Dear Hopalong

[changing]

Hi Hoppy-

I read your thread and am so sad for you in your very unfair situation... I want you to know that you are loved and a true heroine. I am in the midst of a similar debacle and I am so impressed and inspired that you continue to be such a supportive and loving "Wise Woman" despite all the circumstances you are facing...You even made me laugh about having to wear clothes to church!!!! We have to keep going Hoppy, so that we can prevail ...

Love and Peace and Happiness to My Wonderful Hoppy,

Changing

[sea storm]

I agree completely.


Much love to you Hops.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Well I had on a groovy red skirt.
Was hoping there wasn't much light behind me...

(Maybe I orter go join the Pagans, they'd probably encourage me...)

Changing, you moving around your beautiful serene Zenny space is a vision of hope to me.

Sea, you remind me of how wonderful it is out oN the ocean, expansive and beautiful...

You both just pour out love and I am grateful.

love,
SpongeHops Weepypants

(I did have a confusing but vigorous session of bawling and making completely nonsensical declarations to my dog. I feel better now...)

[changing]

Hi Hoppypants-


Dawg is a language of truth and immediacy, and I am certain that you were deeply understood when you expressed yourself in it and to it!!!

A red skirt seems almost martial- a girly armed forces uniform, denoting a powerful femininity. A good thing to wear while you are at war- especially given the alternative that you were contemplating!!! You are always helping and consoling others- I am so glad that you have volunteers to help you as well...

Hoppy, what does your lawyer think? Like Our Izzy says, we have to be optimistic - this doesn't mean that we cannot be tired and mourn the hurt and waste of resources and time and mood on the trouble stirred up unnecessarily and viciously, and howl in Dawg- but you will get through this Hoppy- intact and wiser, still beloved and important.

Owwooo OOfff OOff ( Love and Blessings My Friend),

Changing

[Hopalong]

Well, lawyer says he doesn't know why my brother cancelled the 2nd hearing, but he thinks it's best to let that sleeping dog (hell, my brother's not as nice as a dog) lie. So he hasn't pursued any contact with my brother or his lawyer. My brother has basically gotten what he wants, an assurance (the new will) of a big piece of the house...so perhaps he was persuaded by his lawyer to let it be, or perhaps the lawyer fees got to him. He didn't win any of his immediate issues, challenging my POA or anything. So there's no conservator or guardian changes for now. (Never needed to be in the first place, but that was his vendetta ammo. What'd I ever do to him? Get BORN, that's what.)

But I do think the month of tension in my brain, kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, had built up. I had really lost the ability to sleep. Except for a few broken hours, and work has been intensely busy too.

My meltdown this w/e also had to do with feeling insecure for the first time w/the gardener, who's done absolutely nothing wrong and is as lovely as ever. But he's a bit taciturn so when I was feeling weepy and frantic (not with him), he had just puttered on about his separate business while I staged a marvellous solitary drama about All Sorts of Terrible Things, none of which have happened. (IOW, he will reject me.) When in fact he's busy and active and has a life, and I all of a sudden wanted reassurance and he wasn't tuning in...and I wasn't telling him. Still a little afraid to. Afraid I'd be clingy.

One odd thing. Blush. He lives very close by and always goes home to sleep in his own bed. I sympathize but he's so rigid about it. So I was building that up to be some Significant Sign of Inability to Relate. Which it probably isn't. But I don't know, since my track record of assessing male character is abysmal. I think he's a lovely person. And therefore am having Groucho attacks...

Yikers.

But I went outside and cut crookneck squash and cucumbers and purple basil and silver queen radishes and parsley and baby carrots and red onion and sweet banana peppers, just a few of each, and gave them my neighbors and it made them happy and me even happier. Then I planted some purple and red petunias in the corner of the veggie bed. Y'all ever seen www.squarefootgardening.com? That's what we did. One big L-shaped box, 8' x 3' x 8' and one long one 3' x 8', which has baby watermelons coming out on a huge vine crawling down toward the mailbox.

Thanks for listening xxxxxxxxooooooo

Hops

[Ami]

I am sorry you are hurting, Hops. You have so much on your plate. Do we ever stop paying for the crime of having NM's? It feels like s/times it is the gift that keeps on giving, pain, pain and more pain.
 The gardener may need time in his "cave".
  Give him space to be and grow as he needs .
  That is my thought looking in from the outside. I am sorry it is so hard, Hops. You do have TOO much to bear right ,now. My heart goes out to you.       Ami


 

[changing]

Hello Hoppy-

Have you pursued challenging the new will? (None of my business so answer only if you wish of course) Keep getting your stuff together Hoppy, and think of what you want to happen in terms of the issues raised as well as in terms of protecting yourself from future assaults- so next time you won't be on the defensive end of things.

Your sweetheart sounds nice. Not flighty. Seems like  from what you say that he understands your womanly ways and emotions, and keeps steadily on in his own manly way.

Hoppy your are lovable no matter what.

Square foot gardening...so cool!! I have big trees and beds and boundaries and planters and pots, etc - how did you build the boxes? Well, I will let you get to your red-skirted  Sunday and your gentleman caller (nice that he lives so close by!!!) Have fun in the garden!!!

Love,

Changing

[lighter]

Oh Hops.... I haven't read the skirt debacle thread yet but.... sounds like you've had quite a time lately.

I'm sending hugs and thanks for the humorouse report.... though things aren't what we'd wish.... at least we can laugh.

Keep enjoying your garden and gardener.... they sound like bliss, escape and reason for fellowship.... all in one.

And.....

as for doubting your perpeptions....

does it ever end?

((((Hops))))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Ahh, well. The gardener.
Lovely as he is, he did sense what was going on with me, and he did pull back a bit.
But bless his heart, he came over to talk about it.

Here's the thing, wise women --------- do I need your thoughts. You too wise men, very much.

I need to be very honest with myself. Now I know that part of the reason I fell apart today was I sensed distance in him and anticipatory grief was hitting.

Remember how proud of myself I was for suggesting "friends with benefits"? Well I can't possibly regret it. I was unheld and untouched for so long I simply couldn't handle it any more. THAT was driving me quietly crazy (and apologies to anybody who feels it's wrong). So when I began to feel connected to him, I posed the question, and the answer has been a joy. Still, I did start quite aware that I was offering a no-strings, no-promises intimacy.

So tonight we sat on the porch and he said, what are we, really? Long story short, he has always told the truth, and he said, I don't know that I'm capable of forming a deep intimate relationship with anyone. I'm a lone wolf. I love being with you, being physically intimate, I love helping you with things like the garden, I love your company. But I don't know that I can ever do any more. I just don't know that I have it in me. You said, "friends with benefits."

We both laugh a lot, we like each other SO much. I in fact dearly love him. But as he wisely said, you know, when you introduce sex into a relationship, of course it's more than that. It becomes serious. I said, you sound like somebody just gave you cancer. We both laughed. I explained why I'd fallen apart today, basically. All these things converging and then I was touched off by his going home. We talked it through and I asked if he was "breaking up with me" and he said emphatically no, and I believe him. He really likes our relationship! Me too! He could just sense me pressing a little for more, and that triggered a kind of retreat.

I really get it. I believe him. And I trust him. I don't think he's going off looking for anyone else. I think it is fearful and difficult for him to get too close. (And I ALWAYS fall in love with lone wolves. I have an inner she-wolf too.)

I told him, "I KNOW I am capable of a deeply committed and intimate relationship. So the truth is, once I realize I'm ready to look for that again in my life, I may have to go and do that." Meanwhile, we continue...that's how we left it.

I am so beyond doing anything "tactical" to "catch" a man. I just refuse. I am just going to be myself and feel what I feel and if I can't stand it, then I can't stand it. And off I go to look for the proper Republican dentist (sorry Mud) I should've yearned for all along. But jeez, I'm 58, and I don't WANNA dentist! I want a brokenhearted biker boy who has been as wounded as I.

Still, he said he does not believe he is capable of falling in love again. I believe he loves me back, as a friend. And that he takes that seroiusly and is a good good person.

So what do I do now? Really, what do you think I should do? I am welcoming advice. (No games, no pretending not to feel or need or be...just don't have that on the menu any more.)

But what do you think I should do, to be most alive, yet not self destruct? (I am positive he has no interest in hurting me. It's just that if his belief about himself, which he said wasn't a good thing but he thinks it's real, is persistent, I am sure I shouldn't believe I can or should change him. Maybe he'll be happiest as a "cranky old guy working on his motorcycle", as he put it...). And me? I want to love all a person can love.

thank you thank you,
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS Changing, the new will's real. Ma went off and did it and her lawyer confirmed to my lawyer that he was sure it was her choice. Over and done. Just a little Nlegacy.

[Certain Hope]

((((((Hops)))))) I haven't found the falling-apart-post yet, but... what are you asking exactly?

Are you wondering whether you should break it off with the gardener because he's unlikely to offer more than the fwb option?

If that is the question, then I say, Yes... because it's not going to get any easier for you as time goes on.

And Hops... even wolves mate for life.

Love,
Carolyn

[ann3]

Hops,

I am clueless about relationships, so I can't advise except to say that you are a lovable person no matter what happens.

[Hopalong]

Hi Carolyn,
I've fallen apart over a couple threads today...one being the thread Sending Love to Shame Slayer. (I'm taking my story off that now and picking it up here, since Changing so kindly started this for me...)

And oh, darn, yes, that is the question. I hear your answer. It's the answer it always is, isn't it? Boy I am not good at this...but you are probably right.

It's hard to believe he'll give me up but I guess if I don't make a decision soon, I'll be giving myself up.

Oh how I'd miss him. But one really can't have it all. Damn.

love to you,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Oh, Hops...  just catching up here... I see.

You did so well to stand up and reach out for help! (((((((Hops))))))) those aftermath crumplings are rough. It's like when the whole family's been ill and mom's tending to each one... and just when they all are feeling better... whoosh.  This sort is a whoosh X 10. Been there, for various reasons.

And I really am sorry about the gardener dude... but you and your life are worth more than wishful thinking. So very much more, Hops.

Remember the key? When someone tells you who he is... believe him!!!!

Lean on those who are offering shoulders and hands, Hops... wish I was there.

Love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Thank you TT again thank you...
It's part aftermath and now that the day is done and my sweet gardener and I talked I think it's also huge grief at the truth of where he feels he is. Maybe I didn't know it was coming but on some level I DID know? He wasn't slipping me a mickey or anything, I am responsible. And oh I truly don't regret it. I guess I am willing to face the hurt of not having all I dream of because he really has given me so much more than I've had for so many years. What a waste. Makes me so sad that the garden can grow but it sounds as though he can't allow our relationship to grow. And I mustn't do that again...wait and hope. I must believe him. I just don't know what to do about the positives. It amazes me how purely positive it has felt. Such comfort and ease between us, 95% of the time. And likely that was because we started friends and we still are.

So going forward I think it'll be stumbling. I won't know what to do except be present with him. Right now I am resisting impulses to contact him because he needs some time to think and breathe. And I do not want to clutch.

I know he'll be in touch. I'm not feeling abandoned. I do need all the advice anyone has to give.

love
Hops
PS--He is a nurse and wanted to be a flight nurse, applied for that job this year but didn't get it. Two medical choppers just crashed together in Flagstaff...terrible story. Lots of injuries, seven dead. Lots of crashing in the real world and in my heart.