A conversation with N mom

[Nic]

My elderly N mom is in the hospital..she has a pinched nerve which has rendered her unable to walk.  She will require neuro-surgery because of a pre-existing condition.

This evening, a few minutes ago actually I visited her and we began to talk.  Whereas a week ago, when she was admitted to the hospital, she was in her glory because EVERYBODY came to see her, tonight the possibility of her not walking normally again has begun to sink in.  It's sad for her, because, despite her Nhood, she is my mother.  I don't feel overly involved in her situation(s) anymore and especially since I have been participating in the discussions in this forum.  It is a times like these that I see the "real" progress i've made at shedding false selves of my own and creating a life of my own..none of which would have been as possible without the input of everyone here.  Thank you.

I've been avoiding my brother and sister in law because we have a strained relationship that goes back a long time.  I decided to inform my mother of this during my visit this evening.  It came out, not as a confession but spontaneously..as spontaneous as it was..my subconscience must have dictated to me that this was a good time to say what I had to say before N mom could choose a subject of her own.

I told my mother i'd been avoiding contact with the above mentionned because they had said some really offensive and hurtful stuff to me two years ago when my journey to hell began.  She was quick to point out how " you have said some pretty awful stuff to people during that time too.." I kept my cool despite my having sensed she had rehearsed this conversation and was finally able to let some steam out at me..as is always the case with controlling Ns.

I told my mother that I have a private relationship with my brother in that she knows us both differently to the same degree that I know my brother in a different way she does. ( bad syntax i know. but hey i'm tired and somewhat shaken up) No argument there...In fact she was quite relieved that I was in no hurry to forgive and forget because she has now hooked my brother and SIL as new sources of N supply.  Even my N mother isn't aware of this completely, how could she being an N?

Both my parents had me as a source of N supply for the longest time.  My brother was very much put on the sideline and was " to blame" for mostly anything they couldn't take responsibility for.  His lot in life was the direct opposite of mine.  We ( my brother and I) existed in two different systems.  Our home was a Totalitarian N state, but I experienced it as a Stalinist dictatorship and my brother as a Nazi dictatorship.  Both were awful for both of us.  The only speck of equality there was that we were both equally damaged albeit in different ways.

I felt compelled to tell my mother how happy i was that they now included my brother in their lives.  I told her how I felt it was important for them to die and leave my brother with good memories of them.  My mother knew very well what I was referring to, I knew she did.  Her body language acknowledged that the secret was out.  No need for me to rant and rave and cry like i'd done in the past.  The message, the TRUTH got out in a very tranquil fashion, and it felt like I was telling N mom:  " i've finally figured you out! I love you anyway but you know it's an honest love now, one devoid of fear of you and blame for myself.  The jig is up and it's ok!"

I told my mom the past two years have been awful for me..she quickly replied a well rehearsed, " It's been bad for us too.." you know with the tone of voice implying that as per usual I should be willing to accept it had been worse for them than for me.   yes, I was angry at that but unwilling to play the game.  i simply went on speaking from myself, using MY voice and hearing no unwelcome echo.

I told my N mom that out of the bad experience some good has come out.  She loves my partner "C" ( in her own way of course! ) but quickly told me the french saying, loosely translated: try and purge what's natural and it will come running back...a needed put down for her on my homosexuality. I didn't react..

I told N mom that I had had suicidal thoughts in the past two years, that this is normal and only becomes problematic if one acts on it..that I had considered going on antidepressants, to which she replied I could become even more depressed..and I told her how I had been horribly hurt and confused ...to which she replied: " You were unhappy..." and it came out very spontaneously from me: About as unhappy as you must have been when you drugged yourself and abused alcohol.  To which she replied: "That was a long time ago.." to which I replied: You were exactly my age.  And that was that..we understood each other.  

I told N mom that I had no more energy to devote to the sort of family dynamics that have been going on for what seems to be eternity for me. That I am not playing the game, that I don't hate anybody in my family, that i am going on with my life.  And she looked at me as if to say: " I really have no choice or power in this do I?"

I kissed her goodnight, which of course means: That's right Maman.

I don't expect any retaliation.  For what it meant or didn't mean to her, these things had to be said.

Kindness,
Nic

[OnlyMe]

Dear Nic,
How brave you are....
wow - it must be so healing for you.
Wish I had that strength.

[Portia]

Dearest Nic, thank goodness you have written about you, what you said, your reactions, your thoughts. Because I’m not very impressed by what she said. Why did I hope to be? Why did I hope throughout your post that she would say something reasonable, admitting some responsibility, showing just a little empathy? Ha.  

You did so well Nic, you held yourself together and stayed strong. You know what I imagined? That this woman was lying or sitting there, listening to you, taking it all in – but not connecting with you at all. She’ll probably store the information up to use with someone else – how awful for her, lying there, having to listen to you tell her how horrible it’s been for you, when she’s in pain like that! Have you no sympathy? etc - I can see a host of Nmoms saying things like that. I hope you can take this Nic!    Maybe I’m wrong about her. It would be good to think so.

But it doesn’t matter does it? What matters is your perception, your attitude, your thoughts. And you did great. Yes you did!   Nic speaks! Nic tells it like it is and if she doesn’t want to listen (if she cannot listen and hear), well, not your problem. You know what you’ve said, what you meant. So what if your words may be twisted, misinterpreted?

And she looked at me as if to say: " I really have no choice or power in this do I?"
I kissed her goodnight, which of course means: That's right Maman.

 I guess I can say – please be careful about what you perceive Nic? You know this. It’s the “as if to say”. I’m trying to imagine the scene. From her point of view….she’s perhaps thinking…why is Nic ‘doing this to me?’ How can he be so selfish to talk to me like this when I’m hurt and lying here? Perhaps she was throwing you a ‘please have pity for me’ look. But again, it doesn’t matter. It only matters if you assume you know what she was thinking and act or think thoughts based on that assumption.  

I told her how I felt it was important for them to die and leave my brother with good memories of them. My mother knew very well what I was referring to, I knew she did. Her body language acknowledged that the secret was out.

 Oh gosh. Please be careful of what you perceive. She may just be terrified of death? I don’t know. But I worry for you. I worry that you may be hurt some more. I worry that you are crediting her with the kind of empathy you have.

You spoke for you. My guess is nothing of what you *meant* went into her head. She will have perceived it as an attack of some sort. Or ‘selfishness’ on your part!

But I don’t know your Nmom. I’m saying all this based on experiences with people who do not listen, who perceive everything to be about them and only them.

But I’m glad you did speak for you! It was brave as Only Me said above. Just – please – know that it was for you and do not expect her to have heard you as you intended. It may rebound on you, so please be prepared. I hope I’m wrong! Did she say anything that wasn’t either accusatory or shifting responsibility back to you, or playing the sympathy card? You know better than me what she’s like. I don’t trust her! I just don’t want you to hurt because you believe your interpretations of her words and actions.

I’ve stopped doing that to a point –I listen to exactly what mine says to me, or about me, and it ain’t pretty. The only way I can forgive mine and love her, is by knowing what life is like for her and how it has made her what she is. I can’t see any point in putting my point of view to her, because she is so far removed from any ‘normal’ reality and she would only hear my words as part of her, how my words relate to her. And I won’t be her therapist any more. I’ll listen for me, for my understanding and only when I want to.

Anyway, I’m talking about me. How are you feeling today? I hope it’s okay me talking like this Nic. I don’t want to ‘bring you down’ but on the other hand, I want you to have a cushion against any retaliation that just might be simmering. You did so well though, and you did it for you!       Even if she did perceive your words as I think she might have, would it matter to you? love, your friend, P

PS. I've just read my post through and I'm assuming a heck of a lot, it's all my perception, based on my reality....but you know that and I believe you know I mean you well, because I do. Big hug for ever-changing, shining (((Nic))).

PPS. And I wish her well for the surgery. Is it scheduled?

[Nic]

Hi OnlyMe,

Dear Nic,
How brave you are....
wow - it must be so healing for you.
Wish I had that strength.

Thanks for your post   I have not always been brave, thanks for the validation.
It is indeed very healing for me, very good sleep last night, very good day today.
One thing i forgot to say is that I presented a theory to my N mom during my discourse.  I believe one can travel in any given direction in life, if it is meant for you problems and crises of proportionate magnitude will manifest along the way.  However, if one travels and persists to travel in a direction that is absolutely not meant for them, the mechanism of destiny takes over.  You become quite literally and oft violently yanked out of the path along which you persist and insist on travelling.  Change is thus imposed or thrust upon you and this is quite destructuring and destabilizing.  I believe this is what happened to me..i went counter-destiny with my life and was plucked quite literally from where I was and plopped right where I was supposed to be.

Now I know Bunny will find this esoteric    but that's my perspective and my theory...  My mom heard, perhaps without understanding who knows , what I meant.  Then I told her how I thought that eventhough I can  be surrounded with 'loving' people, with age, i seem to be accepting the fact that I am ultimately "alone" and that we all are.
She acknowledged that and added: "and nobody can fix your own misery but yourself"..which I took to mean she had some insight into herself and maybe some understanding of what I was saying rather than a retaliatory snippit!

And OnlyMe..it is only a matter of time! You will develop your own strength, of this I am certain!

Portia!
Hi, i'm feeling well today thank you!

Why did I hope throughout your post that she would say something reasonable, admitting some responsibility, showing just a little empathy? Ha.  

Quite simply because you haven't lost hope for all the Ns out there!  That's what empathy is!  I'm touched by your words because they are very caring toward me too!

So what if your words may be twisted, misinterpreted?

Precisely!  It's all about perception isn't it?! I can't take care of myself via someone else..I think i've finally gotten that through my head!

I’m trying to imagine the scene. From her point of view….she’s perhaps thinking…why is Nic ‘doing this to me?’ How can he be so selfish to talk to me like this when I’m hurt and lying here? Perhaps she was throwing you a ‘please have pity for me’ look

Strangely, she wasn't throwing me that kind of look.  I exposed the truth as gently as I could...it's amazing how desensitized she had become to my ranting and raving and crying..i think I surprised her with my disposition!

She may just be terrified of death? I don’t know.

Just to fill you in..my mom has wanted to die eversince I can remember!  I grew up with that..  I want to live, live better, live saner,, respect myself, become accustomed to not living in fear of a whole bunch of things..you know..honestly I just want to be free, which I know doesn't mean without worries or troubles.  I suppose I am working toward what everybody wants here huh?!

But I don’t know your Nmom. I’m saying all this based on experiences with people who do not listen, who perceive everything to be about them and only them

LIAR!  Based on what you've written above, you know my mom very well!

 hope it’s okay me talking like this Nic.

'course it is!

PS. I've just read my post through and I'm assuming a heck of a lot, it's all my perception, based on my reality....but you know that and I believe you know I mean you well, because I do. Big hug for ever-changing, shining (((Nic))).

I LOVE YOU TOO!

PPS. And I wish her well for the surgery. Is it scheduled?

Waiting lists my dear...we don't pay for healthcare here, it's end of summer and everyone is on holidays..this is not an emergency therefore no, it is not scheduled and I'm half way tempted in my next conversation with her to say: "BTW maman, Portia sends her best to you for your surgery!"   The child in me wants to play.

Love ever,
Nic

[OnlyMe]

Dear Nic,

It is hard having a senior parent in the hospital, and ten times worse having a NMaman in the hospital.   It sounds like you are being able to share some important thoughts with her, and it seems as though she might be hearing and understanding some of your past pain.  But, please be careful, because sometimes when we feel that they are hearing and understanding us at last, they hit us with something from 'out of left field'.
And, I am just sharing an experience of mine : a few months ago, I was sitting by my ndad's bedside in the long-term care place, as I had been doing day in and day out for weeks.  He was 92 and dying.  I spent most of the time with him, trying to help, and would bring my Nmom for an hour or so in the aft (she didn't like to be with him too long, which says something right there). Anyhow, I was feeling good inside, felt a peace  because I was able to help, and thought that finally all was well.  Then, in a quiet moment, at the end of a long day, when my Guard Was Down A Little Bit, she said to me, her only child, her daughter - "I am sitting here wishing a son would walk through that door - I always wanted a son instead, you know."
I was devastated.  How cruel?! I had let my guard down, believing in my soul and heart that, finally, all was well.  Damn.
That is what I mean, Nic, when I say to be careful, don't let your guard down completely - that is just the time that your NMaman might say or do something hurtful.  Never forget, it is their nature.  They don't have the capacity to love us unconditionally, no matter what.

I am just writing this, with a big wing out around you, trying to protect you from any more pain ... trying to help you by sharing what I have recently experienced.   Please be careful with your heart while you are taking care of Maman this next while, okay?

~OnlyMe

[Nic]

Hi OnlyMe!

It is hard having a senior parent in the hospital, and ten times worse having a NMaman in the hospital.

You're certainly right about that one!

But, please be careful, because sometimes when we feel that they are hearing and understanding us at last, they hit us with something from 'out of left field'.

Yes! you're right about that too!  All that is very familiar to me..it's the impact it has on me that has changed..which is the perfect indicator that i've changed.  I no longer expect my Nmother to "understand" me, simply because 1- she quite probably can't 2- has no interest in trying 3-it is no longer necessary.

"I am sitting here wishing a son would walk through that door - I always wanted a son instead, you know."

Ouch     Bet you wanted to slug her one right then and there...

They don't have the capacity to love us unconditionally, no matter what.

I know! Their version of conditional is Conditional and irony of ironies they don't even realize this!

I am just writing this, with a big wing out around you, trying to protect you from any more pain ... trying to help you by sharing what I have recently experienced.

Hey! and I appreciate that very much, make no mistake about it!


Please be careful with your heart while you are taking care of Maman this next while, okay?

Fear not!  Shields are up!  Take care and talk to you soon!

Kindest regards,
Nic

[Anonymous]

Hello Nic and OnlyMe

Only Me, my take on your Nmom's comment about a son is simply to knock you down a peg for being able to do something kind (be there with your dad) which she couldn't do.  Sometimes these weirdos take an act of kindness as a reproach, because, as we all know, it's all about them.

Nic, it really sounds like you are on your way to holding onto your own truth from the inside out.  I'm getting there but not there yet.  My dad went into the hospital this weekend too.  Frankly, I went to see the whole scene with my own eyes and come to the conclusion that my dad wholly enjoys being a patient.  He finds the drama thrilling and seems almost disappointment when the doctors tell him in this case his body is going to heal on its own.  He asked question after question not out of anxiety but simply to keep Mr. Important Doctor in there for more supply.  It was sickening, in and of itself.  Then I feel like a heel because it really was serious for a while there, but it is his attitude and reaction that I find so anger-inducing.  He wants enough drama to get attention, but not so much that he is scared to death.  In the meantime, he tells us that he has written up his funeral plans and he is ready to die.  It is all SOoooooo manipulative.  Ugh.  We are all there for cameos in his drama.  If we don't contribute to the plot, we can leave.  We're always welcome for next week's episode of N-ER.  

Thanks for letting me vent on your thread.  Peace, Seeker