Next step of the depression journey

[Juno]

Hops, I can definitely understand wanting to cut back on some of these substances.  I would like to hear about how the SAM-e works for you.  For now, the Cymbalta is the only thing I'm trying--I rarely drink and only take Sudafed for allergies.  So, it's not too crazy yet!  I do still feel gaggy, queasy today.  It's good to know it's in there working, I guess.

Sea storm, those are exactly the results I am hoping for.  My family also has a lot of emotional illness and I clearly remember the first time I felt depression when I was eleven.  Have had it off and on since then.  This latest and worst round began at the death of my father who we had been helping in his home for years.  That, plus some other big things, took quite a toll.  I just can't shake it on my own.  I've been trying to for nearly four years now.

Thank you ladies--this is quite a learning curve for me.  I feel like a beginner!

[Hopalong]

Cymbalta in a "drug-nekkid" body is going to do you great good, I think, Juno...

xxoo
Hops

[Juno]

"Drug-nekkid" LOL

When the counselor was going down the list of questions, she paused and said, "I have to ask you if you are doing ANY drugs, legal or illegal substances...." and I said, "THAT'S  problem!  I don't have ANYTHING between me and all this stuff!  I should be drinking or something!"

Well, I  know that's not the real problem..... but most people find a way to "cope" and I pretty much go the Raw Nerve Method.  I am just so odd.  I should be shopping myself into bankruptcy, or cleaning frantically, or drinking, or divorced, or just something.  Then maybe someone out there in 3D land would identify with me. 

My kids had something called "Straight Edge" when they were young.  That's kind of me except I'm way too old.

Some day soon this will ALL be kind of funny.  I was actually worried this morning that if I took some Mylanta for my stomach, it would interfere with the Cymbalta.   I SO want the Cymbalta to work.  So, I ate a banana instead.  I don't even really like bananas. 

Oh, these perfectionistic tendencies of mine.....

[Hopalong]

I appreciate your sharing about medication, Juno...it's good to think about, and so individual.

I'm off the Cymbalta for a few weeks now and have noticed more emotionality.

BUT. Some of my anxiety symptoms are popping up here and there. Chest pain, SOB (shortness of breath) now and then. Spit.

Maybe I'll take a meditation class or something (I can preach it but not reach it, Lup!  )

I'd be really glad if I could control those w/o getting back on it. But if I need it, I'll do it.

I want to continue this trial period for a while before I decide though.

Mylanta mess with it? Hmmm. WebMD, I think, has a good database where you can plug in the name of any drug you take and add the names of any other drugs or supplements, and it will pop up any known interactions.

I've heard of grapefruit juice being a problem with quite a few Rx...Mylanta. Hmm. Dunno.

love
Hops

[Juno]

Thanks Hops, I will check out WebMD.  I didn't ask about interactions when I was in the doctor's office.  I haven't been sleeping much at all since starting this a couple days ago.  Hopefully that is just a side-effect that will wear off.  My stomach is doing better already.  I'm impatient--I want to be happy already!

[Hopalong]

I just went back on it. Dang.

All the old things are back...SOB and chest pain and my boss is having Nflares and I'm just not able to suppress these damn symptoms on my own.

Grrr. I've scheduled a physical and I'll talk to my doc about it.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

....most people find a way to "cope" and I pretty much go the Raw Nerve Method. I am just so odd. I should be shopping myself into bankruptcy, or cleaning frantically, or drinking, or divorced, or just something. Then maybe someone out there in 3D land would identify with me.

Juno,

I've tried on several of those coping masks you mention... but that was when I had no awareness of the depths of depression in myself. I actually thought I was pretty happy. Anxiety... yes, I was aware of that.. but not the depression which underlay it.

Since leaving that rubbish behind,
what I've discovered is that here are other, far less obvious coping strategies which don't involve indulging in over-doing (eating, drinking, spending, sexualizing, or whatever...).
One such method which is only visible to those with whom we live is the tendancy to take all of that "energy" or drive which might otherwise be directed outward and use it to pick apart the self internally. Picking and pecking... that's kinda where I've been lately. If you've ever seen a bird under stress, he'll sometimes pluck out all of his feathers out of sheer desperation. It's alot like that... very messy and no less disastrous than the more blatant symptoms.

 Calling a halt to it is not easy, but studying the dynamics of that interior critic and learning to hush that old voice is sure helping.
Love,
Carolyn

[LilyCat]

Hi Juno,

Just getting back to this now.

That never-rebelling-as-a-teenager thing might well be key. I never did, either. It's really a developmental "must", I think.

I really would have been killed for it. It's been something I've been doing "lightly" the last few years, but I need to do more of it. The little I've done has been helpful. When I was discussing this a few months ago -- and this is uniquely my therapist, he's just funny sometimes -- he said "Good, I can look forward to bad patient behavior." And I believe he really would.

Things will settle down (or "up," I guess) for you. They will. You're doing all the right things and you've got lots of support. You're doing great!!

[Juno]

Hops, it sounds like you don't want to have to go back on it.  But it's better to feel good in my opinion. 

I remember how adamant my father was against going on oxygen when his emphysema worsened.  He didn't want to be "dependent" on anything.  I told him, we are all "dependent" on oxygen, you just have to get it a different way.  But that didn't really sway him.  Then I reminded him that it wasn't just his lungs, but also his blood and that his blood would carry oxygen to ALL of his organs, so he was depriving his heart and liver, etc., of oxygen.  That particular argument swayed him.  It was still a shock to him when it was time.  But he didn't fight it anymore.  He needed it.

I guess for some of us, anti-depressants are like oxygen.

Well, aren't I a quick convert?  Four days and it's like I've been on them forever.  Except I'm the one who put it off forever.  But when it's time, it's time.  If you need them, you need them.

[Juno]

Thank you, CB, I will check things out.  Right now I'm using samples from the doctor and haven't gone to the pharmacy yet.  But online will probably answer the questions I have.  Thank you for your well-wishes.  I'm very much looking forward to feeling better.

[Juno]

That's interesting, Carolyn, that you didn't realize you were depressed while you were using the coping mechanisms.  I guess they do act as a good distraction!  I know someone who does the shopping thing and giving gifts all over the place.  She probably considers herself happy, too.  But I've always thought she was distracting herself from things.  Or meeting some need she has rather than just being a generous person with the gift-giving part of it.  She's in her late fifties and I don't think she'll ever learn.

I think with me I have always been kind of into my own head.  Very aware of my unhappiness and restlessness.  But most of the normal distractions were even more overwhelming to me.  I guess that is something of a blessing in disguise.  At any rate, we shall see.

Picking and Pecking--that's an appropriate image.  I hope we both move on from that soon.  It's tiring.

[Juno]

Yes, Lilycat, depending on how things go and how I feel at the time, I'm hoping to work on age 14 with my counselor.  If I can release some of those traumatic events, it should go a long way toward releasing me from my most troublesome triggers in the here and now.  If that's how it works out, I will try to explain it on the board so that it makes sense.  I have posted previously about age fourteen but I took down my Story thread and the old posts I wrote on it would be too hard to find at this point--all spread out through several threads.  But if it is pertinent I'll talk about it again.  I just think it would get at a lot of what is bothering me now.

"Bad patient" behavior.... I like that.  It sounds like a stage.  I'm hoping that my "badness" will be just a stage too.  Never, never got to do anything rebellious or disobedient.  Well, maybe a couple of little things.  But nothing at all like normal kids do.  I can be a real pain in the butt now when I want to.  Hopefully, I will be more mature someday!  When I'm not 14 anymore.