Ahh, well. The gardener.
Lovely as he is, he did sense what was going on with me, and he did pull back a bit.
But bless his heart, he came over to talk about it.
Here's the thing, wise women --------- do I need your thoughts. You too wise men, very much.
I need to be very honest with myself. Now I know that part of the reason I fell apart today was I sensed distance in him and anticipatory grief was hitting.
Remember how proud of myself I was for suggesting "friends with benefits"? Well I can't possibly regret it. I was unheld and untouched for so long I simply couldn't handle it any more. THAT was driving me quietly crazy (and apologies to anybody who feels it's wrong). So when I began to feel connected to him, I posed the question, and the answer has been a joy. Still, I did start quite aware that I was offering a no-strings, no-promises intimacy.
So tonight we sat on the porch and he said, what are we, really? Long story short, he has always told the truth, and he said, I don't know that I'm capable of forming a deep intimate relationship with anyone. I'm a lone wolf. I love being with you, being physically intimate, I love helping you with things like the garden, I love your company. But I don't know that I can ever do any more. I just don't know that I have it in me. You said, "friends with benefits."
We both laugh a lot, we like each other SO much. I in fact dearly love him. But as he wisely said, you know, when you introduce sex into a relationship, of course it's more than that. It becomes serious. I said, you sound like somebody just gave you cancer. We both laughed. I explained why I'd fallen apart today, basically. All these things converging and then I was touched off by his going home. We talked it through and I asked if he was "breaking up with me" and he said emphatically no, and I believe him. He really likes our relationship! Me too! He could just sense me pressing a little for more, and that triggered a kind of retreat.
I really get it. I believe him. And I trust him. I don't think he's going off looking for anyone else. I think it is fearful and difficult for him to get too close. (And I ALWAYS fall in love with lone wolves. I have an inner she-wolf too.)
I told him, "I KNOW I am capable of a deeply committed and intimate relationship. So the truth is, once I realize I'm ready to look for that again in my life, I may have to go and do that." Meanwhile, we continue...that's how we left it.
I am so beyond doing anything "tactical" to "catch" a man. I just refuse. I am just going to be myself and feel what I feel and if I can't stand it, then I can't stand it. And off I go to look for the proper Republican dentist (sorry Mud) I should've yearned for all along. But jeez, I'm 58, and I don't WANNA dentist! I want a brokenhearted biker boy who has been as wounded as I.
Still, he said he does not believe he is capable of falling in love again. I believe he loves me back, as a friend. And that he takes that seroiusly and is a good good person.
So what do I do now? Really, what do you think I should do? I am welcoming advice. (No games, no pretending not to feel or need or be...just don't have that on the menu any more.)
But what do you think I should do, to be most alive, yet not self destruct? (I am positive he has no interest in hurting me. It's just that if his belief about himself, which he said wasn't a good thing but he thinks it's real, is persistent, I am sure I shouldn't believe I can or should change him. Maybe he'll be happiest as a "cranky old guy working on his motorcycle", as he put it...). And me? I want to love all a person can love.
thank you thank you,
Hops