it's her way of holding onto us. She has hundreds and hundreds of pictures of us, but I have 2 of me as a baby. I took them without permission. She gave me a small box of nicknacks I was forced to keep over the years and she gave me my yearbooks from high school after she had read everything written in them for 10 years. She has all of the school pictures, papers, and baby clothes. I have a few report cards, but that's about it.

She and Ndad starting buying bonds for us as children and finally gave me mine when I was married and had my children. They said I might be responsible now to spend the money wisely (at age 35).

They have also bought bonds for my children as gifts for every birthday. They put the kids name and their name on the bonds so we could not touch them. I have never asked for them, and could care less if we ever see them - we have the kids college funds going strong at this point. She made a comment a few years ago when we were just starting this journey discovering their abuse that I could sue them like others were doing but we would not get much because they were so poor, but the kids could have their bonds - maybe that would make us happy. That was 5 years ago - not another word since. My kids are 14, 12, and 9. I guess they also have 20-30 years to go before they get their birthday presents.

Anonymous:
Hoarding is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

If you do an internet search, I'm sure you'll get a lot of information about hoarding. It's a mental illness.

bunny

ch:
Wow, those were really good stories which brought back alot of memories for me as i am trying to further understand the mentality of hoarding.  I have similar background and stories, and can resonate with everyone who wrote. I quite agree that she must be stuck as a four-year old.

Those bond stories reminded me of my Nmother too. They love to get those for some strange reason despite the fact they hardly keep up with inflation. Did anyone have any experience where their Nperson had trouble with the concepts of inflation and depreciation as well?

For example, one time, my mother tried to sell her 10 year old laptop for  the same amount as the cost.  My father and i tried to convince her that she would be very lucky and should be very grateful if she could get $50 for it, but she insisted that it was worth its original price tag of $1000 and would not get rid of it for a penny less!! :roll:  So she had had that obsolete, slow-moving, and extremely heavy computer-laptop collecting dust for all these years. I would have gladly given it away much sooner.  

Whenever going shopping with her, she was always frustrated with the weak purchasing power of today's dollar as opposed to 20 years ago.  She always complained that things were too expensive, and didn't like that i reminded her that she was making more money every year with annual raises to keep up with inflation.  She would yell at the sales people with nasty remarks.  Finally, she kept most her shopping to yard sales, and continued tormenting the people by nickling and diming them. it is the most embarrassing experience to accompany her to a yard sale. :oops:

I was traumatized as a child when my Nmother gave away my favorite possession which was a figurine perfume bottle made by AVON. Without any regard to my feelings, she just gave it away to a neighborhood playmate who admired it in passing, and never replaced it no matter how hard i pleaded with her.  I think it hurt so much that i never again got attached to any material  things ever again.  I was 6 years at the time.
In contrast to me, i have always noticed how attached she is with things, and has resorted to stealing toilet tissues, napkins from fast food restaurants, and office supplies from the office, among other things.  i got so used to it that it didn't hurt much whenever she took  paintings from my room. but when she came to my office and wanted things from there, that was the last straw for me.  

Also, she  tried to find a good reason to visit me at my boyfriend's apt on numerous occasions.  Finally, i caught on to her plan, so i made excuses to avoid burglarizing my friend's apt.   There really is no end to this maddening behavior.

I have discoverd that i had hidden too much of my TRUE self in her presence in order to conform and soothe her anxieties.  I am always doubling as both CHILD and PARENT to her.  Its no wonder that i am so exhausted and have made conscious decision to forego childbearing.  Add to the fact that i never found Mr. Right since i was so busy living up to Nparents' expectations. And it was a bad experience to witness the dysfunctional raising of my younger siblings and to help out so much during the babysitting years.  Oh, its so sad how they have ruined my childhood. I'm just glad i'm done with dealing with them now. Nothing will faze me now.  Purging old feelings and distorted views is very helpful.  Thanks everybody for sharing!!!

Anonymous:
Hi everyone,

I'm glad Ellie handled the guilt quickly.  There is a difference between keeping memorabilia, being frugal, and naked hoarding.  My crazy SIL collected lint.  :shock:   Yep.  And kept a bucket in the shower.  She also recycles wrapping paper and likes to use "occasion" paper for the wrong occasion.  She displayed all of her birthday cards on the mantle for weeks to show everyone how loved she was.  She keeps the newspapers stacked for a week in chronological order before reading them.  I think "borrowing" things and keeping them is a way of keeping some kind of connection, as annoying as that is.  

Mrs. Winchester of  Winchester Mystery House fame like to buy whole bolts of fabric for one dress, so no one could have the same fabric (even though no one would see her and she sees no one.)  There’s also the idea of “I have it and you don’t”.  This thought is particularly disturbing when women break up with their boyfriends who think “if I can’t have you, no one else will either.”

My T finally turned the lightbulb on for me regarding giftgiving with Ns.  "Everything is an opportunity for ***** [N’s name]"  :idea:

The bond gift is a way to look more generous than you really are.  I forget exactly how they work, but they take forever to mature.  I once started a spreadsheet to figure out how much they were worth at that point in time and gave up.  It was pennies.

SIL was also a master at being really generous with things she got for free at her office.   :roll:   If you accepted, you were in her debt and she was out nothing.  Clever, huh?  

On the other hand, my mother didn't keep much memorabilia, but that was a result of her military style upbringing and constant mobility.  Had to travel light.  I think it is also a result of her stepmother's Nability to treasure them.

ciao, Seeker

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